The Power of Showing Up

1. Showing Up: The Cornerstone of Effective Parenting

When you’re not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, don’t worry. There’s one thing you can always do, and it’s the best thing of all. Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist, just show up.

Presence over perfection. The single most important thing a parent can do for their child is to "show up." This means being physically and emotionally present, offering attention, awareness, and support, regardless of the situation. It's about prioritizing the parent-child relationship over achieving some unattainable standard of flawless parenting.

What showing up entails:

• Being physically present and available
• Providing a quality of presence, offering attention and awareness
• Meeting children's needs, expressing love, and providing discipline
• Laughing together and even arguing constructively

Benefits of showing up. Consistent presence creates a secure attachment, which is a strong predictor of a child's happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and academic/career success. It creates neural pathways that lead to selfhood, grit, strength, and resilience.

2. Attachment Science: Understanding the Blueprint of Relationships

The longitudinal research on child development clearly demonstrates that one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out—in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success—is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them.

Attachment theory basics. Attachment science reveals that children who form strong, secure bonds with their caregivers at a young age lead happier and more fulfilling lives. These bonds are formed when parents respond to their children's needs and provide comfort.

Attachment styles:

• Secure: Children miss their mother when she leaves, actively greet her upon return, and quickly settle down.
• Avoidant: Children show little distress when the mother leaves and ignore or avoid her upon return.
• Ambivalent: Children are inconsolable both when the mother leaves and when she returns.
• Disorganized: Children exhibit chaotic and contradictory behavior when the mother returns.

Impact of attachment. Secure attachment fosters confidence, self-reliance, and the ability to manage feelings and behaviors. Insecure attachment can lead to aggression, defiance, hyperactivity, and poorer language development.

3. Safety First: Creating a Secure Foundation for Growth

Safety, then, is the opposite of threat. It’s also the first step toward strong attachment: A caregiver helps the child be safe and therefore feel safe.

Defining safety. Safety encompasses physical, emotional, and relational well-being. It means protecting children from harm and avoiding becoming a source of fear or threat.

Two main parental jobs:

1. Protect children from harm (physical, emotional, relational)
2. Avoid becoming the source of fear and threat

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). ACEs, such as abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction, can have lasting negative effects on a child's development, health, and well-being. Preventing ACEs is crucial for fostering a sense of safety.

4. Being Seen: Recognizing and Validating Your Child's Inner World

Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to their emotions, both positive and negative.

Beyond physical presence. Seeing a child goes beyond simply being physically present. It involves attuning to their internal mental state, understanding their inner life, and responding in a timely and effective manner.

Mindsight. Mindsight is the ability to see inside one's own mind and the mind of another. It's at the heart of emotional and social intelligence. Parents who practice mindsight help their children develop this ability as well.

Consequences of not being seen. Children who don't feel seen may struggle with self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the ability to form meaningful relationships. They may feel misunderstood, dismissed, and invisible.

5. Soothing the Storm: Regulating Emotions Through Connection

Kids should know, at their core, that when they are hurting, and even when they’re at their worst, we will be there.

The power of soothing. Soothing involves providing comfort and support during a child's toughest times. It's about teaching them to ride the waves of life's ocean and being with them when they need us.

The Four F's vs. The Four S's. When parents are in a reactive state, the Four F's (fight, flight, freeze, or faint) get prioritized. Instead, parents should focus on the Four S's (safe, seen, soothed, secure) to create a calming environment.

The Green Zone. The goal is to help children stay in the "green zone," where they can handle themselves well and feel safe and in control. When they enter the "red zone" (chaos) or "blue zone" (shut-down), they need help to regulate their emotions.

6. Security: The Ultimate Goal of Showing Up

The neurobiological effect of the Four S’s is an integrated brain: a nervous system that’s resilient and that doesn’t stay in prolonged stress.

The culmination of the S's. Security is the result of consistently providing safety, being seen, and being soothed. It's about letting kids know they can count on you to show up, time and again.

Benefits of secure attachment. Secure attachment increases children's lifelong satisfaction and happiness. It optimizes their sense of identity, the quality of their relationships, their academic and career success, and even how their brains develop.

Secure base. Secure attachment gives kids a "secure base" from which to explore their world. It lets them feel free to go out and see what lies beyond the horizon. As parents, we are not just a safe haven; we are also a launching pad.

7. Earned Security: Rewriting Your Attachment Story

Even if we didn’t have secure attachment from our own caregivers, we can still provide it to our own children, if we’ve reflected on and made sense of our own attachment history.

Breaking the cycle. Even if you didn't receive secure attachment from your own parents, you can still offer it to your own children. Secure attachment can be learned and earned.

Coherent narrative. The key is to develop a "coherent narrative" about your own past, reflecting on and acknowledging both positive and negative aspects of your family experiences and how you feel about them.

History is not destiny. By understanding your own attachment history, you can be more intentional and consistent as a parent and more effective in the ways you show up for your kids.

8. Beyond Perfection: Embracing Imperfect Parenting

There’s no such thing as perfect parenting.

Letting go of the ideal. There's no such thing as flawless child-rearing. It's important to release the pressure to be perfect and focus on simply being present for your kids.

The power of repair. Mistakes are inevitable. The key is to repair the damage as soon as you can. This teaches children that even when mistakes are made, love and connection can be restored.

Authenticity over excellence. Children don't need a superparent. They just need you—authentic, flawed, and fully present.

Last updated: March 12, 2025