Raising a Secure Child

1. Attachment is fundamental to human development and well-being

Attachment refers to how we as mammals rely on our caregivers for nurturance as we grow toward maturity.

Evolutionary necessity. Attachment is not just a psychological concept, but an evolutionary imperative. It ensures the survival and thriving of our species by creating a strong bond between caregivers and infants. This bond provides the foundation for:

• Physical survival and protection
• Emotional regulation and resilience
• Social skills and future relationships
• Cognitive development and learning

Lifelong impact. The quality of early attachment relationships has far-reaching consequences throughout life. Securely attached individuals tend to have:

• Better emotional regulation
• Higher self-esteem
• More satisfying relationships
• Improved mental and physical health
• Greater academic and career success

2. The Circle of Security provides a roadmap for understanding children's needs

The Circle of Security shows that little children can be viewed as constantly "going out and coming in."

Visual model. The Circle of Security is a simple yet powerful visual representation of children's attachment needs. It illustrates two fundamental needs:

• The need to explore (top of the circle)
• The need for comfort and safety (bottom of the circle)

Parent as secure base. The parent's role is to be the "hands" on the circle, providing:

• A secure base from which the child can explore
• A safe haven to return to for comfort and reassurance

Children move around this circle constantly, alternating between exploration and seeking connection. Understanding this pattern helps parents respond more effectively to their child's changing needs.

3. Parental "shark music" can interfere with meeting children's attachment needs

Shark music triggers fear of a necessary and healthy need.

Unconscious fears. "Shark music" refers to the internal alarms that go off for parents when their child's needs trigger their own unresolved attachment issues. This can lead to:

• Misinterpreting the child's needs
• Responding inappropriately or inconsistently
• Reinforcing insecure attachment patterns

Recognizing triggers. Parents can learn to identify their own shark music by:

• Reflecting on their childhood experiences
• Noticing strong emotional reactions to their child's behavior
• Identifying patterns in their parenting struggles

By becoming aware of these triggers, parents can choose to respond differently, overriding their instinctive reactions in favor of meeting their child's actual needs.

4. Being-With your child is key to fostering secure attachment

Being-With your child means following his needs.

Emotional presence. Being-With is about more than just physical proximity. It involves:

• Attuning to your child's emotional state
• Accepting and validating their feelings
• Helping them make sense of their experiences

Not fixing, but understanding. The goal of Being-With is not to immediately solve problems or change feelings, but to:

• Create a sense of emotional safety
• Build your child's capacity for self-regulation
• Strengthen the parent-child bond

This approach helps children feel seen, understood, and supported, even in difficult moments.

5. Parents need to be "bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind"

Being bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind gives our children access to a kind of no-nonsense tenderness that leads to security.

Balanced approach. This phrase encapsulates the ideal parental stance:

• Bigger: Taking charge when necessary
• Stronger: Providing emotional and physical safety
• Wiser: Offering guidance and perspective
• Kind: Responding with empathy and warmth

Avoiding extremes. Parents should strive to avoid being:

• Mean (bigger and stronger without kindness)
• Weak (kind without being bigger and stronger)
• Absent (checked out or unavailable)

By balancing these qualities, parents create a secure environment where children can thrive.

6. Ruptures in attachment are inevitable, but repairs are crucial

It's not avoiding ruptures that promotes healthy psychological development but being sure to make repairs.

Normalize imperfection. No parent can be perfectly attuned all the time. Ruptures in the attachment relationship are normal and can even be beneficial when properly addressed. They teach children that:

• Relationships can withstand conflict
• Mistakes can be acknowledged and fixed
• Negative emotions are manageable

Importance of repair. The key is not to avoid ruptures entirely, but to repair them effectively by:

• Acknowledging the mistake or misunderstanding
• Taking responsibility for one's role
• Reconnecting emotionally with the child

Consistent repair builds trust and resilience in the relationship.

7. Core sensitivities shape how parents respond to their children's needs

Core sensitivities are a lens through which we scan our relationship environment for "sharks."

Three main types. The authors identify three core sensitivities that influence parenting:

1. Separation sensitivity: Fear of abandonment
2. Esteem sensitivity: Fear of criticism or failure
3. Safety sensitivity: Fear of intrusion or control

Impact on parenting. These sensitivities can lead to:

• Misinterpreting children's needs
• Over- or under-responding to certain behaviors
• Perpetuating insecure attachment patterns

Understanding one's core sensitivity allows parents to recognize when their reactions are based on their own issues rather than their child's actual needs.

8. Reflective functioning allows parents to override unhelpful instincts

The more deeply we can reflect, the more secure our relationships can become.

Metacognition for parents. Reflective functioning involves:

• Observing one's own thoughts and feelings
• Considering alternative perspectives
• Imagining the child's internal experience

Breaking cycles. By developing this skill, parents can:

• Recognize when shark music is influencing their reactions
• Choose more appropriate responses to their child's needs
• Interrupt generational patterns of insecure attachment

Reflective functioning is a powerful tool for personal growth and improved parenting.

9. Secure attachment promotes emotional regulation and resilience

Being able to regulate emotions helps children regulate their behavior.

Foundation for life skills. Secure attachment provides children with:

• A safe environment to experience and express emotions
• Models for managing difficult feelings
• Practice in self-soothing and seeking support

Long-term benefits. Children who learn emotional regulation through secure attachment tend to have:

• Better impulse control
• Improved social skills
• Greater academic success
• Higher emotional intelligence

These skills contribute to overall resilience and well-being throughout life.

10. Choosing security is an ongoing process throughout a child's development

Secure attachment is not a contest or a goal. It is an ongoing process that unfolds before us day after day.

Continuous adaptation. Fostering secure attachment is not a one-time achievement, but a dynamic process that evolves as children grow. Parents must:

• Adjust their responses to meet changing developmental needs
• Remain flexible in their approach
• Continue to work on their own attachment issues

Lifelong journey. The work of creating secure attachments doesn't end in childhood. It continues to influence:

• Adolescent relationships
• Adult partnerships
• Future parenting

By viewing attachment as an ongoing process, parents can remain committed to growth and connection throughout their child's life.

Last updated: March 3, 2025