Yes Means Yes!

1. "Yes Means Yes" Redefines Consent and Sexual Power

So often it seems as if the discourse is focused solely on the “no means no” model—which, while of course useful, stops short of truly envisioning how suppressing female sexual agency is a key element of rape culture, and therefore how fostering genuine female sexual autonomy is necessary in fighting back against it.

Beyond "No Means No". The book "Yes Means Yes" challenges the traditional "no means no" model of consent, arguing that it's insufficient. It advocates for a shift towards a "yes means yes" standard, emphasizing the importance of enthusiastic consent and genuine female sexual autonomy. This approach aims to create a culture where women feel empowered to freely express their desires and boundaries.

Suppression of Female Agency. The book posits that rape culture thrives on the suppression of female sexual agency. By fostering genuine female sexual autonomy, we can challenge the systems and attitudes that support rape. This involves creating a world where women feel safe to say both "yes" and "no" to sex without fear of judgment or violence.

Sexuality and Power Dynamics. The anthology explores the complex relationship between sex and power, arguing that a frank and in-depth conversation about sex is necessary to combat violence against women. It recognizes that sex is often used as a weapon by rapists and by broader systems that encourage rape, and that a discussion of power dynamics is essential to understanding the issue.

2. Rape Culture Thrives on Conservative Gender Norms

The conservative status quo is most threatened not just by traditional anti-rape laws, but by putting the onus on men not to rape, and by a feminist model of enthusiastic consent, in which women are viewed as autonomous actors empowered to request or decline sex—a model where “no” is respected and “yes” is an equally valid response.

Right-Wing Offensive on Female Autonomy. The book argues that the organized religious right plays a significant role in maintaining and promoting rape culture by waging a culture war against female autonomy. This war is about more than just religious beliefs; it's about the fundamental rights to bodily autonomy and self-determination.

Traditional Marriage and Female Subordination. The conservative ideal of "traditional marriage" reinforces the idea of women as property and as simple accoutrements to a man's existence. This marital structure, in which sex is exchanged for support, perpetuates the notion of women as passive receptacles and men as aggressive deviants.

Challenging the Status Quo. Feminism and anti-rape activism challenge the dominant narrative that women's bodies aren't their own. They insist that sex is about consent and enjoyment, not violence and harm, and they attack a power structure that sees women as victims and men as predators.

3. Sex as Performance: A New Model for Consent

The “commodity model” should be displaced by a model of sex as performance, which sits better with the notions of enthusiastic participation (or the “presence of yes,” as distinct from the “absence of no”) that many feminists argue for.

From Commodity to Collaboration. The book proposes a shift from viewing sex as a commodity to understanding it as a performance, akin to music or dance. This "performance model" emphasizes collaboration, communication, and enthusiastic participation, rather than a transaction where one person "gives" and the other "takes."

Challenging Heteronormativity. The commodity model is inherently heteronormative and phallocentric, struggling to account for sex between individuals of the same gender. The performance model, on the other hand, easily accommodates diverse sexual orientations and practices, focusing on the creative process of building something together.

Undermining Slut-Shaming. The performance model directly undermines the social construct of the "slut," as it emphasizes experience and skill rather than virginity or scarcity. It normalizes the intimate and interactive nature of sex, promoting respect and positivity even in casual encounters.

4. Consent is More Than "No": It's a Sexual Process

The kind of consent I’m talking about isn’t concerned just with whether your partner wants to have sex, but what kind of sex, and why.

Beyond Legal Definitions. The book argues that consent should encompass more than just a legal term, and should involve open communication about desires, boundaries, and preferences. This goes beyond simply saying "yes" or "no" and delves into the specifics of what kind of sex each partner wants to have.

The Yes, No, Maybe Chart. A practical tool for exploring sexual desires is the "Yes, No, Maybe" chart, which involves categorizing various sexual acts into things you enjoy, things you don't ever want to do, and things you're not sure about. This can spark conversations and help partners understand each other's preferences.

Communication is Key. The book emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication in sexual relationships. By speaking up about their desires and boundaries, partners can create a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience for both of them.

5. Objectification Undermines Women's Worth and Safety

The supposedly “pro-family” marital structure, in which sex is exchanged for support and the woman’s identity is absorbed into her husband’s, reinforces the idea of women as property and as simple accoutrements to a man’s more fully realized existence.

Women as Merchandise. The book critiques the ways in which women's bodies and body parts are treated as merchandise in various industries, from wrestling to restaurants to music videos. This objectification reinforces the idea of women as property and undermines their worth as individuals.

The "Empowerment" Myth. The book challenges the notion that objectifying women for profit can be empowering, arguing that it trivializes and hinders the feminist movement. It emphasizes that true empowerment involves bodily autonomy, freedom from violence, and the right to live a life free from sexual assault.

The Dangers of Objectification. The book argues that portraying women's bodies and sexuality as merchandise is dangerous because it makes it easier to demand, even force, a woman to give you her body once she's been transformed from a person into property. This contributes to a culture where sexual violence is more likely to occur.

6. Fat Women, Sexuality, and the Fight for Respect

You fat whores would be lucky to even get raped by someone.

Challenging Beauty Standards. The book confronts the cultural narrative that fat women are unattractive and undesirable, arguing that this narrative contributes to a culture where sexual assault is tacitly accepted. It insists that fat women deserve the same respect and bodily autonomy as anyone else.

Internalized Rejection. The book explores how fat women often internalize the message that they are unfuckable, leading them to reject themselves as potential dates or partners before anyone else gets the chance. This can result in a cycle of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

Reclaiming Agency. The book encourages fat women to reclaim their bodies and their sexuality by challenging the dominant beauty standards and embracing their own desires. It emphasizes the importance of self-love, self-acceptance, and the right to live a life free from shame and fear.

7. Queering Black Female Heterosexuality: Reclaiming Power

It is time to queer black female heterosexuality.

Breaking the Silence. The book addresses the silence surrounding black female sexuality, arguing that this silence is a strategy to combat negative stereotypes but ultimately limits black women's ability to define themselves as sexual beings. It calls for a more open and honest dialogue about black women's desires and experiences.

Challenging Stereotypes. The book critiques the dominant representations of black women in popular culture, from the asexual mammy to the hypersexual jezebel. It argues that these stereotypes serve to control and define the parameters of black women's sexuality.

Adopting a Queer Stance. The book proposes "queering" black female heterosexuality as a way to challenge traditional norms and reclaim sexual power. This involves rejecting shame, embracing pleasure, and defining sexuality on one's own terms.

8. Surviving Incest: A Journey of Healing and Reclamation

Every time I’m naked with my lover and my pussy is no longer clenched shut with vaginismus, no longer a scarred, numb place but the place where she knows how to make me come over and over, easy; the place where my doctor found a very old scar during a pelvic exam melts under his fingers.

Beyond the "Oprah" Narrative. The book challenges the common trope of the incest survivor as a visibly damaged victim, arguing that healing is a complex and ongoing process that doesn't always fit neatly into a prescribed narrative. It emphasizes the importance of self-discovery, community support, and reclaiming sexual power.

The Power of Riot Grrl. The book highlights the role of the Riot Grrl movement in providing a space for young survivors to share their stories, express their rage, and find solidarity. It emphasizes the importance of creating alternative narratives that challenge the dominant culture of silence and shame.

Reclaiming the Body. The book explores the process of reclaiming the body after incest, emphasizing the importance of learning to trust one's instincts, setting boundaries, and finding pleasure in sex and touch. It argues that healing involves not only addressing the trauma but also reclaiming sexual power and agency.

9. Sex-Positive Activism: A Love Letter to Bodily Autonomy

An improved response to rape requires a broad-based approach, and involves challenging the entire right-wing agenda: the wars on sex, on women’s bodies, on the poor, on people of color.

From Anti-Rape to Pro-Sex. The book advocates for a shift from solely focusing on preventing rape to also promoting positive sexuality and bodily autonomy. It argues that creating a culture that values genuine female sexual pleasure can help stop rape.

Challenging the Status Quo. The book critiques the ways in which society controls and regulates women's bodies, from the war on sex to the criminalization of abortion. It insists that women must feel fully entitled to public engagement and consensual sex.

A Call to Action. The book calls for a broad-based approach to anti-rape activism that involves challenging the entire right-wing agenda and promoting a pleasure-affirming vision of female sexuality. It emphasizes the importance of action for reproductive freedom, anti-racism, LGBT rights, and broader gender equality.

10. The Seduction of Power: Women in the Military

The photos of prisoner abuse from Abu Ghraib that were made public are profoundly disturbing.

Women as Instruments of War. The book examines the ways in which the U.S. government, particularly its military, relies on the control and violation of women's sexual autonomy to maintain the status quo. It argues that women's presence in the military is often used to humanize the occupation and create the illusion of gender equity.

Invasion of Space by a Female. The book highlights the use of female soldiers in interrogations to coerce and delude prisoners by representing sexually charged cultural stereotypes of femininity. It argues that this tactic, known as "Invasion of Space by a Female," is a form of sexual aggression.

A Feminist Response. The book calls for a feminist response to sexual assault that involves challenging the entire right-wing agenda and recognizing that anti-rape activism cannot be separated from action for reproductive freedom, anti-racism, LGBT rights, and broader gender equality.

11. Immigrant Women: Sexual Violence Across Borders

Rape has become so prevalent that many women take birth control pills or shots before setting out to ensure they won’t get pregnant.

Vulnerability and Exploitation. The book explores the unique vulnerabilities of immigrant women, who often face sexual assault and exploitation while crossing borders or working in the United States. It argues that their socioeconomic position makes them particularly susceptible to abuse.

Institutional Structures of Violence. The book critiques the racist and classist U.S. immigration policy, which creates a black market for smuggling and increases immigrants' reliance on coyotes who often sexually abuse the women in their charge. It also highlights the ways in which U.S. foreign economic policies contribute to the problem.

A Call for Justice. The book calls for a broader understanding of sexual violence against immigrant women that takes into account the larger structures of poverty and racism. It emphasizes the need for policy changes, community organizing, and a focus on reproductive justice.

12. The Purity Myth: A Tool of Control and Violence

The purity myth—the lie that sexuality defines how “good” women are, and that women’s moral compasses are inextricable from their bodies—is an integral part of rape culture.

Defining "Good" Women. The book exposes the myth of sexual purity and how it reinforces rape culture. It argues that the purity myth—the lie that sexuality defines how "good" women are—is an integral part of rape culture.

Punishing Transgressions. The book argues that under the purity myth, any sexuality that deviates from a strict (generally straight, male-defined) norm is punishable by violence. It highlights the ways in which women who transgress are often blamed for their own assaults.

Reclaiming Sexuality. The book calls for a dismantling of the purity myth and a reclaiming of female sexuality on women's own terms. It emphasizes the importance of creating a world where women are free to enjoy sex without shame or fear.

Last updated: February 25, 2025