Why We Love

1. Love is essential for human survival and wellbeing

Love stems from cooperation and cooperation is our route to survival.

Love as survival strategy. From an evolutionary perspective, love developed as a mechanism to ensure cooperation, which is critical for human survival. Unlike many other species, humans are born extremely vulnerable and require years of care and support to reach maturity. This necessitated the development of strong bonds between parents, offspring, and community members.

Health benefits of love. Research has consistently shown that having loving relationships has significant positive impacts on both physical and mental health:

• Reduced risk of mortality by up to 50%
• Lower rates of cardiovascular disease, cancer, and other illnesses
• Improved immune system functioning
• Better mental health outcomes and life satisfaction

Social networks and wellbeing. The size and quality of our social networks - the web of relationships we maintain - is one of the strongest predictors of health, happiness, and longevity. Love, in its various forms, acts as the glue that maintains these vital connections.

2. The neuroscience of love involves a cocktail of brain chemicals

Beta-endorphin is an astonishing chemical. It is not only the body's natural painkiller but is fundamental to the operation of many of the body's vital functions, including digestion and the regulation of the cardiovascular and renal systems.

Key love chemicals. Several neurochemicals play crucial roles in the experience of love:

• Oxytocin: Promotes bonding and trust
• Dopamine: Creates feelings of pleasure and reward
• Serotonin: Regulates mood and can cause obsessive thinking in early love
• Beta-endorphin: Provides pain relief and feelings of euphoria

Stages of love. The brain's chemical cocktail changes as love progresses:

1. Attraction: High levels of dopamine and norepinephrine create excitement
2. Attachment: Oxytocin and vasopressin promote long-term bonding
3. Long-term love: Beta-endorphin becomes key for maintaining the relationship

Addiction-like properties. The neurochemical processes involved in love share similarities with addiction. This explains why love can feel so intensely pleasurable and why breakups can be so painful - akin to going through withdrawal.

3. Attachment styles shape our relationships and experiences of love

For me, attachment is one of the key markers of deep love, signalling the intense and enduring companionate love that will see us through to the end of our lives in contrast to the passionate sensations – sexual and platonic – which occupy the earliest stages of a relationship.

Attachment theory basics. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory proposes that early childhood experiences shape our approach to relationships throughout life. The four main attachment styles are:

• Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence
• Anxious: Fears abandonment and seeks constant reassurance
• Avoidant: Uncomfortable with closeness, values independence
• Disorganized: Inconsistent and erratic in relationships

Origins of attachment styles. Our attachment style is largely shaped by:

• Early interactions with caregivers
• Genetics (to a lesser extent)
• Life experiences and relationships

Impact on adult relationships. Attachment styles influence how we:

• Approach intimacy and express emotions
• Handle conflict and communicate needs
• Experience and cope with jealousy
• Form and maintain long-term partnerships

4. Love extends beyond romantic partnerships to friends, family, and more

We can love many children, friends, pets, and gods, but we can only ever feel the excited flutterings of romantic love for one person at a time. Romantic love is an outlier.

Diverse forms of love. While romantic love often takes center stage in Western culture, humans are capable of experiencing deep love in many contexts:

• Familial love (parents, siblings, extended family)
• Platonic love (close friendships)
• Self-love
• Love for pets and animals
• Spiritual or religious love
• Love for ideas, causes, or places

Friendship as undervalued love. Close friendships can provide:

• Emotional support and intimacy
• Increased life satisfaction and mental health benefits
• A sense of belonging and community

Chosen families. For some, particularly in LGBTQ+ communities, close friends may serve as a "chosen family," providing the love and support traditionally associated with biological relatives.

5. Cultural and social factors influence how we express and experience love

Love is bound by societal rules. If we look at the nature of these rules, while some relate to the appropriate ways to display love or the value or necessity for love, there are many rules which relate to demographics; age, sex, ethnicity and class.

Cultural variations in love. Different cultures have unique:

• Definitions and concepts of love
• Rituals and traditions surrounding courtship and marriage
• Expectations for public displays of affection
• Views on the importance of romantic love vs. familial or communal love

Collectivist vs. individualist societies. These broad cultural orientations shape attitudes toward love:

• Collectivist: Emphasize family and community bonds, may view passionate love as potentially disruptive
• Individualist: Prioritize personal fulfillment, more likely to idealize romantic love

Social constraints on love. Various factors can limit or shape how love is expressed:

• Religious beliefs and traditions
• Legal restrictions (e.g., on same-sex relationships)
• Class and caste systems
• Gender roles and expectations

Globalization's impact. As cultures interact more, Western ideas about love (particularly romantic love) are becoming more prevalent globally, sometimes clashing with traditional values.

6. Love can have a dark side when used to control or manipulate others

Ultimately, love is about control. Evolution saw fit to furnish us with a set of reward chemicals which are released when we interact with our lover or our child to bribe us to stick around, cooperate and invest in them for the good of the species.

Jealousy and possessiveness. While evolved to protect pair bonds, these emotions can lead to:

• Controlling behaviors
• Emotional manipulation
• In extreme cases, violence or abuse

Dark Triad personalities. Individuals with certain personality traits may use love as a tool for manipulation:

• Machiavellianism: Strategic exploitation of others
• Narcissism: Extreme self-focus and lack of empathy
• Psychopathy: Callousness and impulsivity

Intimate partner violence. Abusive relationships often involve:

• Cycles of abuse followed by expressions of love
• Victims staying due to emotional bonds and hope for change
• Manipulation of attachment needs

Love as social control. On a broader scale, ideas about love can be used to:

• Enforce social norms and hierarchies
• Justify oppressive practices (e.g., arranged marriages, conversion therapy)
• Manipulate followers (as seen in some cults or extremist groups)

7. Love is a powerful motivator that drives human behavior and achievement

Love is all about action towards someone else and Agnieszka and Hubert's work implies that it is quite possibly the greatest motivator of all.

Love as a fundamental drive. Rather than just an emotion, love can be viewed as a basic motivational system, similar to hunger or thirst, that drives human behavior to meet essential needs for connection and belonging.

Transformative power of love. Love can inspire individuals to:

• Pursue personal growth and self-improvement
• Take risks and overcome obstacles
• Make sacrifices for others
• Create art, music, and literature
• Engage in altruistic acts

Neurochemical basis of motivation. The dopamine system, crucial in experiences of love, also plays a key role in motivation and goal-directed behavior. This overlap explains why love can be such a powerful driver of action.

Evolutionary perspective. Love's motivational power likely evolved to ensure:

• Care and protection of offspring
• Formation of strong social bonds for group survival
• Pursuit and maintenance of mating relationships

Human history is full of examples of great achievements inspired by love, from works of art to scientific discoveries to acts of heroism. Understanding love as a fundamental motivator helps explain its profound impact on human behavior and culture.

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Last updated: February 25, 2025