Try Softer

1. Embrace Your Story: Honoring Pain Leads to Healing

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."

Personal growth is a journey, not a quick fix. It requires acknowledging and honoring our experiences, even the painful ones. By embracing our stories, we create space for healing and transformation. This process involves:

• Recognizing that our past shapes us but doesn't define us
• Allowing ourselves to feel and process emotions
• Seeking support from trusted others or professionals

Trying softer means releasing the desire for a quick fix and tending to the wounds beneath the surface. It's about compassionately witnessing our pain and giving ourselves permission to heal at our own pace.

2. Understand Your Brain: The Science of Stress and Trauma

"We come by these tendencies honestly. We've learned to white-knuckle our way through life to armor up against pain and difficulty; we believe minimizing our wounds is the only way we'll be loved."

The brain's response to stress is a complex interplay of different regions:

• Brain stem: Manages basic functions and asks, "Am I safe?"
• Limbic system: Processes emotions and asks, "Am I loved?"
• Cortex and prefrontal cortex: Enable higher thinking and self-regulation

Trauma impacts the brain, causing dysregulation and affecting our ability to cope. Understanding this can help us:

• Recognize our body's stress responses
• Develop strategies to regulate our nervous system
• Approach healing with patience and self-compassion

3. Recognize Attachment Styles: Early Relationships Shape Us

"Safety and connection with our caregivers, it turns out, are critical to healthy human development and our relationships throughout life."

Early relationships form attachment styles that influence how we relate to others and ourselves:

• Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence
• Anxious-ambivalent: Craves closeness but fears abandonment
• Avoidant: Values independence and struggles with intimacy
• Disorganized: Conflicted about closeness and safety

Understanding our attachment style can help us:

• Recognize patterns in our relationships
• Develop healthier ways of connecting with others
• Work towards earned secure attachment through healing relationships

4. Find Your Window of Tolerance: Balancing Arousal and Calm

"When we are in our window, the brain stays integrated with the prefrontal cortex, which allows us to pay compassionate attention to ourselves and to try softer."

The window of tolerance is the optimal zone of arousal where we can function effectively:

• Hyperarousal: Fight/flight/fawn response (anxiety, anger)
• Hypoarousal: Freeze/dissociation response (numbness, disconnection)

Staying within our window involves:

• Recognizing signs of hyper- or hypoarousal
• Using grounding techniques to return to balance
• Gradually expanding our tolerance for discomfort

5. Set Healthy Boundaries: Honoring Limits Brings Freedom

"Setting boundaries is complex, difficult work, but I promise that as we begin to set limits and learn to listen to what our bodies are telling us, we will start experiencing the freedom that comes with hearing the heartbeat of our internal world."

Healthy boundaries are essential for emotional well-being and authentic relationships. They involve:

• Recognizing our needs and limits
• Communicating them clearly to others
• Respecting others' boundaries as well

Learning to set boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if we've been conditioned to people-please. However, it's a crucial skill for:

• Maintaining our emotional energy
• Fostering genuine connections
• Honoring our own worth and dignity

6. Practice Mindful Attention: Cultivate Awareness and Presence

"Simply being aware of an intense sensation is not the same as maintaining a mindful posture toward it."

Mindfulness is moment-to-moment awareness without judgment. It involves:

• Observing our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations
• Cultivating curiosity and openness to experience
• Developing the ability to be present in the here and now

Benefits of mindfulness include:

• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Improved emotional regulation
• Increased self-awareness and compassion

Practicing mindfulness can be as simple as focusing on your breath or noticing the sensations in your body throughout the day.

7. Listen to Your Body: Embracing Physical Wisdom

"We are not simply bodies walking around; we are our bodies. They are not all of who we are, but they are an essential part."

Our bodies hold wisdom that can guide us towards healing and wholeness. This involves:

• Recognizing physical sensations as messengers
• Tuning into our body's needs for rest, nourishment, and movement
• Honoring our physical experiences as valid and important

Embodiment practices can help us reconnect with our bodies:

• Body scans to increase awareness
• Gentle movement or yoga
• Paying attention to our breath and posture

By listening to our bodies, we can make choices that support our overall well-being and live more fully in the present moment.

8. Navigate Emotions: Feel to Heal

"Emotions add texture to our lives. They are the feedback to our interactions. They are a response to our stories, physiology, and environments—those parts of our lives that make us who we are."

Emotions provide valuable information about our experiences and needs. Learning to navigate them involves:

• Identifying and naming our feelings
• Allowing ourselves to experience emotions without judgment
• Recognizing that emotions are temporary and always changing

Emotional regulation strategies include:

• Practicing mindfulness of emotions
• Using grounding techniques when overwhelmed
• Seeking support from trusted others

By embracing our emotions rather than suppressing them, we can process our experiences more effectively and move towards healing.

9. Silence Your Inner Critic: Cultivate Self-Compassion

"We can't hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward true growth."

Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to our inner critic. It involves:

• Mindfulness: Observing our experiences without judgment
• Common humanity: Recognizing that suffering is universal
• Self-kindness: Treating ourselves with the same care we'd offer a friend

Practicing self-compassion can lead to:

• Reduced anxiety and depression
• Increased resilience and emotional well-being
• Improved relationships with ourselves and others

By cultivating self-compassion, we create an internal environment conducive to growth and healing.

10. Try Softer: A Gentle Approach to Personal Growth

"Learning to try softer is not a onetime event but a way we learn to be with ourselves."

Trying softer is a compassionate approach to personal growth that involves:

• Honoring our humanity and limitations
• Approaching ourselves with kindness and patience
• Recognizing that healing is a process, not a destination

Benefits of trying softer include:

• Reduced stress and burnout
• Improved self-awareness and emotional regulation
• More authentic relationships with ourselves and others

By embracing the try-softer approach, we can move towards healing and wholeness in a way that honors our unique journey and experiences.

Last updated: January 23, 2025