The Upstairs Wife

1. Karachi's Women Navigate Tradition and Modernity

For one odd, brief, and singular moment, the catastrophes of my family and my country had come together, showing me how they were woven together, knotted and inextricable, inside and outside, male and female, no longer separate.

Balancing Act. The women of Karachi, particularly those of the older generations, find themselves at the intersection of deeply ingrained traditions and the ever-encroaching forces of modernity. They grapple with expectations surrounding marriage, family, and societal roles while also seeking education, independence, and personal fulfillment. This creates a complex and often contradictory landscape for women to navigate.

Examples of this tension:

• My mother learning to drive despite objections from male family members
• Aunt Amina's struggle with societal expectations after her husband's second marriage
• Benazir Bhutto's rise to political power in a patriarchal society

Resilience and Adaptation. Despite the challenges, these women demonstrate remarkable resilience and adaptability. They find ways to carve out their own spaces, assert their agency, and maintain their identities within the confines of their cultural context. This often involves subtle acts of rebellion, quiet acts of defiance, and the cultivation of strong bonds with other women.

2. Partition's Legacy Shapes Lives and Identities

A bride’s departure from her father’s house was the beating heart of every marriage ceremony: the severing of one life and the start of another was commemorated in every wedding song I had ever sung and every nuptial ritual I had ever seen.

Displacement and Loss. The partition of India and Pakistan in 1947 had a profound and lasting impact on the lives of countless individuals, particularly those who were forced to migrate from their ancestral homes. This displacement resulted in a loss of identity, community, and a sense of belonging, leaving many feeling like perpetual outsiders in their new surroundings.

Community and Identity. The Kokani community's migration to Karachi is a prime example. They sought to recreate their old ways in a new land, clinging to their traditions and customs as a way of preserving their identity in the face of displacement. This desire for community and belonging often led to the formation of close-knit neighborhoods and housing societies based on shared origins.

Enduring Scars. The trauma of Partition continues to reverberate through generations, shaping the social, political, and cultural landscape of Karachi. The city's ethnic tensions, economic disparities, and struggles with identity can all be traced back to the events of 1947 and the mass migration that followed.

3. Marriage Contracts and Societal Expectations Define Women's Roles

According to our Muslim custom, he was supposed to ask Aunt Amina for her permission.

Limited Agency. Marriage contracts and societal expectations play a significant role in defining women's roles and limiting their agency in Pakistani society. Arranged marriages, dowries, and the expectation of female subservience to male authority all contribute to a system that often prioritizes family honor and tradition over individual autonomy.

Examples of this control:

• Aunt Amina's forced acceptance of her husband's second marriage
• The pressure on women to bear sons and maintain family honor
• The limited opportunities for women to pursue education or careers

Subtle Resistance. Despite these constraints, women often find ways to subvert societal expectations and assert their own desires. This can take the form of pursuing education, seeking employment, or challenging traditional gender roles within the confines of their families and communities.

4. Political Turmoil and Ethnic Strife Impact Daily Life

Karachi burned for days as news channels played the tape of Benazir’s assassination over and over again, a red circle marking her attacker and her last flailing moments.

Instability and Violence. Karachi's history is marked by political turmoil, ethnic strife, and violence, which have a direct impact on the daily lives of its residents. From the Qasba Colony massacre to the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the city has been plagued by episodes of bloodshed and instability that have left lasting scars on its collective psyche.

Fear and Uncertainty. The constant threat of violence creates a climate of fear and uncertainty, forcing people to live with a heightened sense of vulnerability and insecurity. This can lead to social fragmentation, economic stagnation, and a general erosion of trust in institutions and authority.

Resilience and Adaptation. Despite the challenges, Karachiites have demonstrated a remarkable capacity for resilience and adaptation. They have learned to navigate the city's complex social and political landscape, forging alliances, developing coping mechanisms, and finding ways to survive in the face of adversity.

5. The Allure and Disillusionment of Migration

They had expected to fall in love with Karachi, and so they did.

Hope and Opportunity. Migration to Karachi is often driven by the hope of a better life, economic opportunity, and a sense of belonging. The city's bustling port, thriving industries, and diverse population have long attracted people from all over Pakistan and beyond, promising a chance to escape poverty, persecution, and limited opportunities in their home regions.

Harsh Realities. However, the reality of life in Karachi often falls short of these expectations. Migrants face challenges such as unemployment, poverty, discrimination, and a lack of access to basic services. The city's infrastructure is often strained beyond capacity, leading to overcrowding, pollution, and a general decline in quality of life.

Disillusionment and Nostalgia. The gap between the promise of Karachi and the reality of life in the city can lead to disillusionment and a longing for the past. Migrants often cling to their traditions, customs, and languages as a way of preserving their identity and maintaining a connection to their ancestral homes.

6. The Weight of Unfulfilled Expectations and Societal Judgment

“At least he is not leaving you,” she said with her good-byes. “At least you will still be his wife.”

Societal Pressure. The characters in the book are constantly subjected to the scrutiny and judgment of their families, communities, and society at large. This pressure can be particularly intense for women, who are often evaluated based on their ability to conform to traditional gender roles and meet societal expectations.

Examples of this pressure:

• Aunt Amina's struggle to bear children and maintain her husband's affection
• The pressure on women to remain in unhappy marriages to avoid social stigma
• The constant gossip and speculation surrounding women's lives and choices

Internalized Judgment. The weight of these expectations can lead to internalized judgment and self-doubt, making it difficult for women to assert their own desires and make choices that are in their best interests. This can result in feelings of isolation, powerlessness, and a sense of being trapped by circumstances beyond their control.

7. Finding Strength and Agency Amidst Constraints

Her battle to be permitted to drive had not been an easy one.

Subtle Acts of Rebellion. Despite the constraints imposed upon them, the women in the book often find ways to assert their agency and challenge societal norms. These acts of rebellion may be subtle, such as pursuing education, seeking employment, or expressing their opinions in private conversations.

Examples of this agency:

• My mother learning to drive despite objections from male family members
• Benazir Bhutto's rise to political power in a patriarchal society
• Aunt Amina's decision to leave her husband after his second marriage

Sisterhood and Support. Women often find strength and support in their relationships with other women. These bonds provide a space for sharing experiences, offering advice, and challenging societal expectations. Sisterhood becomes a source of resilience and empowerment in a world that often seeks to diminish women's voices and agency.

8. The Enduring Power of Family and Community Bonds

There was no precedent for it, and so my grandfather, newly retired, did the only thing he knew to do, which was to enlist the advice of others—as many others as he could think of.

Support Systems. Family and community bonds play a crucial role in the lives of the characters, providing a safety net in times of crisis and a source of identity and belonging. These relationships are often characterized by a complex mix of love, obligation, and tradition, shaping individual choices and destinies.

Examples of these bonds:

• My grandparents' reliance on their Kokani community for support and advice
• The close-knit relationships between women in the family
• The importance of family honor and reputation

Conflicting Loyalties. However, family and community bonds can also be a source of conflict and constraint. Individuals may feel pressured to conform to expectations, sacrifice their own desires for the sake of the family, or become entangled in complex webs of obligation and loyalty.

9. Violence and Loss as a Recurring Theme in Karachi's History

The clues to who the men might be and why they had come were in the newspaper the day before.

Cycle of Violence. Violence and loss are recurring themes in Karachi's history, reflecting the city's struggles with political instability, ethnic strife, and social inequality. From the Qasba Colony massacre to the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the city has been marked by episodes of bloodshed and trauma that have left lasting scars on its collective psyche.

Impact on Individuals. These events have a profound impact on individuals, shaping their sense of safety, security, and trust in institutions and authority. The constant threat of violence can lead to fear, anxiety, and a general erosion of social cohesion.

Seeking Justice and Closure. Despite the challenges, Karachiites continue to seek justice, accountability, and closure for the violence and loss they have experienced. This can take the form of political activism, community organizing, or simply bearing witness to the stories of those who have been affected.

10. The Complex Interplay of Religion, Politics, and Personal Choice

The Pakistan that Benazir returned to had changed particularly in regard to its treatment of women, who had borne the weight of an Islamization campaign intended to legitimize the rule of a military dictator.

Influence of Religion. Religion plays a significant role in shaping the social, political, and cultural landscape of Karachi. The interpretation and application of religious principles are often contested, leading to tensions between traditionalists, modernists, and secularists.

Political Manipulation. Political leaders often use religion to legitimize their power, mobilize support, and control the population. This can lead to the implementation of laws and policies that restrict individual freedoms, particularly those of women and minorities.

Navigating Faith and Freedom. Individuals must navigate the complex interplay of religion, politics, and personal choice, seeking to reconcile their faith with their desire for autonomy and self-expression. This can involve challenging traditional interpretations of religious texts, advocating for social justice, or simply living their lives in accordance with their own values and beliefs.

Last updated: February 21, 2025