The New Topping Book

1. Topping is About Power, Responsibility, and Empathy

Consensual sadism, dominance and topping are primarily empathic activities.

Power dynamics. Topping in BDSM is not about wielding power over another person in a harmful way, but rather about engaging in a consensual power exchange that is both erotic and transformative. It's about exploring the dynamics of control and submission within a safe, negotiated framework. Tops get to experience a heightened sense of power, while bottoms find pleasure in relinquishing control.

Building the hearth. Ethical tops understand that with great power comes great responsibility. They prioritize the well-being of their bottoms above all else, ensuring that the scene remains safe, consensual, and enjoyable for everyone involved. This involves building a "scene space," a metaphorical fireplace that contains the intensity of the play and prevents it from spilling over into real-world harm.

Empathy is key. The most skilled tops are not those who are the most cruel or dominant, but those who are the most attuned to their bottoms' needs and desires. Empathy allows tops to anticipate their bottoms' reactions, adjust their techniques accordingly, and create a truly transformative experience for both parties. This connection is the "contact high" that makes topping so rewarding.

2. Tops Have Rights, But Also Responsibilities

You have the right to clear communication.

Rights and expectations. Tops are entitled to clear communication from their bottoms regarding their needs, wants, and limits. They also have the right to expect support, nurturance, and constructive feedback from their partners, both during and after the scene. These rights ensure that topping is a mutually beneficial experience.

Responsibilities to uphold. With these rights come responsibilities. Tops are responsible for knowing and stating their own needs and limits, following through on their promises, and ensuring the physical and emotional safety of their bottoms. This includes being prepared for emergencies, caring for their equipment, and providing support and aftercare.

Balance is key. The best BDSM relationships are those in which both tops and bottoms are aware of their rights and responsibilities, and work together to create a dynamic that is both exciting and fulfilling. This balance ensures that everyone involved feels respected, valued, and empowered.

3. Learning the Ropes: Skill and Communication are Key

The more you can learn, and the more you are willing to learn, the better a top you will be.

Continuous learning. Becoming a skilled top requires a commitment to continuous learning. This includes studying BDSM techniques, attending workshops and demonstrations, and seeking guidance from experienced players. The more knowledge and skills a top possesses, the better equipped they will be to create safe, enjoyable, and transformative scenes.

Bottom as teacher. One of the most valuable resources for learning about topping is the bottom. Bottoms know what sensations and emotions feel like from the inside, and can provide invaluable feedback on what works and what doesn't. Good tops are open to learning from their bottoms and adapting their techniques accordingly.

Practice makes perfect. Like any skill, topping requires practice. This includes experimenting with different techniques on yourself, practicing knots and bondage, and rehearsing commands and dialogue. The more you practice, the more confident and competent you will become as a top.

4. Elevate Your Play: Openness and Intuition

When you top we get to feel big.

Beyond technique. While technical skill is important, the most transformative BDSM scenes are those that go beyond technique and tap into something deeper. This requires tops to be open to their own emotions, as well as the emotions of their bottoms. By staying present and attuned to the moment, tops can create a shared experience that is both intense and intimate.

Intuition's role. Intuition can play a powerful role in BDSM. By trusting their instincts, tops can often anticipate their bottoms' needs and desires, and create a scene that is perfectly tailored to their individual preferences. However, it's important to balance intuition with clear communication and consent.

Staying open. The best tops are those who are willing to be vulnerable and authentic in their play. This means sharing their own emotions, fears, and desires with their bottoms, and creating a space where both parties feel safe to explore their deepest selves. This openness can lead to experiences of profound connection and transformation.

5. Ethical Play: Consent, Limits, and Respect

Respect for consent is mandatory.

Consent is paramount. Consent is the cornerstone of ethical BDSM. It must be freely given, informed, and enthusiastic. Tops must ensure that their bottoms are fully aware of the risks involved in the scene, and that they have the ability to withdraw their consent at any time, without fear of reprisal.

Honoring limits. Respecting limits is just as important as obtaining consent. Tops must be aware of their bottoms' physical and emotional boundaries, and never push them beyond what they are comfortable with. This requires clear communication, careful observation, and a willingness to adjust the scene as needed.

Respect for persons. Ethical BDSM is based on mutual respect and understanding. Tops and bottoms are both complete human beings of equal stature and importance, deserving of dignity and consideration. This means treating each other with kindness, compassion, and empathy, both during and after the scene.

6. Negotiation: Clear Communication is Essential

Good tops learn to support bottoms through the embarrassment of revealing their fantasies – and isn’t embarrassment one of those hot forbidden emotions we love to play with?

Information exchange. Before any scene begins, tops and bottoms must engage in a thorough negotiation process. This involves sharing information about their needs, wants, limits, and fantasies. The goal is to create a shared understanding of what the scene will entail, and to ensure that everyone involved feels safe and comfortable.

I-messages. Effective communication is key to successful negotiation. Tops should use "I-messages" to express their own feelings and desires, rather than making accusations or demands. This helps to create a collaborative atmosphere in which both parties feel heard and respected.

Addressing neediness. Neediness can sometimes interfere with clear communication. Tops should be prepared to address neediness in a constructive way, by setting clear boundaries, encouraging direct communication, and providing reassurance and support.

7. Scene in Motion: Control, Responsiveness, and Support

Response is the top’s safety information, and it is also the top’s reward.

Taking control. During the scene, tops must take control of the situation, setting the tone and directing the action. This involves giving clear and concise commands, setting boundaries, and ensuring that the scene stays within the agreed-upon parameters.

Responsiveness is key. Tops must also be responsive to their bottoms' reactions, adjusting their techniques and approaches as needed. This requires careful observation, active listening, and a willingness to adapt to changing circumstances.

Providing support. Throughout the scene, tops should provide their bottoms with support and encouragement. This can take many forms, from verbal praise and reassurance to physical touch and nurturing. The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment in which bottoms feel empowered to explore their limits.

8. When Things Go Wrong: Handling Mishaps with Grace

It is completely unethical to respond with scorn or ridicule to a person who has safeworded: S/M is not a competition, we are not playing against each other.

Emotional glitches. Despite the best intentions, things can sometimes go wrong during a BDSM scene. Emotional glitches, such as panic attacks, flashbacks, or sudden outbursts of anger, are not uncommon. Tops must be prepared to handle these situations with sensitivity and compassion.

Physical mishaps. Physical mishaps, such as injuries or accidents, can also occur. Tops must be prepared to provide first aid and seek medical attention if necessary. It's also important to have a plan for dealing with outside-world emergencies, such as power outages or interruptions from family members.

Aftershocks. After the scene is over, both tops and bottoms may experience aftershocks, such as feelings of guilt, shame, or self-doubt. It's important to provide support and reassurance during this time, and to remind each other that the scene was consensual, safe, and enjoyable.

9. Toys for Tops: Tools of the Trade

The blindfold is a toy of such astonishing virtue that we had to set aside some space to talk about it.

Basic toy selection. A basic toy selection for tops might include rope, restraints, a blindfold, a collar, clamps, candles, a soft flogger, a slapper or jockey bat, sex toys, safer sex supplies, and emergency supplies. These tools provide a foundation for exploring a wide range of BDSM activities.

Advanced toys. As tops gain experience, they may want to add more advanced toys to their collection, such as helplessness toys, toys for hitting, toys for pinching, toys for poking, toys that heat or cool, toys that zap, and toys for turning on and getting off. These tools can enhance the intensity and complexity of BDSM scenes.

Maintaining toys. It's important to maintain toys properly, keeping them clean, free of breakage or flaws, and in good working order. This ensures that they are safe and enjoyable to use.

10. Finding Others: Building Community and Connections

When you attend your first munch or club meeting, tear your eyes away from the people who look like potential play partners, and start looking around for people who look like the kind of top you want to be, because those are the people who can help you become that kind of top.

Virtual communities. The Internet provides a valuable resource for finding others who share your interests in BDSM. Online forums, chat rooms, and social media groups can be a great way to connect with like-minded individuals, learn new techniques, and find potential play partners.

Real-world communities. In addition to virtual communities, it's also important to connect with real-world communities. This can include attending munches, leather bars, support groups, and other BDSM-related events. These events provide opportunities to meet people in person, build relationships, and learn from experienced players.

Choosing the right bottom. Not all bottoms are created equal. When choosing a play partner, it's important to look for someone who is responsible, communicative, supportive, and respectful. The right bottom can enhance your experience as a top, while the wrong bottom can make it a nightmare.

11. Full-Time D/S: Immersion and Commitment

If being trained to become a perfect servant sounds too humiliating, you are not strong enough to withstand the temptations of wielding power.

Lifestyle choice. Some players choose to live in their scene roles all the time, creating a full-time D/S relationship. This involves a deep commitment to the power dynamic, and a willingness to integrate it into all aspects of daily life.

Fluidity is key. Even in full-time D/S relationships, it's important to maintain a degree of fluidity. The dominant and submissive should be able to move in and out of their roles as needed, and to communicate openly and honestly about their needs and desires.

Contracts and symbols. Full-time D/S relationships often involve contracts and symbols, such as collars, which serve to define the power dynamic and reinforce the commitment between the partners. These contracts should be carefully negotiated and regularly reviewed to ensure that they continue to meet the needs of both parties.

12. Shadow Play: Exploring the Dark Side

We live in a culture of powermongers.

Delving into the psyche. Shadow play involves exploring deep psychological territory, such as trauma, abuse, and oppression. These scenes can be intense and challenging, but they can also be transformative, allowing players to confront their fears, heal old wounds, and reclaim their power.

Cultural trauma. Some players choose to explore cultural trauma, such as slavery, the Holocaust, or the Spanish Inquisition. These scenes can be highly controversial, but they can also be a powerful way to confront historical injustices and promote healing and understanding.

Emotional safety. When engaging in shadow play, it's essential to prioritize emotional safety. This involves careful negotiation, clear communication, and a willingness to stop the scene if either party feels uncomfortable. It's also important to provide aftercare and support, both during and after the scene.

Last updated: February 26, 2025