Parenting with Presence

1. Parenting as a Mirror: Self-Discovery and Growth

Parenting is a mirror in which we get to see the best of ourselves, and the worst; the richest moments of living, and the most frightening.

Children as Teachers. Our children, often seen as students, are in fact powerful teachers, reflecting our strengths and weaknesses back to us. They challenge our patience, test our boundaries, and expose our unresolved issues, providing opportunities for profound personal growth. Embracing this perspective transforms parenting from a task into a spiritual practice.

Unfinished Business. Children often trigger unresolved issues from our own childhoods, forcing us to confront and heal old wounds. A child's messiness might trigger a parent's need for control, or a child's anger might mirror a parent's suppressed emotions. Recognizing these patterns allows us to break free from repeating negative cycles.

Sacred Contracts. Viewing our children as teachers allows us to reframe challenging behaviors as opportunities for growth. Imagining a "sacred contract" where souls agree to learn specific lessons in this lifetime can provide a deeper understanding of the parent-child dynamic, fostering compassion and acceptance.

2. The Captain of the Ship: Providing Structure and Guidance

Children don’t want to be in charge; it’s just that they know somebody has to be, because they understand that life is not safe unless someone competent is behind the wheel.

Clear Leadership. Children thrive when parents provide clear, loving, and capable leadership, acting as the "Captain of the ship." This doesn't mean being authoritarian, but rather setting healthy boundaries, making responsible decisions, and providing a sense of security and stability. A lack of structure can lead to anxiety and behavioral issues.

Avoiding Extremes. Parents often fall into one of three modes: Captain, Two Lawyers (negotiating for power), or Dictator (asserting control through fear). The goal is to find a balance, avoiding both excessive control and complete permissiveness. The Captain mode combines empathy and kindness with decisiveness and clarity.

Setting Limits with Love. Setting limits is essential for raising resilient and responsible children. It involves being comfortable with disappointing them, understanding that it's not our job to fix all their problems. Allowing children to experience and navigate disappointment builds their capacity to cope with life's inevitable challenges.

3. Beyond the Snapshot: Embracing Reality Over Idealization

Reality is always kinder than the story we tell ourselves about it.

The Snapshot Child. Parents often struggle because their real child doesn't match the idealized "Snapshot Child" they've created in their minds. This mismatch leads to frustration, disappointment, and reactive parenting. Letting go of the snapshot allows us to accept and appreciate our children for who they are.

Grieving the Ideal. Making peace with the realities of parenting often requires grieving the life we imagined before children. This might involve acknowledging the loss of freedom, career opportunities, or personal time. Allowing ourselves to feel these emotions is essential for fully embracing our current life.

Dysfunctional Acceptance. True acceptance involves facing reality, not hiding from it. Dysfunctional acceptance occurs when parents ignore or minimize their child's challenges, such as substance abuse or academic struggles, out of fear or denial. This prevents them from providing the necessary support and intervention.

4. Raising Adults: Cultivating Essential Life Skills

If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.

Long-Term Vision. Parenting is not just about managing children in the present, but about preparing them for adulthood. This involves instilling qualities like honesty, gratitude, responsibility, and compassion. It also requires modeling these qualities in our own lives.

Inherent Worthiness. The most important thing we can do for our children is to help them know they are inherently worthy of love and happiness. This belief will enable them to absorb all the good that comes their way and navigate life's challenges with resilience. It is more important than any external achievement.

Beyond Happiness. While happiness is a desirable outcome, it's not the sole focus. Children need to develop skills and resources to accept life on its terms, including the ability to move through disappointment, grief, and loss. This builds resilience and prepares them for the inevitable ups and downs of adulthood.

5. Modeling the Way: The Power of Parental Example

The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.

Actions Speak Louder. Children learn more from what we do than what we say. If we want them to be respectful, honest, and compassionate, we must embody those qualities in our own lives. Hypocrisy undermines our efforts to instill positive values.

Self-Reflection. Raising children provides an opportunity to examine our own behavior and identify areas where we can improve. This involves being honest about our shortcomings and taking responsibility for our actions. It also means being willing to grow and evolve alongside our children.

The Imperfect Parent. Striving for perfection is unrealistic and counterproductive. Children benefit from seeing their parents acknowledge their mistakes, apologize, and learn from their experiences. This teaches them that it's okay to be imperfect and that growth is a lifelong process.

6. Communication is Key: Fostering Open Dialogue

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.

Respectful Dialogue. Teaching children to communicate effectively involves modeling respectful listening, expressing wishes without aggression, and acknowledging the other person's feelings. This creates a safe space for open and honest dialogue.

The Four Modalities of Interaction. In our interactions with others, we generally fall into one of four categories: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. We are assertive when we are being what I call the Captain of the ship in our children’s lives. In this mode, we maintain healthy boundaries with our children, allowing them to have their needs, wants, feelings, and preferences without making them wrong when they don’t nicely overlap with our own.

Truth and Kindness. It's important to teach children the art of speaking their truth with kindness. This involves finding a balance between honesty and compassion, avoiding both passive silence and aggressive confrontation. It also means being willing to have difficult conversations, even when they're uncomfortable.

7. Empathy, Vulnerability, and Compassion: Building a Better World

Our human compassion binds us the one to the other — not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future.

Interconnectedness. Recognizing our shared humanity is essential for fostering empathy and compassion. Children need to understand that we are all interconnected and that our actions have an impact on others, both near and far.

Mirror Neurons. Science supports the notion that we are hardwired for empathy. Mirror neurons in our brains allow us to feel what others are feeling, creating a natural inclination to connect and care. Nurturing this capacity is crucial for building a more compassionate world.

Exposure and Action. To cultivate empathy, children need to be exposed to diverse perspectives and experiences. This might involve traveling, volunteering, or simply listening to the stories of others. It also requires taking action to alleviate suffering and make a positive impact on the world.

8. Managing Stress: Equipping Kids for Life's Challenges

To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring — it was peace.

The Pressures of Modern Childhood. Today's children face unprecedented levels of stress, from academic pressure to social media anxieties. It's essential to equip them with coping strategies to navigate these challenges and protect their mental and physical health.

Connection as a Buffer. Strong attachments with loving caregivers provide a buffer against stress. Children who feel securely connected are better able to cope with adversity and regulate their emotions. Prioritizing quality time and open communication strengthens these bonds.

Mindfulness and Presence. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and deep breathing, can help children manage stress by bringing them back to the present moment. These techniques empower them to observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment, reducing reactivity and promoting emotional regulation.

9. Happiness from Within: Cultivating Inner Joy

Say, ‘I do not want anything’ and be happy.

Beyond External Validation. True happiness is not dependent on external achievements or possessions. It's a state of inner peace and contentment that comes from appreciating the simple things in life and connecting with our authentic selves.

The Happiness Set Point. While genetics and circumstances play a role in our happiness levels, habits have a significant impact. By cultivating positive thinking patterns, practicing gratitude, and engaging in activities that bring us joy, we can shift our happiness set point.

Spiritual Connection. Exploring our spirituality, in whatever form resonates with us, can provide a deeper sense of meaning and purpose. This might involve religious practices, meditation, spending time in nature, or simply connecting with our inner selves. It's about finding a framework for understanding the universe and our place in it.

Last updated: February 21, 2025