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Mate

Mate

Become the Man Women Want
by Tucker Max 2015 375 pages
4.09
1k+ ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Develop self-confidence to attract women

Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something, given (a) your competence at it and (b) the risk involved with doing it.

Build genuine confidence. Self-confidence is crucial for attracting women, but it must be based on actual competence and demonstrated performance. Avoid faking confidence or relying on empty self-affirmations. Instead, focus on developing real skills and abilities that you can feel genuinely confident about. This could involve:

  • Mastering a hobby or sport
  • Achieving professional success
  • Developing social skills through practice
  • Setting and accomplishing personal goals

Remember that confidence is domain-specific, so work on building it across multiple areas of your life. As you accumulate small wins and successes, your overall confidence will grow naturally, making you more attractive to women.

2. Understand women's perspective and concerns

When a man interacts with a woman, his greatest fear is sexual rejection and humiliation. This causes him to spend as much time and energy (if not more) on defensive strategies to protect against rejection as he does on mating strategies to attract women.

Empathize with women's fears. To succeed with women, it's crucial to understand their perspective and concerns. Women's primary fear in male interactions is physical harm or sexual assault. This fundamental difference in fears shapes how women approach dating and relationships. To be more attractive and successful with women:

  • Prioritize making women feel safe and comfortable in your presence
  • Be aware of potential threats in the environment and act protectively
  • Demonstrate emotional intelligence and empathy
  • Respect women's boundaries and consent
  • Show that you're trustworthy and reliable

By understanding and addressing women's concerns, you'll stand out as a more attractive and desirable partner.

3. Clarify your mating goals and ethics

To attract women, you must be able to take their point of view and think of them not as marketing vehicles to objectify, but as living, thinking, feeling individual humans. You have to subjectify them: accept, understand, and acknowledge their individual, subjective consciousness.

Define your intentions. Before pursuing women, it's essential to clarify your mating goals and ethical standards. This self-awareness will guide your actions and help you attract compatible partners. Consider:

  • Short-term vs. long-term relationship goals
  • Your values and non-negotiables in a partner
  • Ethical boundaries in pursuit of relationships

Be honest with yourself and potential partners about your intentions. This transparency will lead to more fulfilling connections and reduce the risk of hurting others or yourself. Remember that treating women as individuals with their own desires and perspectives is crucial for successful relationships.

4. Cultivate attractive traits: physical health, mental health, intelligence

You have no fucking idea what you're doing. Not when it comes to sex and dating and women, anyway. That's probably why you bought this book or why someone gave it to you as a not-so-subtle hint that you need to get your shit together.

Improve your fundamental qualities. To become more attractive to women, focus on developing these key traits:

  1. Physical health:

    • Exercise regularly, focusing on strength training
    • Eat a balanced diet, avoiding processed foods
    • Prioritize sleep and stress management
  2. Mental health:

    • Practice mindfulness and meditation
    • Seek therapy if needed
    • Cultivate positive relationships and hobbies
  3. Intelligence:

    • Read widely and stay informed about current events
    • Pursue continuous learning and skill development
    • Engage in intellectually stimulating conversations

By working on these foundational traits, you'll not only become more attractive to women but also improve your overall quality of life.

5. Master willpower and the "tender defender" balance

A woman benefits from a kind, tender partner who cares for her and a strong, decisive protector who can defend her. If you can do both—if you are a "tender defender"—you become the whole package.

Cultivate self-control and balance. Developing willpower is crucial for personal growth and attractiveness. Simultaneously, mastering the balance between being kind and assertive – the "tender defender" – is highly appealing to women. To achieve this:

  • Set and achieve personal goals to build willpower
  • Practice delayed gratification and impulse control
  • Show empathy and kindness in your interactions
  • Be assertive and protective when necessary
  • Learn to navigate conflicts constructively

By demonstrating both strength and sensitivity, you'll appeal to women's desire for a partner who can provide emotional support and security.

6. Display attractive proofs through social status, style, and romance

Your social proof is really just the answer to one key question: does this guy add value to people's lives?

Showcase your value. Attracting women isn't just about having positive qualities; it's about effectively displaying them. Focus on these key areas:

  1. Social proof:

    • Cultivate a diverse and supportive friend group
    • Engage in social activities and leadership roles
    • Demonstrate popularity and respect from others
  2. Style and aesthetics:

    • Develop a personal style that suits you
    • Maintain good grooming habits
    • Create an attractive living space
  3. Romantic competence:

    • Learn to plan thoughtful dates
    • Develop emotional intelligence in relationships
    • Master the art of physical intimacy and consent

By effectively demonstrating these proofs, you signal to women that you're a high-value partner capable of enhancing their lives.

7. Choose the right mating markets and meet women effectively

The best way to meet a lot of women is to make your dating life an extension of your social life.

Optimize your dating environment. Success in dating often depends on being in the right place at the right time. To improve your chances:

  • Identify mating markets with favorable ratios and compatible women
  • Engage in social activities aligned with your interests
  • Leverage online dating platforms strategically
  • Attend events and join groups where like-minded women gather

Avoid relying solely on bars and clubs, which can be challenging environments for meeting women. Instead, focus on creating organic opportunities to connect through shared interests and social circles.

8. Master the art of conversation and dating

In mating situations, the purpose of conversation is to indirectly signal your underlying traits and begin the process of connection to the other person.

Hone your communication skills. Effective conversation is crucial for attracting and connecting with women. Remember these key principles:

  • Focus on listening and showing genuine interest
  • Use conversation to showcase your attractive traits indirectly
  • Be a good "host" by making others feel comfortable
  • Pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues
  • Ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation flowing
  • Share personal stories that demonstrate your values and experiences

When dating, prioritize creating memorable experiences and building emotional connections. Be attentive, respectful, and authentic in your interactions. By mastering the art of conversation and dating, you'll significantly increase your chances of forming meaningful relationships with women.

Last updated:

FAQ

What's Mate: Become the Man Women Want about?

  • Focus on Mating Success: The book is a guide for men to enhance their dating lives by understanding what women want and becoming more attractive to them.
  • Five Principles and Steps: It outlines five core principles of mating success and a five-step process to help men achieve their dating goals.
  • Evolutionary Psychology Insights: Authors Tucker Max and Geoff Miller use evolutionary psychology to explain female mate choice and the traits women find attractive.

Why should I read Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Practical Advice: Offers actionable advice based on scientific research and real-world experiences, making it a valuable resource for men.
  • Understanding Women: Helps men understand the female perspective, crucial for successful interactions and relationships.
  • Personal Growth: Reading this book can lead to personal development, increased confidence, and better relationships.

What are the key takeaways of Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Five Principles of Mating: Emphasizes decisions based on science, understanding women's perspectives, owning attractiveness, honesty, and creating win-win relationships.
  • Physical and Mental Health: Highlights the importance of being in shape and maintaining good mental health as attractive traits.
  • Intelligence Matters: Stresses that intelligence, in various forms, is a key factor in attraction and relationship success.

What are the best quotes from Mate: Become the Man Women Want and what do they mean?

  • “You have no fucking idea what you’re doing.”: Highlights the common confusion men face in dating and the need for guidance.
  • “To be successful in mating, you simply have to become the kind of man that women have evolved to want.”: Emphasizes the evolutionary basis of attraction.
  • “Honesty is the bedrock of self-improvement and mating success.”: Underscores the value of being truthful in the dating process.

What are the five principles of mating success in Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Make Decisions with Science: Base dating strategies on empirical evidence rather than outdated norms.
  • Account for the Woman’s Perspective: Understand women's needs and fears to improve attractiveness.
  • Own Your Attractiveness: Take responsibility for personal growth and attractiveness.
  • Be Honest: Cultivate honesty in interactions to build trust and long-term success.
  • Play to Win-Win: Seek mutually beneficial relationships rather than viewing dating as a zero-sum game.

What is the "tender defender" concept in Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Combination of Traits: A man who embodies both kindness and assertiveness, making him attractive to women.
  • Protective Nature: Women are drawn to men who can protect them and provide a sense of safety.
  • Cultural Representation: This archetype is prevalent in media, where heroes display both strength and tenderness.

How does Mate: Become the Man Women Want define "social proof" and why is it important?

  • Definition of Social Proof: Refers to the influence of a man's social network and reputation on his attractiveness.
  • Impact on Attractiveness: Women often gauge a man's value based on his social connections.
  • Building Social Proof: Strategies include engaging in community activities and building meaningful relationships.

What are the five steps for getting your mating life together in Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Get Your Head Straight: Fix your mental framework regarding women and dating.
  • Develop Attractive Traits: Cultivate key traits like physical health and emotional intelligence.
  • Display Attractive Proofs: Show evidence of your value through actions and lifestyle.
  • Go Where the Women Are: Understand mating markets and seek environments aligned with your goals.
  • Take Action: Engage in dating, learn from experiences, and build a positive feedback cycle.

How can I improve my physical health according to Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Get Enough Sleep: Aim for 8-9 hours of quality sleep to enhance health and attractiveness.
  • Eat Better: Follow a diet that eliminates processed sugars and grains, focusing on whole foods.
  • Exercise Regularly: Engage in strength training and high-intensity workouts to improve fitness.

What does Mate: Become the Man Women Want say about mental health?

  • Importance of Mental Health: Good mental health is crucial for attraction; women are drawn to men who display happiness and resilience.
  • Self-Compassion Mindset: Cultivating self-compassion helps improve willpower and mental health.
  • Daily Practices: Incorporate mindfulness meditation, social engagement, and enjoyable activities.

How does Mate: Become the Man Women Want define intelligence in the context of attraction?

  • Multiple Forms of Intelligence: Includes social, emotional, verbal, practical, and mating intelligence.
  • Importance of Social Intelligence: Ability to read social cues and engage effectively is highly valued.
  • Verbal Intelligence Matters: Good communication skills and storytelling are crucial for successful interactions.

What is the "Platinum Rule" mentioned in Mate: Become the Man Women Want?

  • Treating Women Well: Treat women as they want to be treated, considering their preferences and desires.
  • Understanding Female Perspectives: Emphasizes empathy and awareness of women’s feelings and needs.
  • Building Stronger Connections: Fosters mutual respect and understanding, leading to more fulfilling relationships.

Review Summary

4.09 out of 5
Average of 1k+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Mate receives mostly positive reviews for its science-based approach to dating and self-improvement. Readers appreciate its insights into evolutionary psychology, practical advice, and emphasis on character development. Many find it refreshingly different from typical dating books, valuing its focus on understanding women's perspectives and becoming a well-rounded person. Some criticize parts of the nutritional advice and writing style. Overall, reviewers recommend it as a helpful resource for men seeking to improve their dating lives and personal growth.

Your rating:

About the Author

Tucker Max is a bestselling author known for his controversial "fratire" genre. His first book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, spent five years on the New York Times Best Seller list and sold over 2 million copies. Max has written two other bestsellers and co-produced a movie based on his life. He graduated from the University of Chicago and Duke Law School, where he attended on scholarship. Despite his academic background, Max gained notoriety for his party lifestyle and unconventional approach to education. He currently resides in Austin, Texas.

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