Life After Suicide

1. Suicide's Impact Extends Far Beyond the Individual

Suicide is the rare killer that fails to inspire celebrity PSAs, 5K fun runs, and shiny new university centers for study and treatment.

Ripple effect. Suicide doesn't just end a life; it shatters the lives of countless others. Family, friends, colleagues, and even acquaintances are left grappling with grief, guilt, confusion, and a host of other complex emotions. The impact can be long-lasting and far-reaching.

Community grief. The book highlights how entire communities can be affected by suicide, especially in close-knit settings like schools or workplaces. The shared sense of loss and the need to support one another become paramount in the aftermath. The author's experience with her husband's suicide becoming national news underscores the public dimension of this private tragedy.

Children's perspective. The book emphasizes the unique challenges faced by children who lose a parent to suicide. They may struggle with feelings of abandonment, self-blame, and a fear of being alone. The author's dedication to her children's well-being is a testament to the enduring power of parental love in the face of unimaginable loss.

2. Grief After Suicide is Uniquely Complex

As hard as death and grieving are, suicide makes them even harder, because it’s so stigmatized and is so often the result of clinical depression, i.e., a mental illness, which is also a stigma.

Layered emotions. Grieving a suicide is not the same as grieving other types of death. Survivors often experience a unique combination of emotions, including:

• Guilt: "What could I have done differently?"
• Blame: "Why did they do this to me?"
• Shame: "What will people think?"
• Confusion: "I don't understand why."

Stigma's impact. The stigma surrounding suicide can make it difficult for survivors to seek support or even talk about their loss. This can lead to isolation and further complicate the grieving process. The author's initial reluctance to discuss her husband's suicide publicly is a powerful example of this.

Unanswered questions. Suicide often leaves behind a trail of unanswered questions. Survivors may struggle to understand why their loved one chose to end their life, and the lack of closure can make it difficult to heal. The book emphasizes the importance of accepting that some questions may never be answered.

3. Openness and Honesty are Crucial for Healing

The only way to the other side of the pain is through it, not around it, so you have to just let yourself feel it and trust that someday it really will get better.

Facing the truth. The book underscores the importance of being honest about the cause of death, even when it's difficult. Avoiding the word "suicide" or trying to sugarcoat the truth can perpetuate stigma and hinder the healing process. The author's decision to speak openly about her husband's suicide, despite her initial reservations, is a powerful example of this.

Expressing emotions. Suppressing emotions can be detrimental to the grieving process. The book encourages survivors to express their feelings, whether through therapy, journaling, or talking to loved ones. The author's reliance on therapy and her willingness to share her story are testaments to the power of vulnerability.

Challenging stigma. By speaking openly about suicide, survivors can help to challenge the stigma surrounding mental illness and encourage others to seek help. The book highlights the importance of advocacy and education in creating a more compassionate and understanding society.

4. Finding Strength in Community and Shared Experience

I discovered that there’s a huge community of incredible, heroic suicide survivors, sadly growing by the day as suicide reaches epidemic proportions, who are more than willing to say to hell with the stigma, tell their stories, and open their hearts and their arms; and it was more empowering than I can describe to hear them say, and mean, “I know exactly what you’re feeling, and you’re not alone.”

Power of connection. The book emphasizes the importance of connecting with other suicide survivors. Sharing experiences and offering support can help to reduce feelings of isolation and validate the complex emotions that survivors often experience. The author's interactions with other survivors, both in person and through support groups, are a testament to the healing power of community.

Peer support. Hearing from others who have been through similar experiences can provide invaluable comfort and guidance. Survivors can offer practical advice, share coping strategies, and simply listen without judgment. The book highlights the importance of finding a safe space to share your story and connect with others who understand.

Organizations and resources. The book mentions several organizations that provide support and resources for suicide survivors, such as TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. These organizations offer a range of services, including support groups, educational materials, and advocacy opportunities.

5. Milestones Can Trigger Unexpected Grief

Dr. Simring had warned me that milestones were going to be painful, that they would dredge up memories whether I was ready for them or not and make Rob’s absence even more glaring than it already was.

Anniversaries and holidays. Special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can be particularly difficult for suicide survivors. These events often trigger memories of the deceased and highlight their absence. The author's experience with her husband's birthday and the one-year anniversary of his death underscores the emotional challenges of these milestones.

Life events. Significant life events, such as graduations, weddings, and the birth of children, can also be painful reminders of the deceased's absence. Survivors may struggle with the knowledge that their loved one will never be able to share in these important moments. The author's reflections on her daughter's Senior Day at school highlight the emotional complexities of these events.

Coping strategies. The book suggests several strategies for coping with milestone grief, including:

• Acknowledging the pain: Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise.
• Creating new traditions: Find ways to honor the deceased while celebrating the occasion.
• Seeking support: Connect with loved ones or a therapist for support.

6. Destigmatizing Mental Illness is Essential for Prevention

We need to get it in our heads that suicide is not easy, painless, cowardly, selfish, vengeful, self-masterful, or rash.

Breaking down barriers. Stigma prevents people from seeking help for mental health issues. By challenging negative stereotypes and promoting understanding, we can create a more supportive environment for those who are struggling. The book emphasizes the importance of education and awareness in reducing stigma.

Promoting help-seeking. Encouraging people to seek help for mental health issues is crucial for suicide prevention. The book highlights the importance of early intervention and access to affordable, quality mental healthcare. The author's advocacy for therapy and her willingness to share her own experiences are testaments to the power of seeking help.

Changing the narrative. We need to change the way we talk about suicide. Instead of focusing on blame or shame, we should focus on compassion, understanding, and hope. The book encourages readers to challenge negative stereotypes and promote a more nuanced understanding of mental illness and suicide.

7. There is Life, and Even Love, After Suicide

There really is life after suicide.

Moving forward. While the pain of loss may never completely disappear, it is possible to move forward and find meaning and joy in life again. The book emphasizes the importance of resilience and the ability to adapt to new circumstances. The author's journey toward healing and her eventual openness to new relationships are testaments to the power of hope.

New relationships. The book acknowledges that finding love again after suicide can be a complex and emotional process. Survivors may struggle with feelings of guilt, fear, or uncertainty. However, the book also emphasizes that it is possible to find happiness and companionship again. The author's experience with finding love after loss is a powerful example of this.

Honoring the past. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting the past. The book encourages survivors to find ways to honor the memory of their loved one while embracing new opportunities and experiences. The author's decision to keep photos of her husband in her home and to share stories about him with her children is a testament to the enduring power of love.

8. The Power of Choice: To Grieve, To Heal, To Live

The choice is yours.

Active participation. Healing from suicide is not a passive process. It requires active participation and a willingness to confront difficult emotions. The book emphasizes the importance of taking control of your own healing journey and making choices that support your well-being.

Setting boundaries. Survivors need to set boundaries with others to protect their emotional well-being. This may involve limiting contact with people who are unsupportive or avoiding situations that trigger painful memories. The book highlights the importance of self-care and prioritizing your own needs.

Finding agency. Suicide can leave survivors feeling powerless. The book encourages readers to find ways to reclaim their agency and take control of their lives. This may involve setting goals, pursuing new interests, or advocating for suicide prevention.

9. Finding Meaning and Purpose After Loss

I want to be that kind of friend.

Making a difference. Many suicide survivors find solace in helping others. This may involve volunteering, advocating for mental health awareness, or simply offering support to those who are struggling. The book highlights the importance of finding a sense of purpose and making a positive impact on the world.

Honoring the deceased. Survivors may find comfort in honoring the memory of their loved one. This may involve creating a memorial, sharing stories about them, or supporting causes that were important to them. The book emphasizes the importance of finding ways to keep the memory of the deceased alive.

Personal growth. While the experience of losing a loved one to suicide is undoubtedly painful, it can also lead to personal growth. Survivors may develop greater empathy, resilience, and a deeper appreciation for life. The book highlights the transformative power of grief and the potential for positive change.

10. The Importance of Self-Care and Seeking Help

You can’t let this destroy you.

Prioritizing well-being. Self-care is essential for suicide survivors. This may involve getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and engaging in activities that bring joy. The book emphasizes the importance of prioritizing your physical and emotional well-being.

Professional support. Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapists, counselors, and support groups can provide invaluable guidance and support during the grieving process. The book encourages readers to seek help when they need it and to not be afraid to ask for support.

Medication and treatment. The book acknowledges that medication and other forms of treatment may be necessary for some suicide survivors. It emphasizes the importance of working with a healthcare professional to determine the best course of treatment.

Last updated: February 26, 2025