Health and Safety

1. Navigating Modern Relationships: A Personal Breakdown

I sensed I was on the cusp of a change.

Shifting relationship dynamics. The book delves into the complexities of modern relationships, particularly the challenges faced by single women in the 21st century. It explores themes of loneliness, the search for connection, and the evolving expectations surrounding love and partnership.

The author's journey. The narrative follows the author's personal experiences with dating, relationships, and the struggle to find fulfillment in a world where traditional norms are increasingly questioned. This includes:

• The initial desire for a partner after a trip
• The complexities of open relationships
• The struggle to reconcile personal desires with societal expectations

A broader social commentary. Through the author's individual story, the book offers a broader commentary on the social conditions that shape modern relationships, including the impact of technology, changing gender roles, and the search for meaning in a rapidly evolving world.

2. The Allure and Peril of Altered Consciousness

Altered consciousness became a course of study.

Exploring psychoactive substances. The book explores the author's experimentation with various drugs, from antidepressants to psychedelics, as a means of altering consciousness and gaining new perspectives on life. It delves into the history, culture, and potential therapeutic uses of these substances.

A personal journey of experimentation. The author recounts her experiences with:

• Wellbutrin, an antidepressant that initially provided a sense of control and productivity
• DMT, ayahuasca, LSD, MDMA, mushrooms, and ketamine, each offering unique altered states
• The neoshamanic ayahuasca scenes and their cultural implications

Responsible drug use vs. addiction. The narrative grapples with the complexities of responsible drug use, the potential for addiction, and the ethical considerations surrounding cognitive freedom. It also touches on the dangers of "pharmacochauvinism" and the importance of avoiding judgment when it comes to different altered states.

3. Love, Loss, and the Search for Meaning

I no longer wanted to have sex with him, and he was beginning to hate me for it.

The complexities of love. The book explores the intoxicating highs and devastating lows of love, from the initial euphoria of a new relationship to the painful realities of heartbreak and disillusionment. It examines the challenges of maintaining intimacy, navigating conflicting desires, and finding meaning in the face of loss.

The author's relationship with Matt. The narrative details the author's relationship with Matt, a man deeply immersed in self-help practices, and the eventual realization that they were not intellectually aligned. This relationship highlights:

• The initial attraction and shared experiences
• The growing disconnect and lack of intellectual stimulation
• The eventual breakup and the author's sense of liberation

The search for meaning. Throughout the book, the author grapples with existential questions about the meaning of life, the nature of happiness, and the search for purpose in a world often characterized by alienation and uncertainty. This search leads her to explore various avenues, from drug experimentation to political activism, in an attempt to find something that resonates with her.

4. Bushwick: A Microcosm of Urban Change

Drugs in New York were class-specific consumer goods.

Gentrification and social stratification. The book uses the neighborhood of Bushwick, Brooklyn, as a microcosm to explore the complex dynamics of urban change, gentrification, and social stratification. It examines the tensions between long-time residents and newcomers, the impact of rising rents, and the changing cultural landscape.

Layers of Bushwick society. The narrative highlights the various layers of Bushwick society, including:

• The K2 and heroin users struggling with addiction
• The older shops and businesses serving the established community
• The influx of young professionals and artists driving gentrification

A sense of displacement. The author, as a relatively recent arrival to Bushwick, grapples with her own complicity in the gentrification process and the guilt of contributing to the displacement of long-time residents. This creates a sense of unease and a desire to find ways to connect with the community in a meaningful way.

5. Techno, Community, and the Pursuit of Authenticity

Strictly for the freaks.

The allure of the underground. The book delves into the world of underground techno parties and raves, exploring the sense of community, freedom, and self-expression that these events offer. It examines the music, fashion, and social dynamics of this subculture, as well as its roots in earlier eras of New York nightlife.

Sustain-Release. The narrative focuses on Sustain-Release, a three-day rave in the Catskills, as a prime example of this underground scene. It highlights:

• The emphasis on community and inclusivity
• The rejection of commercialism and corporate sponsorship
• The pursuit of authentic experiences and altered states of consciousness

The search for authenticity. The author grapples with the question of authenticity in a world increasingly dominated by artifice and consumerism. She seeks out experiences that feel genuine and meaningful, even if they are unconventional or transgressive.

6. Politics, Protests, and the Weight of History

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The rise of Trump and political polarization. The book explores the political climate in the United States during the Trump era, characterized by increasing polarization, social unrest, and a sense of impending crisis. It examines the rise of right-wing extremism, the erosion of democratic norms, and the challenges of finding effective forms of resistance.

The Women's March and subsequent protests. The narrative recounts the author's participation in the Women's March and other protests, highlighting the energy and enthusiasm of these events, as well as their limitations in achieving meaningful political change. It also touches on the challenges of navigating identity politics and finding common ground in a deeply divided society.

A sense of helplessness. The author expresses a growing sense of helplessness in the face of political and social challenges, leading her to question the effectiveness of traditional forms of activism and the role of the individual in a world seemingly spiraling out of control.

7. Berlin: Solitude, Self-Discovery, and Escape

Occasionally, my transgenderism excuses some of my cynicism through common associations of the ‘bitchy queen.’

Seeking refuge in Berlin. The book explores the author's recurring trips to Berlin as a means of escaping the pressures and anxieties of life in New York City. It examines the city's unique cultural landscape, its history of artistic and sexual freedom, and its appeal as a refuge for those seeking alternative ways of living.

A space for introspection. In Berlin, the author finds the space and solitude she needs to reflect on her life, her relationships, and her writing. She reconnects with old friends, explores the city's nightlife, and attempts to find a sense of clarity and direction.

The allure of obscurity. The narrative delves into the concept of "secrecy wave," a philosophy that advocates for a politics of refusal and a rejection of the constant self-promotion and exposure that characterize modern life. This philosophy resonates with the author's desire to find meaning and authenticity outside the confines of mainstream culture.

8. The Unraveling: Mental Health, Addiction, and Betrayal

At the beginning of every relationship you already know how it will end.

A descent into chaos. The book chronicles the unraveling of the author's relationship with Andrew, marked by his increasing mental instability, addiction, and betrayal. It explores the challenges of navigating a partner's mental health crisis, the complexities of codependency, and the devastating impact of abuse.

Andrew's transformation. The narrative details Andrew's descent into a state of heightened anger, paranoia, and delusion, fueled by drug use and a growing sense of alienation. This transformation leads to:

• Increased isolation and withdrawal from the world
• Irrational outbursts of anger and cruelty
• A complete breakdown of communication and trust

The author's struggle to cope. The author grapples with the impossible task of trying to help Andrew while also protecting herself from his increasingly erratic behavior. She experiences a range of emotions, from sympathy and compassion to fear and despair, as she witnesses the disintegration of the person she loved.

9. Bearing Witness: Journalism, Trauma, and the Search for Truth

I had to be lucid, and I had to write because I didn’t have my own family and if I didn’t write I would have nothing to show for my life.

The burden of witnessing. The book explores the challenges of being a journalist in a world saturated with violence, injustice, and misinformation. It examines the emotional toll of bearing witness to human suffering, the ethical dilemmas of reporting on trauma, and the struggle to maintain objectivity in a highly polarized environment.

The author's professional life. The narrative recounts the author's experiences covering various events, including:

• The Parkland school shooting and the subsequent student-led movement
• The Trump rallies and the rise of right-wing extremism
• The protests in Minneapolis following the murder of George Floyd

The search for truth. The author grapples with the difficulty of finding truth and meaning in a world where facts are often contested and narratives are manipulated. She questions the role of journalism in shaping public opinion and the responsibility of writers to bear witness to the complexities of the human experience.

10. Finding a Way Forward: Acceptance, Loss, and the Uncertain Future

I have fallen terribly in love, which can only lead to great hurt.

The aftermath of the breakup. The book concludes with the author grappling with the aftermath of her breakup with Andrew, attempting to make sense of what happened and find a way forward. It explores themes of acceptance, loss, and the uncertain future.

Rebuilding a life. The narrative details the author's efforts to rebuild her life, including:

• Finding a new place to live
• Reconnecting with friends and family
• Re-evaluating her priorities and goals

A glimmer of hope. Despite the pain and disillusionment she has experienced, the author finds a glimmer of hope in the possibility of new beginnings and the enduring power of human connection. She embraces the uncertainty of the future, knowing that even in the darkest of times, there is always the potential for growth and transformation.

Last updated: March 10, 2025