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Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday

Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday

And Other Advice on Love, Sex, and Dating
by Nick Viall 2022 224 pages
3.64
2k+ ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Be honest with yourself and others about your expectations

No one will lie to you more than you will lie to yourself.

Self-honesty is crucial. Being truthful about your desires, intentions, and expectations in relationships is fundamental to building healthy connections. This honesty extends to both introspection and communication with potential partners.

Benefits of self-honesty:

  • Clearer understanding of what you want
  • Reduced disappointment and misunderstandings
  • Increased likelihood of finding compatible partners

Communicate expectations early. Openly discussing your relationship goals, boundaries, and expectations from the start helps avoid misalignments and future heartache.

Key areas to be honest about:

  • Desired level of commitment
  • Views on exclusivity
  • Long-term relationship goals
  • Deal-breakers and non-negotiables

2. Focus on finding the right person, not many people

Remember that you're only looking for one, not many.

Quality over quantity. In the age of dating apps and endless options, it's easy to fall into the trap of continuously seeking new connections. However, the goal should be finding a compatible, long-term partner rather than accumulating numerous shallow relationships.

Shift your mindset:

  • Treat dating as a process of learning and self-discovery
  • Focus on building meaningful connections rather than maximizing matches
  • Be patient and selective in your choices

Invest time wisely. Building a strong relationship takes effort and dedication. Instead of spreading yourself thin across multiple casual encounters, channel your energy into nurturing promising connections.

Ways to invest in potential relationships:

  • Engage in deep, meaningful conversations
  • Create shared experiences and memories
  • Be vulnerable and open about your feelings and aspirations

3. Set and enforce clear boundaries in relationships

A boundary is only as good as its enforcement.

Boundaries protect your well-being. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is essential for healthy relationships. These limits define what you're comfortable with and help prevent mistreatment or exploitation.

Types of boundaries to consider:

  • Emotional (e.g., level of intimacy, sharing personal information)
  • Physical (e.g., personal space, physical touch)
  • Time and energy (e.g., how much you're willing to invest in the relationship)

Enforce boundaries consistently. Setting boundaries is only the first step; you must also be prepared to enforce them. This often requires difficult conversations and sometimes walking away from situations that violate your limits.

Steps to enforce boundaries:

  1. Clearly communicate your boundaries
  2. Explain the consequences of crossing them
  3. Follow through with those consequences if necessary
  4. Reassess and adjust boundaries as needed

4. Understand the difference between chemistry and compatibility

Chemistry is a part of falling in love, but it's just one of many factors.

Chemistry isn't everything. While initial attraction and excitement are important, they don't guarantee a successful long-term relationship. True compatibility involves shared values, goals, and lifestyles.

Components of compatibility:

  • Shared values and life goals
  • Communication styles
  • Conflict resolution skills
  • Emotional intelligence

Look beyond the spark. Don't mistake intense chemistry for deep compatibility. Take the time to truly get to know potential partners and assess how well you align on fundamental levels.

Questions to assess compatibility:

  • Do we have similar long-term goals?
  • How do we handle conflicts and disagreements?
  • Are our lifestyles and priorities compatible?
  • Do we share similar values and beliefs?

5. Learn to recognize and avoid toxic relationships

If you're in a relationship that makes you more sad than happy, or more anxious than content, feel more broken than loved, and you've exhausted all healthy forms of trying to fix it, then you're in a toxic relationship.

Identify red flags early. Toxic relationships often start subtly but can cause significant emotional damage over time. Learning to recognize warning signs can help you avoid or exit harmful situations.

Common signs of toxic relationships:

  • Constant criticism or belittling
  • Lack of respect for boundaries
  • Manipulative behavior
  • Excessive jealousy or control
  • Frequent lying or deceit

Prioritize your well-being. If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, remember that you deserve better. Don't stay out of fear or misplaced loyalty.

Steps to exit a toxic relationship:

  1. Acknowledge the toxicity
  2. Seek support from friends, family, or professionals
  3. Create a safety plan if necessary
  4. Cut contact and focus on healing

6. Communicate openly to define your relationship

Creating clarity by defining where you both are is important at all stages of a relationship.

Clarity prevents confusion. Open communication about the status and expectations of your relationship helps avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Don't assume you're on the same page without discussing it.

Key moments to define the relationship:

  • After several successful dates
  • When feelings start to deepen
  • Before becoming physically intimate
  • When considering major life changes (e.g., moving in together)

Be direct and honest. When having these conversations, be clear about your own feelings and expectations. Ask direct questions and be prepared to listen to your partner's perspective.

Questions to ask when defining the relationship:

  • Are we exclusive?
  • What are our long-term goals for this relationship?
  • How do we see our relationship evolving?
  • What expectations do we have for each other?

7. Know when to end a relationship and how to move on

Staying in a relationship where you spend a lot of time hoping for lots of things to happen is not a good place to be.

Recognize when it's time to let go. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Learning to identify when a relationship has run its course is crucial for your emotional well-being and personal growth.

Signs it might be time to end a relationship:

  • Constant conflict or unhappiness
  • Lack of trust or respect
  • Misaligned values or life goals
  • Feeling unfulfilled or taken for granted

Move on gracefully. Once you've decided to end a relationship, focus on healing and personal growth rather than dwelling on the past.

Steps for moving on:

  1. Cut contact and remove reminders of the relationship
  2. Allow yourself to grieve the loss
  3. Focus on self-care and personal interests
  4. Reflect on lessons learned from the relationship
  5. When ready, be open to new connections

8. Don't rush into moving in together

There are only two good reasons a couple should move in together.

Cohabitation is a big step. Moving in together should be a carefully considered decision, not a hasty choice based on convenience or financial reasons. It can significantly impact your relationship and individual lives.

Valid reasons to move in together:

  1. You're married or engaged
  2. You're in a committed relationship and both enthusiastic about taking this step

Avoid common pitfalls. Many couples move in together for the wrong reasons, which can lead to relationship strain and resentment.

Reasons not to move in together:

  • To test the relationship
  • Financial convenience
  • Pressure from a partner or others
  • To fix relationship problems

9. Embrace being single and work on self-improvement

Getting comfortable with being single was not an easy concept for me, not at first.

Single life has value. Being comfortable with singlehood allows you to focus on personal growth and avoid settling for unsatisfying relationships out of fear of being alone.

Benefits of embracing single life:

  • Time for self-discovery and personal development
  • Freedom to pursue individual goals and interests
  • Opportunity to build strong friendships and support networks
  • Clarity about what you want in future relationships

Invest in yourself. Use your time as a single person to become the best version of yourself, both for your own sake and to prepare for future relationships.

Self-improvement activities:

  • Pursue education or career goals
  • Develop new hobbies and skills
  • Work on emotional intelligence and self-awareness
  • Improve physical and mental health

10. Practice gratitude in relationships, not just hope

Gratitude is feeling thankful for what someone has given you when they are expecting nothing in return.

Appreciate what you have. Focusing on gratitude in relationships helps maintain a positive perspective and strengthens your connection. It's easy to take partners for granted or focus on what's lacking, but actively practicing gratitude can transform your relationship.

Ways to practice gratitude in relationships:

  • Regularly express appreciation for your partner's actions and qualities
  • Keep a gratitude journal focused on your relationship
  • Reflect on how your partner has positively impacted your life

Balance gratitude and growth. While it's important to appreciate what you have, it's also healthy to have hopes for your relationship's future. The key is finding a balance between contentment and aspiration.

Healthy relationship mindset:

  • Grateful for present positive aspects
  • Hopeful for continued growth and improvement
  • Realistic about challenges and imperfections

Last updated:

FAQ

What's "Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday" about?

  • Focus on self-awareness: The book is about understanding yourself and your choices in love, sex, and dating, rather than trying to understand others.
  • Control what you can: It emphasizes controlling the aspects of your life you can, maintaining your power, and not wasting mental energy on things you can't control.
  • Author's perspective: Nick Viall shares his personal experiences and insights from his dating history, offering advice that many find helpful and relatable.
  • Honesty and empowerment: The book encourages honesty with oneself to achieve desired outcomes in relationships and avoid unnecessary self-doubt.

Why should I read "Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday"?

  • Relatable advice: Nick Viall provides practical advice based on his own experiences, making it relatable for anyone navigating the complexities of modern dating.
  • Self-improvement focus: The book emphasizes self-awareness and personal growth, helping readers make better choices in their love lives.
  • Empowerment through honesty: It encourages readers to be honest with themselves and others, leading to more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
  • Avoid common pitfalls: The book offers insights into avoiding common dating mistakes, such as falling for "fuckboys" or staying in toxic relationships.

What are the key takeaways of "Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday"?

  • Understand your "picker": Learn to refine your ability to choose partners wisely, avoiding those who aren't genuinely interested in you.
  • Set boundaries and expectations: Clearly define what you want in a relationship and communicate it to avoid misunderstandings and disappointment.
  • Embrace being single: Being single is not a failure; it's an opportunity for self-discovery and growth, preparing you for a healthier relationship in the future.
  • Rejection is clarity: View rejection as a way to gain clarity about what you truly want and deserve in a relationship, rather than a personal failure.

What is a "picker" according to Nick Viall?

  • Definition: A "picker" is the part of your brain that evaluates who you are going to date and invest time in.
  • Training your picker: Like a muscle, your picker needs to be trained to make better choices in partners, avoiding those who are not genuinely interested.
  • Avoiding bad choices: A well-trained picker helps you avoid "fuckboys" and players, saving you time and emotional energy.
  • Self-improvement: Improving your picker is about focusing on your choices and decisions, rather than blaming others for bad dating experiences.

How does Nick Viall define a "fuckboy"?

  • State of mind: A "fuckboy" is someone who is not genuinely interested in a committed relationship and often receives more affection than they give.
  • Lack of communication: They are typically bad at establishing expectations with partners, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
  • Not inherently bad: Fuckboys are not necessarily bad people; they just aren't interested in a serious relationship with you.
  • Recognizing the signs: Identifying a fuckboy involves noticing inconsistent behavior, lack of planning, and excuses for not wanting a relationship.

What advice does Nick Viall give for setting boundaries in relationships?

  • Define expectations early: Clearly communicate what you want from the relationship to avoid misunderstandings and disappointment.
  • Enforce your boundaries: Once you've set boundaries, be prepared to enforce them, even if it means walking away from the relationship.
  • Be honest with yourself: Understand your own needs and desires, and don't compromise on them for the sake of the relationship.
  • Communicate openly: Regularly discuss your boundaries and expectations with your partner to ensure you're on the same page.

What does Nick Viall say about the concept of "love at first sight"?

  • Myth of instant love: Viall argues that "love at first sight" is a myth, as real love takes time to develop and requires a deep understanding of the other person.
  • Lust vs. love: Initial attraction is often mistaken for love, but true love involves accepting each other's flaws and building a strong emotional connection.
  • Time and effort: Real love requires time, effort, and a willingness to work through challenges together.
  • Avoiding unrealistic expectations: By understanding that love takes time, you can avoid putting undue pressure on new relationships.

How does Nick Viall suggest handling a breakup?

  • Avoid cheat days: Stop giving yourself excuses to contact your ex, as it only prolongs the healing process.
  • Block them: Remove your ex from your life, including social media, to focus on your own healing and growth.
  • Don't romanticize the past: Be honest about the relationship's flaws and focus on the present rather than idealizing the past.
  • Embrace being single: Use the time after a breakup for self-reflection and personal growth, preparing for a healthier future relationship.

What are the "Nine Big Concepts" in "Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday"?

  • Looking for one, not many: Focus on finding the right person for you, rather than trying to please everyone.
  • Set expectations and boundaries: Clearly define what you want in a relationship and communicate it to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Be honest: Honesty with yourself and others is crucial for building authentic and fulfilling relationships.
  • Grateful over hopeful: Focus on gratitude for what you have in a relationship, rather than hoping for things to change.

What does Nick Viall say about the importance of being single?

  • Self-discovery opportunity: Being single allows you to focus on personal growth and self-discovery, preparing you for a healthier relationship in the future.
  • Freedom and independence: Enjoy the freedom to pursue your interests and goals without the compromises that come with a relationship.
  • Avoid settling: Being comfortable with being single helps you avoid settling for a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.
  • Embrace the journey: View being single as a valuable part of your journey to finding the right partner, rather than a failure.

What are the best quotes from "Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday" and what do they mean?

  • "No one will lie to you more than you will lie to yourself." This emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and honesty in understanding your own feelings and choices.
  • "Rejection isn’t failure, it’s clarity." This quote encourages viewing rejection as a way to gain clarity about what you truly want and deserve in a relationship.
  • "Being single isn’t bad." This statement highlights the value of being single as a time for self-discovery and growth, rather than a negative state to be avoided.
  • "Stop giving yourself cheat days." This advice is about avoiding excuses to contact an ex, which only prolongs the healing process after a breakup.

How does Nick Viall suggest dealing with hookup culture?

  • Understand what it is: Hookup culture involves sex without an established emotional connection, and it's important to recognize this to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Set expectations and boundaries: Clearly communicate your intentions and expectations before engaging in casual sex to avoid hurt feelings.
  • Respect the power of sex: Even in casual situations, sex can have significant emotional consequences, so it's important to approach it with care.
  • Have sex for the right reasons: Engage in casual sex because you want to, not because of how you feel about someone else or to fulfill their expectations.

Review Summary

3.64 out of 5
Average of 2k+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday received mixed reviews, with an average rating of 3.65 out of 5. Many readers appreciated Nick Viall's blunt dating advice and found it insightful, especially for navigating modern relationships. Some praised the book's honesty and relatability, while others criticized it as repetitive or elementary. Fans of Viall's podcast generally enjoyed the book, but some readers felt it lacked depth or personal anecdotes. Several reviewers noted editing issues. Overall, opinions varied widely, with some finding it helpful and others dismissing it as unnecessary.

Your rating:

About the Author

Nick Viall is a former contestant on multiple seasons of The Bachelor franchise, including two appearances on The Bachelorette and one on Bachelor in Paradise. He has since become a popular podcaster, hosting "The Viall Files" where he offers relationship advice. Viall's experiences on reality TV and his subsequent transition into a relationship guru have made him a well-known figure in the dating advice sphere. Despite lacking formal credentials in psychology or counseling, Viall has gained a following for his straightforward approach to relationship issues. His book aims to provide guidance on modern dating, drawing from his personal experiences and insights gained from his podcast.

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