A Well-Trained Wife

1. Fundamentalist Faith Can Sanction Suffering

The church sanctioned my suffering.

Faith as a Justification. The author's experiences highlight how fundamentalist religious beliefs can be used to justify and even encourage suffering, particularly for women. The church's emphasis on submission, obedience, and enduring hardship can create an environment where abuse is not only tolerated but also seen as a path to spiritual growth.

• The author was told to submit more, go to church more, and turn the other cheek, rather than seek help for the abuse she was experiencing.
• Divorce was not allowed, and doctors were refused, further trapping her in a cycle of suffering.
• The church's focus on spiritual warfare and demonic influence led to a dismissal of mental health issues and a reinforcement of the idea that suffering was a sign of spiritual truth.

Silencing Voices. This environment often silences the voices of those who are suffering, particularly women, who are taught to prioritize the needs and desires of men over their own. The author notes that she stands with a "choir of invisible fundamentalist women, too silenced to tell their stories themselves." This silencing perpetuates the cycle of abuse and prevents victims from seeking help.

Internalized Oppression. The author internalizes these messages, blaming herself for her suffering and believing that she is a "shit wife, a shit housekeeper, and a shit mother." This internalized oppression makes it even more difficult for her to break free from the cycle of abuse and seek help.

2. Belonging Can Be a Powerful Motivator

We were sitting in our living room around the TV—Dad, Mom, me, and my younger sister, Monica. My mom wanted us to go to church like when she grew up. She said it would help us settle in better, adjust to Florida.

Seeking Community. The author's family's move to Florida and their subsequent involvement with First Baptist Church illustrates the powerful human need for belonging. The church offered a sense of community, stability, and hope in a new and unfamiliar environment.

• The church promised to comfort the vulnerable and soothe the grieving, appealing to the family's need for support during a difficult transition.
• The church's emphasis on family values and raising children in a Christian home resonated with the author's mother, who sought to recreate the sense of community she had experienced in her own childhood.
• The church's large size and impressive facilities made it seem like a desirable place to belong, offering a sense of status and social connection.

Conformity and Acceptance. The desire to belong can lead individuals to conform to the norms and expectations of a group, even if those norms are harmful or oppressive. The author initially tries to fit in at church, suppressing her own feelings and desires in order to gain acceptance.

• She learns that church makes her mother happy, and that a happy mother makes her father happy, and that happy parents make her sister happy.
• She realizes that the power to make them all happy is hers, and she can wield it by swallowing it down and cooperating.
• She tries to ignore the stares of the rich children and the fact that she is different, and she tries to make friends with the other new girl, Hannah.

The Dark Side of Belonging. The author's experiences also reveal the dark side of belonging, as the desire to fit in can lead to the suppression of individuality and the acceptance of harmful beliefs and practices. The church's emphasis on conformity and obedience ultimately contributes to the author's suffering and her inability to break free from her abusive marriage.

3. Rules Can Offer a False Sense of Security

The rules were salvation.

Rules as a Framework. The author's life is governed by a complex set of rules, both explicit and implicit, that are presented as a path to salvation and happiness. These rules cover everything from clothing and behavior to relationships and family size.

• The author learns that good Christian girls wear modest clothing, protect their purity, and sit like ladies.
• She is taught that smiling children who get in line make parents, and God, happy.
• She is told that having more babies advances a mothering career, the highest calling a woman has.

The Illusion of Control. These rules offer a false sense of security, creating the illusion that by following them, individuals can control their lives and avoid suffering. The author initially embraces these rules, believing that they will lead to a happy and fulfilling life.

• She believes that by following the rules, she can be less of a sinner and therefore more worthy of God's love and blessings.
• She believes that by cooperating, she can make her parents happy, and that this will lead to a better life for her.
• She believes that by following the rules, she can find a good husband and have a happy family.

The Limits of Rules. However, the author's experiences reveal the limitations of rules, as they fail to protect her from suffering and ultimately contribute to her oppression. The rules become a cage, trapping her in a cycle of abuse and preventing her from seeking help.

• She learns that even when she follows the rules, she still experiences pain and suffering.
• She realizes that the rules are often arbitrary and contradictory, and that they are used to control and manipulate her.
• She begins to question the rules and to seek her own path to happiness and fulfillment.

4. Fear Can Be a Tool for Control

Fear was our vaccine against hell, science, and abortion.

Fear as a Motivator. The author's experiences highlight how fear can be used as a powerful tool for control, particularly in fundamentalist religious settings. The church uses fear of hell, the rapture, and the Antichrist to manipulate its members and ensure their obedience.

• The author is shown graphic images of hell and told that she will burn there if she does not follow the rules.
• She is taught that Jesus is coming to steal them like a thief in the night, creating a constant sense of anxiety and fear.
• She is shown movies depicting the horrors of abortion and told that liberals want to kill babies, creating a sense of moral panic.

Internalized Fear. This fear is internalized, leading the author to constantly worry about her salvation and the safety of her family. She becomes obsessed with following the rules and avoiding sin, driven by a desire to escape the horrors she has been taught to fear.

• She prays the Sinner's Prayer repeatedly, hoping to ensure her salvation.
• She develops a rapture drill, planning how to survive the end times.
• She becomes afraid of science, movies, and other forms of secular culture, believing that they are tools of the devil.

The Limits of Fear. However, the author's experiences also reveal the limitations of fear as a motivator. While fear can be effective in controlling behavior, it cannot create genuine faith or love. The author's fear-based faith ultimately fails to provide her with comfort or security, and she begins to seek a different path.

5. Free Will Can Lead to Unexpected Paths

Sometimes, God gives you a chance to go your own way and see what happens. It’s called free will—a test to see what you’ll choose.

The Allure of Choice. The author's experiences highlight the tension between the desire for free will and the pressure to conform to religious dogma. She is taught that free will is a test, a chance to choose between God's will and the temptations of the world.

• She is told that in adolescence, kids either go right, or they go wrong—against what God wanted.
• She is taught that if she doesn't submit, God will teach her a lesson.
• She is told that even people in hell can pray, although it might not do them any good.

The Power of Rebellion. However, the author's experiences also reveal the power of rebellion, as her desire for autonomy and self-expression leads her to explore paths outside of the church's control. She finds solace in art, literature, and friendships that challenge the rigid rules she has been taught.

• She finds a friend in Marci, who is not afraid of hell or the rapture, and who encourages her to be sarcastic and bold.
• She discovers heroines in books who have voices and opinions, and who are brave on the inside and behave only enough on the outside.
• She begins to question the rules and to seek her own path to happiness and fulfillment.

The Consequences of Choice. The author's choices often lead to conflict and suffering, as she struggles to reconcile her desire for freedom with the expectations of her family and church. However, her experiences also reveal the importance of making choices that are true to oneself, even if those choices are difficult or unpopular.

6. Love Can Be a Form of Control

You’re the girl I’ve been waiting for, Tia. You’re better than the other girls. You’re different.

Love as a Tool. The author's experiences reveal how love can be used as a tool for control, particularly in relationships where power dynamics are unequal. Allan uses declarations of love and affection to manipulate the author and to justify his controlling behavior.

• He tells her that she is the girl he has been waiting for, that she is better than other girls, and that she is different.
• He tells her that he doesn't believe in divorce and that he wants one wife for life, creating a sense of obligation and commitment.
• He tells her that she is his "good thing" and his "cookie jar," objectifying her and reducing her to a source of pleasure and satisfaction.

Conditional Love. This love is conditional, dependent on the author's obedience and submission. When she fails to meet his expectations, he becomes angry and abusive, using fear and intimidation to regain control.

• He accuses her of leading other men on and calls her a slut.
• He tells her that she is under Michael's influence and that she can't see him anymore.
• He tells her that she has to be available to him at all times and that she can't say no to sex.

The Illusion of Romance. The author initially believes that Allan's declarations of love are genuine, but she eventually realizes that they are a form of manipulation. She learns that true love is not about control or obligation, but about respect, equality, and mutual support.

7. Obedience Can Mask Abuse

I knew I could learn to love God’s plan.

Obedience as a Virtue. The author's experiences highlight how obedience can be used to mask abuse, particularly in religious settings where submission to authority is highly valued. She is taught that obedience to God and her husband is a virtue, and that it will lead to happiness and fulfillment.

• She is taught that wives belong to their husbands and that it is their duty to be available to them at all times.
• She is taught that there is no such thing as rape in marriage and that if a husband has to force his wife, she is disobeying.
• She is taught that wives should not offer advice to their husbands because it implies self-sufficiency.

The Dangers of Blind Obedience. This emphasis on obedience leads the author to ignore her own feelings and needs, and to accept abusive behavior as a normal part of marriage. She becomes increasingly isolated and powerless, unable to challenge the authority of her husband or the church.

• She tries to convince herself that she loves Allan and that she can learn to love God's plan.
• She tries to anticipate his needs and to avoid doing anything that might upset him.
• She tries to be a submissive wife, even when it means sacrificing her own well-being.

The Limits of Obedience. However, the author's experiences also reveal the limits of obedience, as it fails to protect her from suffering and ultimately contributes to her oppression. She learns that true faith is not about blind obedience, but about critical thinking, self-awareness, and the pursuit of justice.

8. Truth Can Be Found Outside of Doctrine

Belief is a choice. Feelings lie. I could choose my way to Jesus.

Questioning Authority. The author's experiences highlight the importance of questioning authority and seeking truth outside of established doctrines. She begins to realize that the rules and beliefs she has been taught are not always true, and that there are other ways to understand the world.

• She begins to question the church's teachings on homosexuality, abortion, and the role of women.
• She begins to read books and explore ideas that challenge her beliefs.
• She begins to connect with people who have different perspectives and experiences.

The Power of Experience. The author's experiences also reveal the power of personal experience in shaping one's understanding of truth. She learns that her own feelings and intuition are valid sources of knowledge, and that she does not have to rely solely on the teachings of others.

• She realizes that her own experiences of love, loss, and suffering are just as valid as the experiences of others.
• She begins to trust her own judgment and to make choices that are true to herself.
• She begins to find her own path to faith and fulfillment.

The Importance of Openness. The author's journey highlights the importance of openness to new ideas and perspectives. By being willing to question her beliefs and to explore different paths, she is able to break free from the limitations of her upbringing and to create a life that is more authentic and fulfilling.

9. Freedom Requires Reckoning with Reality

Maybe there wasn’t a savior coming. Maybe it was up to me to save me.

The Illusion of Rescue. The author's experiences reveal the limitations of relying on external forces for salvation or rescue. She initially believes that God will save her from her suffering, but she eventually realizes that she must take responsibility for her own life.

• She realizes that the church is not going to protect her from abuse and that she must find her own way out.
• She realizes that her husband is not going to change and that she must take steps to protect herself and her children.
• She realizes that there is no savior coming and that she must save herself.

Taking Responsibility. This realization is empowering, as it allows the author to take control of her life and to make choices that are aligned with her own values and desires. She begins to see herself as an agent of change, rather than a passive victim of circumstance.

• She decides to leave her abusive marriage, even though it is difficult and dangerous.
• She decides to create a new life for herself and her children, even though it is uncertain and challenging.
• She decides to embrace her own power and to use her voice to speak out against injustice.

The Importance of Action. The author's journey highlights the importance of taking action in the face of adversity. She learns that freedom is not something that is given, but something that must be earned through courage, resilience, and a willingness to challenge the status quo.

10. Healing Requires Naming the Pain

I was a thirty-three-year-old hag, wrinkled, sallow-cheeked, and plain. So much older than my years.

The Power of Language. The author's experiences reveal the importance of naming the pain and trauma that she has experienced. By finding the words to describe her suffering, she is able to begin the process of healing and recovery.

• She learns to call her experiences "rape," "abuse," and "control," rather than minimizing or denying them.
• She learns to identify the patterns of abuse and to recognize the ways in which she has been manipulated and controlled.
• She learns to express her anger and her grief, rather than suppressing them.

The Importance of Self-Compassion. This process of naming the pain is often difficult and painful, but it is also essential for healing. The author learns to be compassionate with herself, recognizing that she is not to blame for the abuse she has experienced.

• She learns to forgive herself for the choices she has made and to accept her imperfections.
• She learns to value her own feelings and needs, and to prioritize her own well-being.
• She learns to see herself as a survivor, rather than a victim.

The Journey of Healing. The author's journey highlights the long and difficult process of healing from trauma. She learns that healing is not a linear process, and that there will be setbacks and challenges along the way. However, she also learns that healing is possible, and that it is worth the effort.

Last updated: February 3, 2025