8 Secrets to Raising Successful Kids

1. Start with the End in Mind: Define Success Early

It’s impossible to raise a successful kid if you don’t know what your end goal is.

Envision the Future. Before diving into the daily grind of parenting, take a moment to envision the kind of adult you hope your child will become. This isn't about career aspirations or material wealth, but about character traits, values, and attitudes. What qualities do you want them to possess? Are they kind, honest, resilient, and responsible?

Qualities to Consider:

• Honesty and integrity
• Kindness and empathy
• Patience and perseverance
• Responsibility and accountability
• A healthy self-image

The "Who," Not the "What." Focus on the "who" rather than the "what." It's more important that your child is a good person than that they have a prestigious job. By defining these core values early, you create a guiding star for your parenting decisions. This vision will help you navigate the challenges and stay focused on what truly matters.

2. Expect the Best, Get the Best: The Power of Positive Expectations

If you want to unleash your child’s potential and motivate her toward such success, expect the best and you’ll get the best.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. What you expect from your child often shapes their behavior. If you believe in their potential and communicate high expectations, they are more likely to rise to the occasion. This doesn't mean putting undue pressure on them, but rather fostering a belief in their abilities.

Four Foundations for Life Success:

• Character
• Behavior
• Respect
• A Winning Attitude

Michelle Obama's Example. Michelle Obama's parents, despite their humble circumstances, instilled in her a belief that she could achieve anything. Their unwavering support and high expectations played a significant role in her success. By focusing on what they could do, rather than what they lacked, they created an environment where their children thrived.

3. Give Respect to Receive Respect: It's a Two-Way Street

Respect is a two-way street. You have to give it to get it.

Respect is Earned, Not Demanded. Children are more likely to respect you if they feel respected by you. This means listening to their opinions, valuing their thoughts, and treating them with courtesy, even when you disagree. Avoid dictatorial pronouncements and instead engage in open dialogue.

Questions to Consider:

• Do you do what you say you'll do?
• Are you fair and open-minded?
• Do you actively seek their ideas?
• Do you allow them to make their own decisions?

Building a Relationship of Mutual Respect. Respect is a relationship that's built from your earliest interactions onward. It’s one in which you take into consideration the feelings, thoughts, and wishes of others. Yes, you may be quite different from that person, but you see their admirable qualities and appreciate their achievements.

4. Model the Behavior You Seek: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.

Be the Change You Want to See. Children are keen observers, and they learn more from your actions than from your words. If you want your child to be honest, kind, and disciplined, you must embody those qualities yourself. Hypocrisy undermines your authority and sends a confusing message.

Consistency is Key. It's not enough to occasionally display the desired behavior; you must consistently live it out in your daily life. This includes:

• Finishing tasks you start
• Being thoughtful of others
• Remaining patient in challenging situations

Walk the Talk. If you want your child to be diligent in finishing their tasks, then finish cleaning out the closet you started on two weeks ago. If you want him to be thoughtful of others, you be thoughtful. When he has a big test coming up, write a note saying, “You can do it!” Then add a smiley face and tuck it into his backpack as a surprise. When a neighbor’s daughter is injured, bring the family a meal.

5. Discipline with Reality, Not Punishment: Let Consequences Teach

Behavior only continues if it works.

Discipline vs. Punishment. Discipline is about teaching and guiding, while punishment is about inflicting pain or suffering. Discipline focuses on long-term character development, while punishment is a short-term reaction to a specific behavior.

The Power of Natural Consequences. Allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their actions. If they forget to turn in their homework, they get a bad grade. If they have a fight with their sister, she may not drive them to the mall. These experiences are powerful teachers.

Example of Reality Discipline:

• Forget to turn in homework? Then you’ll get a bad grade.
• Have a fight with your sister? Don’t be surprised if she won’t drive you to the mall the next day.
• Leave your bike out in the rain? You might need to do a lot of scrubbing to get the rust off the chain.

Avoid Rescuing. Resist the urge to rescue your child from the consequences of their choices. This deprives them of valuable learning opportunities and sends the message that they are not capable of handling their own problems.

6. Stay the Course: Consistency is Key to Long-Term Success

You cannot tailor-make the situations in life, but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations.

Commitment to the Process. Raising successful children is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be ups and downs, setbacks and triumphs. The key is to remain committed to the process, even when it's difficult.

Six "Must" Principles for Sane Parents:

1. Hold your child responsible and accountable for their choices.
2. Don't give away your authority cookie.
3. Let reality discipline do the talking.
4. Stick to your guns, but don't shoot yourself in the foot.
5. Use this powerful two-letter word often: "NO."
6. Be patient. All good things take time.

The Power of a Winning Attitude. A positive attitude is essential for navigating the challenges of parenting. Focus on the long-term goals, celebrate small victories, and maintain a sense of humor.

7. Minimize Friction, Optimize Solutions: Understanding Your Child's Perspective

When kids see themselves as worthy of respect and useful, they have no need for negative, self-destructive, or attention-getting patterns.

Empathy and Understanding. To effectively guide your child, you must first understand their perspective. This means actively listening to their concerns, validating their feelings, and trying to see the world through their eyes.

The Importance of Individuality. Each child is unique, with their own strengths, weaknesses, and interests. Avoid treating them all the same and instead tailor your approach to their individual needs.

Practical Solutions for Minimizing Friction:

• Ask yourself, "What will I do differently this time?"
• Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• Don't ask questions.
• Act, don't react.
• Learn how to deflect arguments.
• Ask for their input.

8. Relationship First, Always: Prioritize Connection Over Control

They don’t care what you know until they know that you care.

Connection Over Correction. While discipline and guidance are important, they should never come at the expense of your relationship with your child. Prioritize connection and understanding, and your child will be more receptive to your influence.

The Power of Presence. Be present in your child's life, both physically and emotionally. This means:

• Showing up at their events
• Listening to their concerns
• Engaging in activities they enjoy

Unconditional Love. Let your child know that your love is not contingent on their achievements or behavior. This provides a secure base from which they can explore the world and take risks.

Last updated: February 27, 2025