Wired for Dating

1. Understand the Psychobiology of Attraction and Dating

Love's neurochemical cocktail includes testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, noradrenaline, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin.

Chemical intoxication. When you meet someone appealing, your brain releases a potent mix of neurochemicals that create feelings of excitement, attentiveness, and anxiety. This "love cocktail" includes hormones like testosterone and estrogen, as well as neurotransmitters such as dopamine, noradrenaline, and serotonin. These chemicals drive the initial stages of attraction and infatuation.

Visual and familiar cues. Your brain's visual systems play a crucial role in attraction. The far visual system, tied to more primitive brain areas, picks up broad physical characteristics and movements, while the near visual system allows for more detailed observations. Additionally, we tend to be attracted to people who feel familiar, often reminiscent of important figures from our past.

Key neurochemicals in attraction:

• Dopamine: Creates feelings of pleasure and desire
• Noradrenaline: Triggers excitement and nervousness
• Serotonin: Affects mood and can decrease during infatuation
• Oxytocin and vasopressin: Important for bonding in later stages

2. Recognize and Navigate the Three Attachment Styles

The three predominant styles, and if you have a basic understanding of them, you will be at an advantage during the buying phase of relationships as you get to know your new partner.

Anchor, Island, and Wave. Understanding these three attachment styles is crucial for successful dating and relationship formation. Anchors are securely attached individuals who are comfortable with intimacy and independence. Islands value self-reliance and may struggle with emotional closeness. Waves desire connection but can be anxious and ambivalent about relationships.

Adapting to different styles. Recognizing your own attachment style and that of your potential partner allows you to navigate the dating process more effectively. For example, an island may need more space and independence, while a wave may require more reassurance and closeness. Understanding these dynamics can help you avoid misunderstandings and create a more harmonious relationship.

Characteristics of each attachment style:

• Anchors: Secure, balanced, good at emotional regulation
• Islands: Independent, self-reliant, may struggle with intimacy
• Waves: Desire closeness, can be anxious or ambivalent
  Tips for dating different styles:
• Be aware of your own attachment style and needs
• Communicate openly about expectations and boundaries
• Be patient and understanding of your partner's attachment-related behaviors

3. Master the Art of Sherlocking: Observe and Vet Potential Partners

Become a Sherlock Holmes, the nineteenth-century fictional detective, achieved such notoriety that his name is now a common noun in the dictionary.

Observational skills. Developing keen observational skills, or "sherlocking," is essential for effectively vetting potential partners. This involves paying close attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and consistency in behavior. By honing these skills, you can gather valuable information about a person's character, values, and compatibility.

Comprehensive vetting process. Effective vetting goes beyond initial observations and involves a three-phase process: initial screening, deeper vetting by friends and family, and ongoing assessment. This comprehensive approach helps you make more informed decisions about potential partners and increases the likelihood of finding a compatible match.

Key areas to observe:

• Nonverbal cues: facial expressions, body language, eye contact
• Verbal communication: consistency, openness, ability to listen
• Interactions with others: how they treat service staff, friends, family
  Vetting strategies:
• Engage in varied activities and situations to see different aspects of personality
• Introduce potential partners to trusted friends and family for outside perspectives
• Pay attention to how they handle stress, conflict, and disappointment

4. Cultivate Mindfulness to Manage Dating Anxiety

The trick is to observe without judgment or distraction.

Present-moment awareness. Practicing mindfulness can significantly reduce dating anxiety and improve your overall dating experience. By focusing on the present moment without judgment, you can better manage your nervous system's responses to stress and anxiety. This allows you to stay calm and authentic during dates, rather than getting caught up in worries about the future or past experiences.

Practical techniques. There are several mindfulness techniques you can employ to stay grounded and relaxed during dating situations. These include conscious breathing, body scans to release tension, and maintaining awareness of your thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them.

Mindfulness exercises for dating:

• Mindful breathing: Focus on your breath to anchor yourself in the present
• Body scan: Regularly check for and release physical tension
• Thought observation: Notice anxious thoughts without engaging with them
  Benefits of mindfulness in dating:
• Reduces performance anxiety and self-consciousness
• Improves ability to listen and connect with your date
• Enhances overall enjoyment of the dating experience

5. Develop Skills for Mutual Regulation and Conflict Resolution

Soothing your partner can take different forms, but the two main aspects are nonverbal calming and verbal reassurance.

Mutual regulation. Learning to regulate your own nervous system and help regulate your partner's is crucial for building a strong, secure relationship. This involves developing skills in both self-soothing and partner-soothing, allowing you to maintain emotional balance individually and as a couple.

Effective conflict resolution. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but how you handle them can make or break your connection. Developing skills in "fighting well" involves learning to communicate effectively, manage emotions, and work towards mutually beneficial solutions.

Mutual regulation techniques:

• Nonverbal soothing: physical touch, eye contact, calming presence
• Verbal reassurance: expressing care, understanding, and commitment
• Creating a "couple bubble" of safety and support
  Conflict resolution strategies:
• Lead with relief: acknowledge injuries and diffuse threats quickly
• Practice active listening and empathy
• Focus on finding win-win solutions
• Use playfulness to de-escalate tension when appropriate

6. Create a Secure-Functioning Relationship Built on Trust and Fairness

Secure functioning is at the core of all successful relationships.

Foundation of security. A secure-functioning relationship is characterized by mutual trust, fairness, and sensitivity to each other's needs. This type of relationship provides a stable foundation for both partners to thrive individually and as a couple.

Key principles. To create a secure-functioning relationship, focus on developing true mutuality, where both partners' needs are equally valued and addressed. This involves maintaining open communication, showing consistent care and support, and working together to create a shared sense of security and belonging.

Characteristics of secure-functioning relationships:

• Mutual trust and reliability
• Quick repair of emotional injuries
• Balanced give-and-take
• Shared goals and values
  Strategies for building secure functioning:
• Prioritize the relationship above outside influences
• Develop a "couple bubble" of safety and support
• Practice consistent attunement to each other's needs
• Foster a culture of appreciation and gratitude

7. Navigate Breakups with Grace and Learn from Past Relationships

Saying good-bye is never easy. Even if you are 100 percent certain you want out of a relationship, actually saying so to your partner and making it happen can be hard, especially if your partner disagrees or is upset.

Mindful endings. When a relationship ends, approaching the breakup with mindfulness and respect can minimize hurt and facilitate personal growth. This involves being clear about your reasons, expressing gratitude for the positive aspects of the relationship, and maintaining a compassionate attitude towards yourself and your partner.

Growth opportunities. Every relationship, even those that end, provides valuable learning experiences. By reflecting on what worked and what didn't, you can gain insights that will help you in future relationships. This process of self-reflection and growth is essential for developing healthier, more fulfilling connections over time.

Guidelines for mindful breakups:

• Communicate in person when possible
• Be clear and honest about your reasons
• Express appreciation for the positive aspects of the relationship
• Avoid blame and focus on personal growth
  Lessons to take from past relationships:
• Identify patterns in your relationship choices and behaviors
• Recognize areas for personal growth and improvement
• Clarify your values and needs in future relationships
• Develop a clearer understanding of compatible partner traits

Last updated: February 25, 2025