The Science of Attraction

1. Attraction is rooted in biology and evolution

We are drawn to people we find physically attractive—not a radical idea.

Evolutionary basis. Our attraction to certain traits is hardwired into our genes, shaped by thousands of years of evolution. These preferences are often unconscious and aimed at finding a mate who can help propagate our offspring.

Biological markers. Key factors in attraction include:

• Health indicators (e.g., clear skin, symmetrical features)
• Fertility signals (e.g., hip-to-waist ratio in women, broad shoulders in men)
• Status and resources (particularly important for women seeking men)
• Emotional stability and kindness (important for long-term relationships)

Neurochemistry of attraction. When we're attracted to someone, our brains release a cocktail of chemicals, including dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. This chemical reaction can lead to reduced activity in the frontal cortex, explaining why we often make irrational decisions when in love.

2. Nonverbal cues play a crucial role in flirting and dating

Between fifty-five percent and ninety-three percent of the entire message we communicate to others is nonverbal and unrelated to the words coming out of your mouth.

Body language. Our posture, gestures, and facial expressions can convey interest, availability, and confidence. Key nonverbal cues include:

• Open body posture
• Mirroring the other person's movements
• Maintaining eye contact
• Subtle touches

First impressions. Research shows that people form lasting impressions within seconds of meeting someone, often based solely on nonverbal cues. This includes how we walk, stand, and carry ourselves.

Strategic touching. Physical touch can be a powerful tool in building attraction, but it must be used appropriately. The study identifies three types of touching:

1. Friendly touching (e.g., handshakes)
2. Plausible deniability touching (e.g., "accidental" brushes)
3. Nuclear touching (clearly intentional and intimate)

3. The "chase" is a delicate balance of interest and unavailability

Uncertainty and novelty drive us, while predictability causes complacency and disinterest.

Psychological basis. The chase taps into our desire for what we can't easily have. This concept is rooted in B.F. Skinner's research on intermittent reinforcement, which showed that unpredictable rewards are more motivating than consistent ones.

Creating intrigue. Effective strategies for maintaining interest include:

• Delayed responses to messages
• Maintaining a busy schedule
• Avoiding excessive eagerness or availability

Balancing act. While playing hard to get can increase attraction, it's crucial not to overdo it. The goal is to create a sense of mystery and value, not to push someone away entirely.

4. Effective flirting follows a three-step process

The three steps are approach, synchronize, and touch.

Approach. The initial contact sets the tone for the interaction. Key elements include:

• Proper orientation (approach women from the front, men from the side)
• Genuine smiles
• Strategic use of eyebrow movements

Synchronization. This stage involves building rapport and mirroring the other person's body language and energy. It's characterized by:

• Direct eye contact
• Physical proximity
• Engaged conversation

Touch. The final stage involves breaking the physical barrier. This should be done gradually and with attention to the other person's comfort level.

5. Love is not always enough for a successful relationship

Love marriages can be very successful. Yet each has a different strategy for finding and maintaining "love."

Arranged marriages. The success of arranged marriages highlights the importance of factors beyond initial attraction:

• Shared values and goals
• Family support
• Strong commitment to making the relationship work

Triangular theory of love. Robert Sternberg's theory identifies three key components of successful relationships:

1. Intimacy
2. Passion
3. Commitment

Compatibility factors. Research shows that successful long-term relationships often involve partners who are similar in:

• Agreeableness
• Emotional stability
• Core values and life goals

6. We often misjudge what we truly want in a partner

People were astonishingly bad at predicting what they would be attracted to in other people.

Psychological distance. When we're not in the immediate presence of potential partners, we tend to think more abstractly about what we want. This can lead to unrealistic or overly idealized expectations.

Self-interest bias. We often confuse what would benefit us with what we're actually attracted to. For example, desiring a partner with high earning potential doesn't necessarily translate to romantic attraction.

Societal influence. Our ideas about what we should want in a partner are heavily influenced by societal norms, media portrayals, and family expectations. These may not align with our true preferences.

7. Great sex is about more than physical techniques

No toys or tongue tricks are needed to create remarkable sex.

Elements of great sex. Research by Peggy Kleinplatz identified eight key factors for satisfying sexual experiences:

1. Presence
2. Connection
3. Intimacy
4. Communication
5. Authenticity
6. Bliss
7. Exploration
8. Vulnerability

Emotional connection. Contrary to popular belief, great sex is more about emotional and mental connection than specific physical techniques or novelty.

Communication and vulnerability. Open, honest communication and willingness to be vulnerable with a partner are crucial for developing a fulfilling sex life.

8. Understanding gender differences can improve relationships

Women were found to highly rate age, education, trust, emotional connection, intelligence, and income—around fourteen points more on a one-hundred-point scale than do men.

Attraction triggers. Men and women often prioritize different factors in attraction:

• Men tend to place higher value on physical attractiveness
• Women often prioritize status, resources, and emotional connection

Sexual arousal differences. Research shows that men tend to experience spontaneous sexual desire, while women's desire is more often responsive to stimuli.

Emotional needs. Women generally require more emotional intimacy and connection as a precursor to sexual desire, while men may seek sex as a way to build closeness.

Communication styles. Understanding and accommodating these differences can lead to more satisfying relationships and sexual experiences for both partners.

Last updated: February 4, 2025