The Message of a Master

1. Expect Conflict, Especially Among Women

Personal attacks, difficult people, and conflict are all inevitable in ministry.

Conflict is Universal. No one is exempt from conflict, not even Jesus, Paul, or historical figures like Abigail Adams. Expecting conflict in ministry is not pessimistic but realistic, preparing you to handle it effectively.

Ministry is a Battleground. The church attracts hurting people who bring their woundedness and idiosyncrasies. Respect for authority has declined, and rudeness is easily accepted, affecting ministry ethos.

Prepare Yourself. By acknowledging the inevitability of conflict, you can proactively equip yourself with the skills and strategies needed to navigate challenging situations, preventing discouragement and burnout.

2. Understand Women's Indirect Conflict Styles

Researchers in Europe, North America, and Australia have found that verbal and indirect aggression among girls and women include name-calling, insulting, teasing, threatening, shutting the other out, becoming friends with another as revenge, ignoring, gossiping, telling bad stories behind a person’s back, and trying to get others to dislike that person.

Indirect Aggression. Women often express conflict indirectly through gossip, rumors, and subtle insults, driven by a fear of open confrontation and a desire to maintain connections. This covert approach can be more damaging than direct conflict.

Value Connections. Women tend to value connections and relationships, viewing conflict as a threat to these bonds. This relational lens often leads to indirect methods of expressing grievances to avoid direct confrontation.

Socialization. Girls are often socialized to be nice and avoid direct confrontation, contributing to the prevalence of indirect aggression. Understanding these tendencies can help you identify and address conflict more effectively.

3. Cultivate Personal Emotional Health

Only emotionally healthy women respond wisely when personally attacked or involved in conflict.

Emotional Health is Key. To be a successful peacemaker, prioritize emotional health by addressing personal baggage, weaknesses, and insecurities. Emotionally healthy women are better equipped to handle conflict wisely.

Identity in Christ. Ground your identity in Jesus to avoid being overly sensitive to criticism. Recognize that you are in process and give yourself grace, resisting extreme "all-or-nothing" thinking.

Combat Pride. Guard against the subtle sin of pride, which can manifest as insisting on your own way, believing you are indispensable, or judging others. Dependence on God is essential to humility.

4. Discern Constructive vs. Destructive Criticism

Take note of the one who has integrity! Observe the godly! For the one who promotes peace has a future.

Welcome Constructive Criticism. Be open to hearing words of instruction and correction, recognizing that constructive criticism is designed to help you grow and minister more effectively. Swallow your pride and respond wisely.

Beware Destructive Criticism. Learn to identify unhealthy individuals who are determined to destroy you and the ministry. These individuals often justify their actions and believe they are doing God's work.

Characteristics of Unhealthy Women. Watch out for women who are adversarial, old guard, tunnel visioned, intense, super-spiritual, blind to their own faults, or frustrated. These qualities can indicate a destructive conflict.

5. Disarm Adversaries with Kindness and Understanding

Good communication occurs when two people are open, honest, vulnerable, transparent, and looking for ways for both to benefit.

Put Down Your Rock First. As a leader, take the initiative to disarm your adversary by demonstrating kindness, understanding, and a willingness to seek common ground. This can create an environment conducive to healthy dialogue.

Be Self-Aware. Recognize your own biases, prejudices, and emotional triggers that may be coloring your perception of the conflict. Acknowledge your mistakes and ask for forgiveness when appropriate.

Create a Caring Ethos. Foster a meeting place that puts your adversary at ease, arranging furniture to facilitate open communication and monitoring your tone of voice and body language. Give your adversary all the time and space she needs to express herself.

6. Love Your Enemies, Even When It's Hard

I give you a new commandment—to love one another.

Jesus' Most Challenging Command. Loving your enemy is one of the toughest commands in the Bible, requiring you to emulate the high and holy love of God, even when it seems impossible.

Apply the Passage. Instead of retaliation, serve the one who wounds you and seek peace through your actions. Surprise your enemy with kind acts, refusing to lower yourself to their level.

What is Love? Strive to love your enemies the way God loves you, uninfluenced by their disapproval or meanness. Set aside their wickedness or foolishness and love them despite the reality that they may want to do you and the ministry great harm.

7. Follow the Matthew 18 Reconciliation Process

If your sister sins, go and show her her fault when the two of you are alone.

Step One: Go and Show. If a sister sins, take the initiative to go to her privately and show her her fault. This demonstrates a commitment to reconciliation and provides an opportunity for understanding.

Step Two: Take Witnesses. If the first meeting is unfruitful, take one or two others with you to provide additional perspective and support. These witnesses should be neutral and respected by both parties.

Step Three: Take It to the Church. If the conflict remains unresolved, tell it to the church leadership. Submit to their guidance and trust that they will help facilitate a godly resolution.

8. Equip Your Team for Conflict Resolution

The glory you gave to me I have given to them, that they may be one just as we are one—I in them and you in me—that they may be completely one, so that the world will know that you sent me, and you have loved them just as you have loved me.

Understand What's at Stake. Healthy teams are built on trust, which can be undermined by gossip and behind-the-back conversations. Protect your team by refusing to tolerate such behavior.

Require a Peacemaking Covenant. Have team members sign a covenant committing to follow biblical principles for resolving conflict. This sets clear expectations and provides a framework for addressing disputes.

Provide Quality Instruction. Equip your team with the skills and knowledge they need to manage conflict effectively. Use this book as a core curriculum and incorporate conflict resolution training into team retreats.

9. Acknowledge Gender Differences in Conflict

Both men and women endure conflict, but men and women perceive and process conflict differently.

It's Personal. Women's disputes often become personal, making them more challenging to resolve. Recognize that emotions run deep and that healing may take time.

Give Them Time. Be prepared to invest significant time in helping women work through their conflicts. Avoid rushing the process or minimizing their feelings.

Pray. Capitalize on women's emotional bond with Jesus by praying for them and with them. This can help them regain perspective and approach the conflict with a more Christlike attitude.

10. Male Leaders: Listen and Empathize

I appeal to Euodia and Syntyche to agree in the Lord.

Listen First, Fix Later. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions before fully understanding the situation. Allow women to express their perspectives and emotions, asking clarifying questions to ensure you grasp the nuances of the conflict.

Consider Identity Issues. Be aware that criticism can threaten women's sense of identity. Help them ground their identity in Christ and avoid extreme "all-or-nothing" thinking.

Teach Women to Be More Direct. Encourage women to communicate directly and avoid indirect aggression. Challenge them to address conflict head-on, following the steps outlined in Matthew 18.

Last updated: February 23, 2025