Selfless

1. The self is a social construction, not an innate essence

To look out and accept the yawning unknown at our feet is one thing, but to turn our gaze and face the same vast unknown of our selves is something else entirely.

Our self is fluid. Rather than being a fixed, internal essence, our self is constantly shaped by our interactions and relationships with others. This challenges the common belief in a "true self" that exists independently of social influences.

We are mirrors. Our identities are formed through reflections from others - how they treat us, speak to us, and respond to our actions. This process begins before birth, as others anticipate our arrival, and continues throughout our lives as we engage in countless social interactions.

• We have multiple selves that emerge in different contexts
• Our memories and sense of self-continuity are socially influenced
• Even our most personal characteristics, like morality, are shaped by social forces

2. Relationships shape our identities and constrain our freedom

You cannot be completely free in any relationship, but you can't know or be your self without them.

Freedom is limited by relationships. While we often think of freedom as the absence of external constraints, our very sense of self depends on our connections to others. These relationships inevitably place limits on who we can be and what we can do.

Constraints create coherence. The limitations imposed by relationships provide structure and meaning to our lives. Without these constraints, we would lack a coherent sense of self and struggle to navigate the world.

• Close relationships have a particularly strong influence on identity
• We often change our behavior and beliefs to maintain relationships
• The feeling of freedom may be more important than actual freedom

3. Social groups provide structure and meaning to our lives

To be free, a being unaffected by others, not bound by norms and customs, untethered to the current moment, is to be without self.

Groups simplify complexity. Social groups help us make sense of an overwhelmingly complex world by providing ready-made categories and expectations. These groups shape our understanding of ourselves and others, influencing how we interact and perceive the world.

Identity transcends individuals. Social identities connect us to something larger than ourselves, extending our sense of self across time and space. This connection to a broader community or cause can provide a sense of meaning and purpose.

• Group memberships affect how we're treated and how we treat others
• We often defend group boundaries to protect our sense of self
• Social identities can provide comfort but also lead to conflict

4. Technology and nation-states profoundly influence self-formation

Today, what perhaps most structures and limits our world are two interrelated phenomena: technology and nation-states.

Technology shapes connections. Advances in communication technology, from paper to the internet, have dramatically expanded the range of people we can connect with and the information we have access to. This has profound implications for how we form and maintain identities.

Nations structure reality. Nation-states provide a powerful framework for organizing social life, shaping everything from our legal rights to our sense of shared identity with millions of strangers. They influence the context in which more intimate relationships and communities exist.

• Algorithms and social media can reinforce existing biases and limit exposure to new ideas
• National identities can inspire deep loyalty and self-sacrifice
• The power to define group membership (e.g., citizenship) has significant consequences

5. We seek coherence and purpose to find meaning in life

To have purpose, our choices have to be tied to something more than our moment-to-moment existence.

Meaning requires structure. To experience life as meaningful, we need to perceive some coherent order in the world and our place within it. This structure allows us to make sense of our experiences and plan for the future.

Purpose transcends the present. A sense of meaning often comes from feeling that our actions have significance beyond the immediate moment. This can come from connections to others, pursuit of goals, or belief in being part of something larger than ourselves.

• The need for meaning can be as important as physical needs
• Belief in the weight of our choices contributes to a sense of meaning
• Balancing the need for coherence with the desire for freedom is key

6. Death of the self extends beyond physical death

When we die we hope others mourn us. But perhaps we also create space for them to expand.

Relationships outlive bodies. While physical death is final for our conscious experience, aspects of our self can persist through the relationships and memories we leave behind. This social self can continue to influence others even after we're gone.

Gradual fading. The death of the self is not a single event but a gradual process. As memories fade and relationships evolve, our influence slowly diminishes until we are eventually forgotten.

• Parts of our self "die" throughout life as relationships and roles change
• Legacy and remembrance are ways of extending the self beyond death
• Accepting the impermanence of self can lead to a more generous approach to life

7. Understanding the social nature of self can lead to greater empathy

Maybe life is just a little easier to bear and others just a bit easier to understand.

Shared creation of self. Recognizing that we all play a role in shaping each other's selves can foster greater empathy and understanding. It highlights our interconnectedness and shared responsibility for the social world we inhabit.

Power in everyday interactions. Understanding the social nature of self reveals the power we have in even small interactions to affirm or challenge others' sense of self. This awareness can lead to more mindful and compassionate engagement with others.

• Seeing others as products of their social environment can increase forgiveness
• Recognizing our role in shaping others can increase sense of responsibility
• This perspective can lead to more intentional cultivation of relationships and communities

Last updated: February 25, 2025