Say What You Mean

1. Lead with presence: Be fully aware and engaged in the moment

Presence lays the ground for connection.

Mindful presence is the foundation of effective communication. It involves being aware of what's happening in the present moment in a balanced and non-reactive way. To cultivate presence:

• Ground your attention in your body using techniques like:

  • Feeling the sensation of gravity
  • Sensing your centerline or posture
  • Focusing on your breathing
  • Noticing touch points like your hands or feet

• Practice pausing regularly during conversations to:

  • Check in with your own state of mind and body
  • Re-center your attention if you've become distracted
  • Create space for more thoughtful responses

By leading with presence, you create the conditions for genuine connection and understanding in your interactions.

2. Come from curiosity and care: Approach conversations with genuine interest

The more mutual understanding, the easier it is to work together and find creative solutions.

Cultivate genuine curiosity about others' experiences, thoughts, and feelings. This intention to understand creates an atmosphere conducive to collaboration and problem-solving. To practice curiosity and care:

• Ask open-ended questions to learn more about others' perspectives
• Suspend judgment and really listen to understand, not to refute or argue
• Show empathy by trying to imagine how the other person feels
• Express appreciation for the other person's willingness to share

Remember that curiosity is not about agreeing with everything the other person says, but about creating a space where both parties feel heard and respected. This approach lays the groundwork for finding mutually beneficial solutions.

3. Focus on what matters: Identify and address the core issues

The clearer we are about what we want and why, the more creative we can be about how to make it happen.

Prioritize essential information in conversations to avoid getting sidetracked or overwhelmed. To focus on what matters:

• Identify the key observations, feelings, needs, and requests in a situation
• Separate facts from interpretations or judgments
• Look for the underlying needs or values behind stated positions
• Frame issues in terms of shared goals or mutual benefit

When discussing complex topics:

• Break down the conversation into manageable chunks
• Periodically summarize and check for understanding
• Redirect the conversation if it veers off course

By maintaining focus on core issues, you increase the likelihood of reaching meaningful resolutions and deepening understanding.

4. Recognize and manage emotional activation: Stay balanced in challenging conversations

Attending to our own reactivity, noticing the rise of activation and supporting the calm of deactivation, can help us make wiser choices about what to say and when.

Develop emotional agility to navigate difficult conversations more effectively. To manage emotional activation:

1. Recognize signs of activation in your body:

   • Increased heart rate or breathing
   • Muscle tension or clenched jaw
   • Feeling hot or flushed

2. Use grounding techniques to regain balance:

   • Take slow, deep breaths
   • Feel your feet on the ground
   • Focus on a neutral sensory experience

3. Support deactivation by:

   • Noticing moments of ease or calm during the conversation
   • Intentionally creating pauses or breaks when needed
   • Shifting attention to less charged aspects of the situation

By staying attuned to your nervous system, you can maintain presence and make more conscious choices about how to respond in challenging moments.

5. Make clear observations without judgment: Separate facts from interpretations

Stating clearly what happened, without judgment or evaluation, makes it easier for someone to hear us and to work toward a solution.

Distinguish observations from evaluations to create a shared understanding of events. To make clear observations:

• Describe specific, observable behaviors or events
• Avoid generalizations like "always" or "never"
• Use concrete language that could be captured on video
• Separate what you saw or heard from your interpretation of it

For example, instead of saying "You're always late," try "You arrived 15 minutes after the agreed meeting time." This approach reduces defensiveness and provides a more solid foundation for problem-solving.

6. Express feelings and needs authentically: Connect emotions to underlying values

The more we take responsibility for our feelings, connecting them to our needs rather than to others' actions, the easier it is for others to hear us.

Communicate emotions clearly and link them to the universal human needs or values they reflect. To express feelings and needs:

1. Identify and name your emotions accurately
2. Connect feelings to underlying needs or values
3. Take responsibility for your emotions rather than blaming others
4. Express vulnerability when appropriate to build trust

For example: "I feel frustrated because I really value efficiency, and I'm concerned about meeting our deadline." This approach helps others understand your perspective without feeling attacked or blamed.

7. Make specific, positive requests: Ask for what you want clearly and flexibly

Have ideas for strategies that meet as many needs as possible, which invites others to look for creative solutions.

Formulate clear, actionable requests to move conversations forward constructively. Effective requests are:

1. Positive: State what you do want, not what you don't want
2. Specific: Ask for concrete, doable actions
3. Flexible: Open to negotiation and alternative solutions

When making requests:

• Check the other person's willingness: "Would you be willing to...?"
• Provide context for why it matters to you
• Be open to hearing "no" and exploring other options

For example: "Would you be willing to send me a quick text if you're running more than 10 minutes late? It would help me feel more relaxed and able to plan my time."

8. Listen empathetically: Understand others' perspectives deeply

Empathy challenges our notions of separateness. To open our heart to the joy or pain of another means we must be willing to feel, willing to be moved.

Cultivate deep listening skills to create genuine understanding and connection. To listen empathetically:

1. Give your full attention to the speaker
2. Set aside your own thoughts and judgments temporarily
3. Try to sense the feelings and needs behind their words
4. Reflect back what you hear to check your understanding

Empathetic listening involves:

• Cognitive empathy: Understanding their perspective
• Emotional empathy: Feeling with them
• Somatic empathy: Sensing their embodied experience

Remember that empathy doesn't mean agreeing with everything the other person says. It's about creating a space where they feel truly heard and understood.

9. Translate judgments into observations, feelings, and needs: Transform blame into understanding

Translating judgments into observations, feelings, and needs can yield valuable information about what is and isn't working and provide clues for how to move forward.

Reframe critical thoughts to uncover the underlying needs and values they represent. To translate judgments:

1. Notice when you're having a judgmental thought
2. Identify the specific observation triggering the judgment
3. Connect with the feelings arising from that observation
4. Uncover the needs or values not being met in the situation

For example, transform "They're so inconsiderate!" into:

• Observation: "They didn't respond to my email for three days."
• Feeling: "I feel anxious and frustrated."
• Need: "I need clarity and timely communication to feel secure in our collaboration."

This process helps shift from blame to understanding, opening up new possibilities for dialogue and problem-solving.

10. Navigate difficult conversations skillfully: Prepare, stay grounded, and recover gracefully

When in conflict, if we aim to listen to the other person first it increases the chances that they will be willing to listen to us.

Approach challenging dialogues with intention and skill to increase the likelihood of positive outcomes. To navigate difficult conversations:

Prepare:

• Clarify your intentions and desired outcomes
• Anticipate potential challenges or triggers
• Practice self-empathy and ground yourself

During the conversation:

• Start by listening and seeking to understand
• Stay attuned to your own and the other's emotional state
• Use the tools of observation, feeling, need, and request
• Take breaks if needed to maintain presence and balance

Recover and learn:

• Reflect on what went well and what you could improve
• Be willing to revisit the conversation if needed
• Celebrate small successes and progress made

Remember that effective communication is a skill that develops over time with practice. Be patient with yourself and others as you work to implement these principles in your interactions.

Last updated: January 24, 2025