Notes on a Silencing

1. Sexual assault at St. Paul's School: A young girl's traumatic experience

I told you I wanted to live in a world in which the antidote to shame is not honor, but honesty.

A prestigious boarding school becomes the setting for trauma. Lacy Crawford, a 15-year-old student at St. Paul's School in New Hampshire, is sexually assaulted by two senior boys in their dorm room. The assault occurs after one of the boys calls her on the phone late at night, asking for help. Crawford, naive and trusting, goes to their room only to be held down and forced to perform oral sex on both boys.

• The assault takes place in October 1990
• Crawford is a junior (fifth former) at the time
• The perpetrators are Rick Banner and Taz, both 18-year-old seniors
• The incident occurs in the boys' dorm room after hours

The immediate aftermath leaves Crawford confused and ashamed. She struggles to process what happened, initially blaming herself and feeling unable to speak out. The school's culture of privilege and secrecy further compounds her trauma, as she fears the consequences of reporting the assault.

2. The power of institutional silence and victim-blaming

They are going to take on the school. No, you can't go back.

St. Paul's School actively suppresses the truth. When Crawford finally discloses the assault to her parents months later, the school's response is to protect its reputation at all costs. Instead of supporting the victim and holding the perpetrators accountable, the administration engages in a campaign of victim-blaming and threats.

• The school fails to report the assault to authorities, violating mandatory reporting laws
• Administrators and lawyers threaten to destroy Crawford's reputation if she pursues legal action
• The school spreads rumors about Crawford being promiscuous and a drug dealer

The impact of institutional betrayal. Crawford faces isolation and further trauma as the school's actions effectively silence her and protect her abusers. This betrayal by trusted authority figures compounds the original trauma of the assault.

3. The lasting impact of trauma and the struggle for self-worth

I wanted to shake her. Tough shit, I'd have said.

Trauma reshapes Crawford's sense of self. In the years following the assault, Crawford struggles with self-worth, shame, and an inability to form healthy relationships. The trauma affects every aspect of her life, from her academic performance to her personal relationships.

• Crawford develops physical symptoms, including recurring throat infections
• She struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts
• Her ability to trust others is severely damaged

The long journey to healing. Crawford's path to recovery is long and challenging. She grapples with the lasting effects of the trauma well into adulthood, affecting her college experience, career choices, and romantic relationships.

4. The role of privilege and reputation in concealing abuse

If you're going to go back there, you're going to have to find some faith.

St. Paul's School's prestige becomes a shield for abusers. The school's reputation and powerful alumni network create a culture of impunity, where protecting the institution's image takes precedence over the well-being of students.

• The school has a history of covering up sexual abuse by faculty and students
• Powerful alumni and donors exert influence to maintain the status quo
• The culture of privilege makes it difficult for victims to speak out or be believed

The broader implications of institutional protection. Crawford's experience at St. Paul's reflects a larger societal issue of how prestigious institutions often prioritize their reputation over the safety and well-being of individuals.

5. Finding strength and healing through supportive relationships

Stick with me.

The power of genuine connection. Despite the trauma and isolation, Crawford finds moments of healing through supportive relationships. These connections become crucial in her journey towards recovery and self-acceptance.

• Crawford forms a close bond with Alex Ault, a fellow student who believes and supports her
• She finds solace in friendships with other girls who have experienced similar trauma
• Later in life, her relationship with her husband provides a foundation for healing

The importance of being believed. Crawford's experiences highlight how crucial it is for survivors to be heard, believed, and supported. These positive relationships help counteract the damage done by the institutional betrayal and victim-blaming.

6. The long-term consequences of unaddressed sexual assault

Stick with me.

The ripple effects of trauma. Crawford's story illustrates how the impact of sexual assault extends far beyond the immediate incident, affecting every aspect of a survivor's life for years to come.

• Crawford struggles with trust and intimacy in relationships
• Her career path is influenced by her experiences, leading her to writing and advocacy
• The unresolved trauma continues to surface in unexpected ways throughout her life

The importance of proper support and intervention. The lack of appropriate response and support from the school and other authority figures exacerbates the long-term effects of the assault, highlighting the need for better systems to address sexual violence.

7. Breaking the silence: The importance of speaking out against abuse

I told you I wanted to live in a world in which the antidote to shame is not honor, but honesty.

Finding the courage to speak truth to power. Years after the assault, Crawford decides to break her silence and share her story publicly. This act of speaking out becomes a powerful tool for healing and advocacy.

• Crawford's memoir, "Notes on a Silencing," brings attention to the systemic issues at St. Paul's School
• Her story inspires other survivors to come forward and demand accountability
• The public exposure leads to increased scrutiny of the school's policies and practices

The power of collective voices. Crawford's decision to speak out contributes to a larger movement of survivors challenging institutional power and demanding change. Her story becomes part of a broader conversation about sexual assault, privilege, and accountability in educational institutions.

Last updated: January 23, 2025