Children Are from Heaven

1. Positive Parenting: Nurturing Innate Goodness

Within the developing mind, heart, and body of every child is the perfect blueprint for that child’s development.

Children are inherently good. Positive parenting is rooted in the belief that children are born with innate goodness and a unique blueprint for their development. The role of parents is not to mold or fix them, but to provide a nurturing environment that allows their natural potential to flourish. This perspective shifts the focus from control and punishment to support and understanding.

Trusting the natural process. Parents should trust the natural growth process of their children, similar to how a farmer trusts the growth of a seed. This involves recognizing and honoring each child's individual strengths and challenges, rather than trying to force them into a predetermined mold. This trust reduces parental frustration and allows children to develop authentically.

Challenges are necessary. Growing up involves facing challenges, and these challenges are essential for developing crucial life skills. Positive parenting equips children to overcome these obstacles successfully, fostering resilience, compassion, and self-sufficiency. The goal is not to shield children from adversity, but to support them in navigating it.

2. Updating Parenting Skills: From Fear to Love

Positive parenting is a shift from fear-based to love-based parenting.

Outdated methods. Traditional parenting often relies on dominance, fear, and guilt to control children's behavior. However, these methods are counterproductive in today's world, where children are more sensitive and aware. Positive parenting offers a more effective approach based on love, understanding, and respect.

Updating skills. Parents need to update their parenting skills to raise healthy and cooperative children and teens. Just as businesses adapt to stay competitive, parents must evolve their approach to meet the changing needs of their children. This involves learning new communication techniques, understanding different temperaments, and creating a supportive environment.

Updating is essential. The shift from fear-based to love-based parenting is a radical notion that requires a conscious effort to change ingrained behaviors. It involves giving up old habits like yelling, spanking, and threatening, and replacing them with positive strategies that foster cooperation and self-esteem. This transformation is essential for raising confident, compassionate, and well-adjusted children.

3. Asking, Not Ordering: The Art of Cooperation

Repetitive orders weaken the lines of communication.

Requests over commands. To foster cooperation, parents should replace orders and demands with polite requests. Using phrases like "Would you please..." instead of "Go do..." can significantly improve a child's willingness to listen and respond positively. This simple shift respects the child's autonomy and encourages a more collaborative relationship.

Avoid rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions, such as "Why is this room still a mess?", often carry implied negative messages that undermine cooperation. Instead, parents should be direct and clear about what they want, without resorting to guilt or shame. Directness fosters clarity and reduces confusion.

The magic word. The word "let's" can be a powerful tool for creating cooperation. By inviting children to participate in activities together, parents can foster a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility. This approach strengthens the bond between parent and child and makes tasks more enjoyable.

4. Minimizing Resistance: Understanding Temperaments

Children need to experience that you are listening to them just as they are listening to you.

Permission to resist. Giving children permission to resist ensures cooperation, not mindless obedience. Children need to experience that you are listening to them just as they are listening to you.

Four temperaments. Children have four different temperaments: sensitive, active, responsive, and receptive.

• Sensitive children need listening and understanding.
• Active children need preparation and structure.
• Responsive children need distraction and direction.
• Receptive children need ritual and rhythm.

Nurturing needs. By nurturing our children’s need at times of resistance, we can most effectively minimize resistance while keeping their will intact.

5. Improving Communication: Listening and Empathy

Children resist their parents simply because they don’t feel heard or seen.

Listening is key. The most important skills for minimizing resistance and creating cooperation are listening and understanding. When children resist cooperating, it is often because they are wanting something else.

Empathy is essential. When children get the message that you understand what they want and how important it is to them, then their resistance level changes. It is not enough to just understand our children; we need successfully to communicate to them that we do understand.

The two conditions. To communicate that you hear or understand a child’s pressing needs, wishes, and wants, two conditions must be met. The parent must communicate the validating message, but the child must also be aware of the need to be heard and not just his or her desire for a cookie now.

6. Increasing Motivation: Rewards Over Punishment

The promise of more inspires everyone, old or young, to cooperate.

Rewards over punishment. Instead of motivating children with punishment, children today need to be motivated with rewards. Instead of focusing on the consequences of negative behavior, positive parenting focuses on the consequences of positive behavior.

The two reasons. There are clear reasons why children in schools today are more unruly, disrespectful, aggressive, and violent. It is not a big mystery. When children are overstimulated by aggression or the threat of punishment at home, it creates hyperactivity in boys — or what is now diagnosed as Attention Deficit Disorder.

The magic of rewards. Each time you ask your children to give a little more and promise to give them a little more, they are learning important lessons about life. They are learning how to make deals and negotiate. They are learning that they deserve more when they give more, and they learn to put off their immediate want in favor of some greater want in the future.

7. Asserting Leadership: Calm, Clear Commands

Once you use your command voice, you must remain strong.

Command with confidence. After inviting cooperation, listening, and offering rewards, parents must be prepared to assert their leadership and command their children. This involves telling children directly what you want them to do, in a firm but calm voice.

Avoid emotions and explanations. When commanding, it's crucial to avoid getting emotionally upset or offering lengthy explanations. A clear and firm command, repeated as necessary, is more effective than yelling or arguing. This approach reinforces the parent's authority and helps children understand that the discussion is over.

Positive commands. While it's natural to start with negative commands, such as "Don't hit your sister," it's important to follow up with positive commands, such as "I want you to be nice to your sister." This focuses on the desired behavior and encourages cooperation.

8. Maintaining Control: The Power of Time Outs

God made children little so that when they go out of control we can pick them up and put them in a time out.

Time outs, not punishment. When a child defies or rejects parental control, positive parenting emphasizes the importance of bringing the child back into control, not through punishment, but through a time out. This provides an opportunity for the child to feel and release negative emotions in a safe and contained environment.

The ideal time out. The ideal time out involves placing the child in a room and holding the door shut, allowing them to resist and express their feelings. The duration is typically one minute for each year of the child's age. This containment helps the child reconnect with the security of being under parental control.

Common mistakes. Parents often misuse time outs by using them as punishment, expecting children to sit quietly, or not using them consistently. To be effective, time outs should be used as a tool for emotional regulation, not as a means of control.

9. Embracing Differences: Celebrating Uniqueness

Children have their own set of challenges and gifts, and there is nothing we can do to alter who they are.

Unique individuals. Every child is born with a unique combination of characteristics, including gender, body type, temperament, personality, and intelligence. Parents should embrace these differences and avoid trying to mold their children into someone they are not.

Understanding gender differences. Boys and girls have different needs and respond to different approaches. Boys often need more trust and independence, while girls need more caring and attention. Parents should be aware of these differences and adjust their parenting style accordingly.

Different intelligences. Children possess different types of intelligence, including academic, emotional, physical, creative, artistic, and intuitive. Parents should recognize and nurture their children's unique strengths, rather than focusing solely on academic achievement.

10. Making Mistakes Okay: Fostering Resilience

Mistakes are natural, normal, and to be expected.

Mistakes are learning opportunities. All children make mistakes, and it's important for parents to create an environment where mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth, not as sources of shame or punishment. This involves accepting imperfections, acknowledging one's own mistakes, and focusing on solutions rather than blame.

Innocence and responsibility. Up to the age of nine, children are not fully capable of understanding the consequences of their actions. Parents should take responsibility for their children's mistakes during this period, providing guidance and support without resorting to punishment. As children mature, they can gradually take on more responsibility for their actions.

The power of forgiveness. By forgiving their children's mistakes, parents teach them the important skill of self-forgiveness. This allows children to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and resilience, enabling them to bounce back from setbacks and continue to grow.

11. Managing Emotions: A Safe Space for Feelings

Negative emotions are always okay and they need to be communicated.

Acceptance of feelings. All emotions, including negative ones, are a natural and important part of growing up. Parents should create a safe space for children to express their feelings, without fear of judgment or punishment. This involves listening with empathy, validating their emotions, and helping them to identify and understand what they are feeling.

Appropriate expression. While negative emotions are always okay, how, when, and where they are expressed is not always appropriate. Parents should teach children how to express their feelings in a healthy and constructive manner, without resorting to tantrums or other disruptive behaviors. This involves setting clear boundaries and providing guidance on how to communicate effectively.

The power of empathy. Empathy is a powerful tool for helping children manage their emotions. By putting themselves in their children's shoes and understanding their perspective, parents can create a stronger connection and provide the support they need to navigate difficult feelings. This involves listening without judgment, validating their emotions, and offering comfort and reassurance.

12. It's Okay to Want More: Cultivating Aspiration

Positive parenting skills teach children how to ask for what they want in ways that are respectful to others.

Permission to desire. Children should be given permission to want more, to dream big, and to aspire to achieve their goals. This involves creating an environment where they feel safe to express their desires, without fear of being shamed or criticized. It also involves teaching them how to ask for what they want in a respectful and effective manner.

Negotiation and limits. While it's important to give children permission to want more, it's equally important to set clear limits and boundaries. This involves teaching them how to negotiate, compromise, and accept "no" for an answer. It also involves helping them to understand that just because they want something doesn't mean they will always get it.

The longing of the spirit. The desire for more is a fundamental aspect of the human spirit. By nurturing this desire and equipping children with the skills to manage their emotions and navigate life's challenges, parents can help them to achieve their full potential and live fulfilling lives. This involves fostering a sense of gratitude for what they have, while also encouraging them to strive for more.

Last updated: March 10, 2025