Key Takeaways
1. Grief is not a problem to be solved, but an experience to be supported
Seeing grief as an experience that needs support, rather than solutions, changes everything.
Cultural misunderstanding: Our society often treats grief as a problem to be fixed, leading to unhelpful responses and increased suffering for those grieving. This approach stems from:
- Medical models that view death as failure
- Psychological models that consider anything but happiness as abnormal
- Cultural narratives that emphasize overcoming adversity and finding silver linings
Shifting perspective: By recognizing grief as a natural, necessary response to loss, we can:
- Validate the griever's experience
- Provide meaningful support without trying to erase pain
- Allow space for the full range of emotions associated with loss
This shift in perspective benefits both the grieving person and those supporting them, creating a more compassionate and effective approach to grief.
2. Pain and suffering are distinct: pain needs tending, suffering can be reduced
Pain is pure and needs support rather than solutions, but suffering is different. Suffering can be fixed, or at least significantly reduced.
Understanding the difference:
- Pain: The natural, inevitable response to loss
- Suffering: Additional distress caused by unhelpful thoughts, behaviors, or external pressures
Reducing suffering:
- Identify sources of unnecessary suffering (e.g., self-judgment, unhelpful social interactions)
- Practice self-compassion and kindness
- Set boundaries with others who unintentionally increase suffering
- Focus on tending to pain rather than trying to eliminate it
By differentiating between pain and suffering, grieving individuals can:
- Honor their loss without feeling pressure to "get over it"
- Take active steps to reduce additional distress
- Find ways to live alongside their grief more peacefully
3. Physical and cognitive changes in grief are normal and temporary
You aren't crazy. You're grieving. Those are very different things.
Common physical symptoms:
- Sleep disturbances (insomnia or excessive sleeping)
- Changes in appetite
- Fatigue and muscle tension
- Increased susceptibility to illness
Cognitive changes:
- Memory loss and forgetfulness
- Difficulty concentrating
- Confusion and disorientation
- Shortened attention span
Coping strategies:
- Practice self-compassion and patience
- Use external reminders (notes, alarms) to compensate for memory issues
- Prioritize self-care (nutrition, rest, gentle exercise)
- Communicate your needs to others
Remember that these changes are a normal part of the grieving process and typically improve over time as your mind and body adjust to the new reality.
4. Anxiety in grief is common but can be managed with specific techniques
Anxiety is patently ineffective at managing risk and predicting danger.
Understanding grief-related anxiety:
- Heightened sense of vulnerability after loss
- Increased fear of additional losses or dangers
- Repetitive thoughts about past events or future worries
Techniques for managing anxiety:
-
Practice breath awareness:
- Focus on making your exhale longer than your inhale
- This helps calm the nervous system and reduce stress hormones
-
Grounding exercises:
- Use sensory awareness to stay present (e.g., naming objects you see, feel, or hear)
- Engage in simple, repetitive tasks to anchor yourself
-
Challenge anxious thoughts:
- Recognize that anxiety doesn't predict or prevent future events
- Practice self-trust in your ability to handle challenges as they arise
-
Seek support:
- Share your fears with trusted friends or support groups
- Consider professional help if anxiety becomes overwhelming
By acknowledging anxiety as a common grief response and employing these techniques, grieving individuals can reduce suffering and find moments of calm amidst their pain.
5. Creative practices can help process grief without fixing it
Creative practices can help you see your life, see your heart, for what it is now.
Benefits of creative expression in grief:
- Provides an outlet for complex emotions
- Allows for continued connection with the lost loved one
- Offers a way to bear witness to one's own experience
Accessible creative practices:
- Writing (journaling, poetry, letters to the deceased)
- Visual arts (drawing, painting, collage)
- Music (listening, playing, composing)
- Movement (dance, yoga, walking in nature)
Approach to creativity in grief:
- Focus on process, not product
- Allow all emotions and expressions, without judgment
- Use creativity as a form of self-care and exploration, not as a means to "solve" grief
Remember that creative practices are not meant to fix or erase grief, but to provide a way to live with it more fully and authentically.
6. Recovery in grief means integration, not moving on or getting over it
Recovery inside grief is always a moving point of balance. There isn't any end point.
Redefining recovery:
- Not about returning to "normal" or pre-loss state
- Focuses on integrating loss into a new life narrative
- Allows for ongoing connection with the deceased
Aspects of grief integration:
- Acknowledging the permanence of the loss
- Finding ways to honor and remember the deceased
- Developing new routines and relationships
- Discovering meaning and purpose in life after loss
Personal approach to integration:
- Be patient with the process; there's no timeline for grief
- Allow for fluctuations in emotions and needs
- Seek support from others who understand this perspective
- Create personal rituals or practices that feel meaningful
By reframing recovery as integration, grieving individuals can find a way forward that honors both their loss and their ongoing life.
7. Support teams should bear witness, not try to fix the griever's pain
Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to bear witness to something beautiful and terrible—and to resist the very human urge to fix it or make it right.
Effective support strategies:
- Listen without judgment
- Validate the griever's emotions and experiences
- Offer practical help (e.g., meals, childcare, household tasks)
- Remember important dates and check in regularly
Phrases to avoid:
- "At least..."
- "Everything happens for a reason"
- "You should be over this by now"
- "I know exactly how you feel"
Helpful phrases:
- "I'm here for you"
- "This must be so hard"
- "I don't know what to say, but I care"
- "Would you like to talk about [deceased's name]?"
By focusing on bearing witness rather than fixing, support teams can provide meaningful comfort and reduce additional suffering for the grieving person.
8. Finding a community of fellow grievers provides essential validation
Finding others who have shared a similar depth of pain shows you those people who understand just how alone you are.
Benefits of grief communities:
- Validation of experiences and emotions
- Reduced feelings of isolation
- Shared coping strategies and resources
- Safe space to express difficult thoughts and feelings
Types of grief communities:
- Support groups (in-person or online)
- Grief retreats or workshops
- Online forums and social media groups
- Grief-focused writing or art classes
Connecting with grief communities:
- Seek recommendations from therapists or hospice organizations
- Look for groups specific to your type of loss (e.g., loss of a child, suicide loss)
- Try different formats to find what feels most comfortable
- Remember that it's okay to take breaks or change groups as needed
While grief is ultimately a personal journey, finding a community of fellow grievers can provide essential support, understanding, and companionship along the way.
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FAQ
What's "It's OK That You're Not OK" about?
- Grief and Loss: The book addresses the experience of grief and loss, particularly in a culture that often misunderstands or dismisses these emotions.
- Personal Experience: Author Megan Devine shares her personal journey through grief after the sudden death of her partner, offering insights into the complexities of mourning.
- Cultural Critique: It critiques societal norms that push for quick recovery from grief, advocating for a more compassionate and understanding approach.
- Support and Validation: The book aims to provide validation for those grieving, emphasizing that it's okay to not be okay and that grief is a natural response to loss.
Why should I read "It's OK That You're Not OK"?
- Understanding Grief: It offers a deep understanding of grief, helping readers navigate their own or others' experiences with loss.
- Compassionate Approach: The book provides a compassionate perspective, encouraging readers to embrace their emotions rather than suppress them.
- Practical Advice: Devine offers practical advice on how to support oneself and others through grief, making it a valuable resource for anyone dealing with loss.
- Cultural Insight: It challenges cultural misconceptions about grief, promoting a more empathetic and supportive societal approach.
What are the key takeaways of "It's OK That You're Not OK"?
- Grief is Natural: Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss, not a problem to be fixed.
- Cultural Misunderstanding: Society often misunderstands grief, pushing for quick recovery and minimizing the grieving process.
- Companionship in Grief: Finding a community or tribe of others who understand grief can be crucial for healing.
- Self-Compassion: Practicing self-compassion and allowing oneself to feel and express grief is essential for navigating loss.
How does Megan Devine suggest we support someone who is grieving?
- Be Present: Show up and be present without trying to fix their pain. Acknowledge their grief and let them express it.
- Listen Without Judgment: Offer a listening ear without judgment or unsolicited advice. Validate their feelings and experiences.
- Avoid Platitudes: Avoid using clichés or platitudes that can minimize their grief, such as "everything happens for a reason."
- Practical Help: Offer practical support, like helping with daily tasks, rather than vague offers of help.
What is the "new model of grief" proposed by Megan Devine?
- Companionship, Not Correction: The new model emphasizes companionship over trying to correct or fix grief.
- Acknowledgment of Pain: It involves acknowledging the pain and allowing it to exist without rushing to make it go away.
- Cultural Shift: Devine calls for a cultural shift in how we view and handle grief, moving away from seeing it as a disorder.
- Integration, Not Overcoming: The focus is on integrating grief into life rather than overcoming it or moving on.
How does "It's OK That You're Not OK" address cultural misconceptions about grief?
- Critique of Quick Recovery: The book critiques the cultural expectation of quick recovery from grief, highlighting its unrealistic nature.
- Stages of Grief: It challenges the traditional stages of grief model, emphasizing that grief is not linear or predictable.
- Emotional Literacy: Devine discusses the lack of emotional literacy in society, which often leads to judgment and misunderstanding of grief.
- Redefining Support: The book advocates for redefining support to focus on presence and acknowledgment rather than solutions.
What are some practical exercises or tools suggested in "It's OK That You're Not OK"?
- Data Gathering: Devine suggests gathering data on what helps and what doesn't in managing grief, to identify patterns and triggers.
- Breathing Techniques: Simple breathing exercises, like lengthening the exhale, can help calm the nervous system during anxiety.
- Creative Expression: Engaging in creative practices like writing or art can provide an outlet for expressing grief.
- Self-Care Manifesto: Creating a self-care manifesto can serve as a guide for practicing kindness and compassion toward oneself.
How does Megan Devine redefine hope in the context of grief?
- Hope in Process: Devine redefines hope as a process rather than an outcome, focusing on living authentically with grief.
- Beyond Positive Outcomes: She moves away from hoping for positive outcomes, instead emphasizing hope in living with integrity and compassion.
- Integration of Grief: Hope involves integrating grief into life, allowing it to coexist with love and other emotions.
- Personal Sovereignty: Hope is about maintaining personal sovereignty and making choices that align with one's true self.
What are the best quotes from "It's OK That You're Not OK" and what do they mean?
- "Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried." This quote emphasizes that grief is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be lived with.
- "We grieve because we love. Grief is part of love." It highlights the intrinsic connection between love and grief, validating the depth of emotions experienced.
- "Acknowledgment is everything." This underscores the importance of acknowledging grief and pain as a crucial step in healing.
- "Love is the thing that lasts." It suggests that while grief is painful, love remains a constant and enduring force.
How does Megan Devine address the physical and mental effects of grief?
- Biological Impact: Grief affects the body and mind, causing symptoms like insomnia, exhaustion, and cognitive changes.
- Memory and Confusion: Memory loss and confusion are common, as the brain struggles to process the new reality of loss.
- Physical Symptoms: Grief can manifest physically, with symptoms like headaches, stomach pains, and heart palpitations.
- Self-Care Importance: Devine emphasizes the importance of self-care to support the body and mind during grief.
What role does community play in "It's OK That You're Not OK"?
- Finding a Tribe: Devine stresses the importance of finding a community or tribe of others who understand grief.
- Shared Experience: Being with others who have experienced similar losses provides validation and companionship.
- Support and Acknowledgment: Community offers support and acknowledgment, helping individuals feel less isolated in their grief.
- Creating Connection: Building connections with others in grief can be a vital part of the healing process.
How does "It's OK That You're Not OK" challenge traditional grief support methods?
- Against Quick Fixes: The book challenges traditional methods that focus on quick fixes and moving on from grief.
- Critique of Stages: It critiques the stages of grief model, advocating for a more individualized approach.
- Focus on Presence: Devine emphasizes the importance of presence and acknowledgment over advice and solutions.
- Cultural Change: The book calls for a cultural change in how we view and support grief, promoting empathy and understanding.
Review Summary
It's OK That You're Not OK receives praise for its compassionate, realistic approach to grief. Readers appreciate Devine's rejection of quick fixes and acknowledgment that grief is not a problem to be solved. Many find the book validating and helpful, especially those dealing with sudden or unexpected losses. Some criticize the author's focus on certain types of grief, while others appreciate her practical advice for both grieving individuals and those supporting them. Overall, reviewers recommend it as an insightful resource for understanding and coping with grief.
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