Is This Love or Dopamine?

1. Digital Communication is a Minefield of Nuance

The addition of one single word into a message can be the difference between securing that hallowed second date or being ghosted; between falling in love or falling into hate.

Words have power. In the digital realm, where nonverbal cues are absent, the specific words we choose carry immense weight. A seemingly innocuous word can drastically alter the tone and meaning of a message, leading to either connection or rejection. For example, swapping "intimately" for "properly" in a post-date message can transform a harmless sentiment into a creepy advance.

Context is crucial. The same word can have different meanings depending on the context. A simple "hey" can be either a casual greeting or a sign of deep consideration, depending on the sender's personality and the history of the interaction. Similarly, the word "literally" can be used for emphasis or to highlight a lack of seriousness.

Intentionality matters. The words we choose reveal our intentions, whether consciously or unconsciously. A man who uses "NGL" in his first message is likely to be perceived as passive-aggressive, while someone who uses asterisks to describe actions is likely to be seen as creepy.

2. Online Laughter Reveals Hidden Personalities

Instead of echoing the childlike feeling of a real-life giggle, the emotions associated with virtual expressions of laughter in fact range from curt indifference (‘LOL’) to completely unhinged levels of creepiness (‘tee-hee’).

Digital laughter is diverse. The way we express laughter online is far from uniform. From the simple "haha" to the more complex "LMAO," each expression carries its own unique connotations and reveals something about the sender's personality. For example, "haha" is often used by older generations, while "ahah" can be a sign of passive-aggression.

"Hehe" and "teehee" are red flags. These expressions of laughter are often associated with creepiness and should be avoided in romantic contexts. They evoke images of villains and unsettling characters, making them unsuitable for flirting or sexting.

"LOL" and its variations. "LOL" is a versatile expression that can be used to convey genuine amusement, self-deprecation, or a last-ditch attempt to add humor to a message. "LMAO" is a more intense expression of laughter, while "LMFAO" is generally considered to be a failed attempt at humor.

3. Emojis: A Language of Subtle Seduction and Deception

Emojis are beautiful things. Not as beautiful as, like, an ocean sunset or a baby deer helping another baby deer learn how to walk, but still: in comparison to the monotony of the monochrome smartphone text that rules so much of our lives, they are relatively pleasant to look at.

Emojis are not neutral. While they may seem like simple visual aids, emojis carry a lot of emotional baggage. They can be used to convey a wide range of emotions, from joy and love to sarcasm and deception. The "smirking face" emoji, for example, is often used to convey sexual innuendo.

The crying-with-laughter emoji is overused. Despite being the world's most-used emoji, the crying-with-laughter emoji is often used inappropriately, diluting its meaning and making it a one-size-fits-all solution to laughter. It can also be seen as smug and insincere.

Tongue emojis are often sexualized. Emojis involving tongues have been co-opted as accomplices in the relentless mission to express horniness. They are often used in sexting and can be seen as aggressive and misogynistic.

4. Dating App Profiles: A Showcase of Human Absurdity

The modern dating app profile is a very reductive thing.

Profiles are reductive. Dating app profiles are inherently reductive, forcing us to condense our complex personalities into a few photos and a short bio. This often leads to stereotypes and a lack of genuine connection.

Bad profiles are the norm. Most dating app profiles are, without fail, very bad. They often contain clichés, cringe-worthy attempts at humor, and a general lack of self-awareness. Even seemingly "good" profiles can be uninspiring and fail to capture the essence of the person behind them.

The "honest" profile. Some people try to be "honest" in their profiles by being overly blunt or self-deprecating. While this may seem refreshing, it often comes across as cynical and off-putting.

5. The Many Faces of the Online Dater

This bit is where the real fun starts to happen – welcome to the party.

Softbois are complex. Softbois are men who portray themselves as "not like the other men," often using alternative culture and faux emotional intelligence to attract partners. They can range from wholesome and well-intentioned to manipulative and emotionally abusive.

Fuckboys are timeless. Fuckboys are men who use people for sex with little to no regard for their feelings. They have adapted to the digital age, using dating apps and social media to their advantage.

Nice guys are not nice. Nice guys are men who present themselves as kind and respectful, but often have ulterior motives and a sense of entitlement. They often use manipulative tactics to get what they want.

6. First Messages: A Tightrope Walk Between Bland and Bizarre

You have about 0.4 seconds to make a good impression when ‘popping up’ on a dating app, before whoever you sent the message to inevitably ignores the notification.

First impressions matter. The first message on a dating app is crucial for making a good impression. You have very little time to capture someone's attention and avoid being ignored.

The "passive" vs. "active" message. A passive message is a statement that prompts no reply, while an active message asks a direct question. A combination of both can be effective, but it's important to avoid being too weird or intense.

Bad jokes are risky. While bad jokes can be charming in person, they often fall flat over text. They can be misinterpreted or overanalyzed, leading to awkwardness and rejection.

7. Sexting: A Minefield of Missteps and Missed Opportunities

You’re in the Sext Zone now, son (and by the ‘Sext Zone’, I mean an exchange of sexual messages between two or more consenting parties.

Consent is key. Sexting should always be consensual and respectful. Begging for nudes or using someone's feminist beliefs to blackmail them is never acceptable.

Avoid crying and begging. Mentioning crying or begging for nudes is a major turn-off. Instead, focus on positive and confident language.

Don't overthink it. Sexting should be fun and spontaneous. Don't spend too much time thinking of synonyms or trying to be too clever. Just be yourself and enjoy the moment.

8. The Lonely Pilgrims: Conversations with Oneself

These screenshots – these bold, brave self-interactions – are not pathetic; in fact, they are rare, beautiful glimpses into a modern human being’s stream of consciousness.

Unreciprocated messages reveal inner thoughts. When someone sends a series of messages without receiving a reply, they are essentially having a conversation with themselves. These conversations can reveal a lot about their emotions, insecurities, and thought processes.

Emotions on display. These self-conversations often showcase a range of emotions, from optimism and desire to regret and bitterness. They are a raw and unfiltered glimpse into the human psyche.

The importance of self-awareness. While these conversations can be entertaining, they also highlight the importance of self-awareness and emotional regulation. It's important to be mindful of how our actions and words affect others, even in the digital realm.

9. Long Messages: A Recipe for Muted Exam Dread

When a message like this is sent, the intensity of the conversation ramps up, instantly and by at least 400–500 per cent.

Long messages are overwhelming. Receiving a long, essay-like message can trigger a sense of "muted exam dread," making the recipient feel overwhelmed and exhausted. It disrupts the natural flow of conversation and can be off-putting.

Keep it short and sweet. In the digital age, where attention spans are short, it's important to keep messages concise and to the point. Avoid lengthy monologues and focus on clear and direct communication.

Exceptions to the rule. There are some exceptions to the rule of keeping messages short, such as when providing practical information or sharing detailed accounts of dramatic events. However, these exceptions should be used sparingly.

10. Ghosting: The Modern Art of Digital Disappearance

Ghosting: the act of one person not replying to another person in an online conversation, resulting in the unexpected termination of the relationship.

Ghosting is hurtful. Being ghosted can be a very upsetting experience, making people question their self-worth and the validity of their experiences. It can trigger feelings of confusion, rejection, and self-doubt.

The word "ghosting" is dumb. The word "ghosting" is an infuriatingly dumb term that trivializes the pain and confusion that it causes. It sounds like a made-up word from a B-list high school drama.

Avoid ghosting. The best way to avoid the pain of ghosting is to be open and honest in your communication. If you're not interested in continuing a relationship, take the time to let the other person know.

11. Relationships: A Blend of Shared Laughter and Vulnerability

My favourite thing is having someone to tell the contents of my brain to.

Relationships provide a safe space. Relationships offer a safe space to share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment. They provide a sense of security and belonging.

Laughter is essential. Shared laughter is a crucial component of a healthy relationship. It allows us to connect with our partners on a deeper level and find joy in the everyday moments.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Relationships allow us to see the beauty in our partners, both inside and out. They provide a sense of appreciation and admiration.

12. Breakups: A Masterclass in What Not to Do

The reality of a break-up is usually a lot more painful than the way it happens.

Avoid insults. When breaking up with someone, avoid insulting them or making them feel bad about themselves. Focus on being respectful and compassionate.

Keep it short. Breakups should be relatively short and to the point. Avoid dragging them out with long, rambling explanations or attempts to soften the blow.

Bullet points are bad. Breaking up with someone using bullet points is a sign of emotional detachment and a lack of respect. It makes the process feel cold and impersonal.

Last updated: January 31, 2025