How to Be the Love You Seek

1. Childhood trauma shapes adult relationships through nervous system programming

Our earliest relationships and environments have the biggest impact on how accurately our subconscious interprets social behavior.

Childhood experiences wire our nervous system. Our earliest relationships, especially with parent figures, physically shape our nervous system development. This programming determines how we'll think, feel, and act in relationships throughout our lives. Even subtle forms of emotional neglect or inconsistent support can create trauma, as the child's developing brain and body learn to stay in a state of hypervigilance.

Trauma bonds keep us stuck. As adults, we subconsciously seek out and recreate familiar relational patterns that mirror our earliest attachments. These trauma bonds don't serve our best interests but feel safe because they're neurobiologically familiar. We may find ourselves attracted to partners who trigger our old wounds or recreate dysfunctional dynamics from childhood.

Healing requires rewiring. To break free from trauma bonds, we must regulate our nervous system and create new neural pathways. This involves becoming aware of our conditioned responses, practicing self-soothing techniques, and gradually exposing ourselves to healthier relational experiences. As we heal, we become capable of forming secure, authentic connections.

2. Ego stories and conditioned selves drive dysfunctional relationship patterns

Our ego story was created by our subconscious to help us cope with the unmet needs that caused us to believe that we're not worthy.

Ego stories distort reality. Our subconscious mind creates narratives to make sense of our childhood experiences and protect us from pain. These ego stories become deeply ingrained, filtering our perceptions and driving our behaviors in relationships. Common themes include feeling unlovable, unworthy, or destined for abandonment.

Conditioned selves limit authenticity. To cope with childhood trauma, we develop conditioned selves – roles we play to feel safe and loved. These include:

• Caretaker: Gains worth through meeting others' needs
• Overachiever: Seeks constant validation and perfection
• Underachiever: Hides to avoid judgment
• Rescuer/Protector: Finds purpose in saving others
• Life of the Party: Avoids uncomfortable emotions
• Yes Person: Agrees to everything, neglecting own needs
• Hero Worshiper: Idealizes others, dismissing own worth

Witnessing breaks the cycle. By developing awareness of our ego stories and conditioned selves, we can begin to make new choices. This involves compassionately observing our patterns without judgment and gradually introducing more authentic ways of being.

3. Body consciousness and nervous system regulation are foundational to healing

To reconnect with your heart and being in a state of coherence enables us to access our inherent creativity and more easily enter a "flow state," becoming totally immersed in a project, hobby, conversation, or whatever's happening in the moment.

The body holds the key. Our physical sensations play a crucial role in our emotional life, communicating our body's ongoing assessment of safety to our brain. Many of us are disconnected from our bodies due to past trauma, making it difficult to regulate our emotions and feel safe in relationships.

Nervous system regulation creates safety. When our nervous system is dysregulated, we're stuck in survival mode, unable to authentically connect. Practices to regulate the nervous system include:

• Deep belly breathing
• Grounding exercises in nature
• Prioritizing nutrient-dense foods and sleep
• Regular movement and exercise
• Boundary-setting

Interoception builds emotional intelligence. As we develop body consciousness, we become more attuned to our physical sensations and their emotional meanings. This allows us to make conscious choices about how we want to feel and show up in our relationships, rather than being driven by unconscious reactions.

4. Heart coherence enables authentic connection and intuitive decision-making

Our heart is impacted by a sensory system that registers changes from moment to moment as our energy shifts in interaction with the things and people around us.

The heart's hidden power. Our physical heart is more than just a pump; it's the seat of our intuition and a powerful electromagnetic field generator. When our heart and brain are in coherence, we can sense our environment more accurately and make decisions aligned with our authentic selves.

Heart coherence benefits:

• Increased stress resilience
• Enhanced emotional regulation
• Improved cognitive performance
• Heightened intuition and creativity
• Greater empathy and compassion

Cultivating heart consciousness. Practices to develop heart coherence include:

• Focusing on core heart feelings like gratitude and compassion
• Heart-centered meditation
• Regular coherence-building exercises (e.g., HeartMath techniques)
• Aligning daily choices with heart-based wisdom

5. Co-regulation allows partners to create safety and deepen their bond

Co-regulation, the interpersonal and physiological process of using the state of our nervous system to connect and shift the physiological state of another's nervous system.

We are wired to connect. Humans are inherently social beings, with our nervous systems designed to communicate and synchronize with others. This ability to co-regulate is foundational for creating emotional safety and security in relationships.

Co-regulation techniques:

• Synchronized breathing
• Physical touch (hugging, hand-holding)
• Eye contact
• Mirroring body language
• Shared mindfulness practices

Benefits of co-regulation:

• Increased feelings of safety and trust
• Enhanced emotional intimacy
• Improved conflict resolution
• Greater resilience as a couple
• Modeling healthy regulation for children

6. Empowerment consciousness fosters interdependence in relationships

When we're empowered, we don't let others treat us any way they choose. We feel safe and secure enough to leave the room or take the space we need without worrying about whether it will cause a break in our connection.

From codependence to interdependence. Empowerment consciousness allows us to honor our own needs while respecting others' autonomy. This creates relationships where both partners can authentically express themselves and support each other's growth.

Key aspects of empowered relationships:

• Clear communication of needs and boundaries
• Taking responsibility for one's own emotions
• Allowing space for individual interests and growth
• Collaborative problem-solving
• Mutual support without enmeshment

Cultivating empowerment. This involves developing self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, and learning to trust one's own intuition. As we become more empowered, we naturally attract and create healthier relationship dynamics.

7. Individual healing contributes to collective consciousness and global wellbeing

We as individuals can begin to use the peaceful state of our own body to impact the bodies of those around us.

We are all connected. Our individual state of coherence or dysregulation affects not only our immediate relationships but ripples out to impact the collective consciousness. Research has shown that focused group intentions can measurably influence crime rates, conflict zones, and even global events.

The power of coherent groups. When individuals come together in a state of heart coherence, their combined energetic field can create powerful positive effects. This has been demonstrated in studies on meditation, prayer, and intentional focus groups.

Being the change. By prioritizing our own healing and coherence, we contribute to the wellbeing of the entire planet. Practices that support both individual and collective coherence include:

• Regular meditation or mindfulness practice
• Cultivating compassion and gratitude
• Engaging in service or volunteer work
• Participating in coherence-building group activities
• Spending time in nature and connecting with the Earth's natural rhythms

Last updated: January 23, 2025