How to Be Enough

1. Perfectionism Isn't About Perfection, It's About Never Feeling Enough

Instead, it’s about never feeling good enough.

The illusion of perfection. Perfectionism isn't a quest for flawlessness; it's a relentless cycle of self-doubt and inadequacy. Even when external achievements are impressive, the internal experience is one of constant striving and never measuring up to self-imposed standards. This creates a disconnect between outward success and inward satisfaction.

The cost of high standards. While high standards can drive achievement, they become detrimental when they're tied to self-worth. This creates a contingency where one's value as a person is dependent on meeting unrealistic expectations. The result is a life lived under constant pressure, leading to burnout, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self.

The rising tide of perfectionism. Studies show that perfectionism is on the rise, particularly among young people. This trend is fueled by societal pressures, social media, and a culture that often equates worth with achievement. Recognizing this societal influence is the first step in challenging its hold on our lives.

2. Conscientiousness Can Tip into Unhelpful Perfectionism

Conscientiousness is deeply rooted; the word dates from the 1600s and distills down to conscience, our inner sense of right and wrong.

Conscientiousness as a double-edged sword. Conscientiousness, characterized by diligence, responsibility, and a strong work ethic, is a valuable trait. However, it can morph into unhelpful perfectionism when it becomes rigid and demanding, leading to self-criticism and over-identification with performance.

The core elements of clinical perfectionism:

• A hypercritical relationship with oneself, focusing on flaws rather than strengths.
• An over-identification with meeting personally demanding standards, linking self-worth to performance.

Three boats of perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism (being hard on oneself), other-oriented perfectionism (being hard on others), and socially prescribed perfectionism (feeling others are hard on you) each contribute to the overall burden of perfectionism. Socially prescribed perfectionism is the most toxic and rapidly increasing form.

3. Perfectionism Manifests in Many Ways

Just like a salad can be anything from panzanella to Caesar to Jell-O, perfectionism, too, has endlessly different manifestations.

No two perfectionists are alike. While perfectionism shares common threads, it expresses itself uniquely in each individual. Some focus on details, others on control, and still others on presenting a flawless image. Recognizing these individual patterns is key to addressing perfectionism effectively.

Common tendencies of perfectionism:

• Hypercritical self-assessment
• Over-identification with performance
• Adherence to rigid rules
• Focus on mistakes
• Procrastination
• Comparison to others
• Emotional control

The flowchart of perfectionism. The cycle of perfectionism involves personally demanding standards, all-or-nothing self-judgment, avoidance, overevaluation, and self-criticism. Understanding this cycle helps to identify points of intervention.

4. Perfectionism's Roots Lie in Family and Culture

During our time growing up under our parents’ roofs, we soak in their rules, standards, and expectations like a plugged watermelon.

Family environments and perfectionism. Family dynamics play a significant role in the development of perfectionism. Anxious rearing, contingent approval, chaotic environments, and modeling perfectionistic behavior all contribute to a child's tendency to be hard on themselves.

Four family models:

• Anxious rearing: Overprotective parents instill a preoccupation with correctness.
• Social expectations: Approval is contingent on achievement.
• Social reaction: Chaotic families lead to a need for control.
• Social learning: Perfectionistic parents model perfectionistic behavior.

Cultural influences. Beyond family, cultural forces such as a culture of evaluation, social media, the pressure to "live your best life," and intolerance of negative emotions all contribute to the rise of perfectionism. Systemic inequality also plays a role, as marginalized groups may feel pressure to overachieve to prove their worth.

5. Self-Criticism Serves a Purpose, But Kindness Works Better

Therefore, the challenge is not “How do I stop criticizing myself?” You will still expect a lot of yourself—it’s what type A brains do.

The illusion of benefit. Self-criticism often masquerades as a tool for self-improvement, ego control, or protection from external judgment. However, it ultimately leads to isolation, burnout, and chronic dissatisfaction.

The six reasons for self-criticism:

• To facilitate self-improvement
• To keep egos in check
• To avoid others' criticism
• To lower others' expectations
• To gain a feeling of control
• To gain reassurance

From self-criticism to self-compassion. The key is not to eliminate high standards but to replace self-criticism with self-compassion. This involves treating oneself with kindness, recognizing shared humanity, and practicing mindful awareness of one's own suffering.

6. Over-Identifying with Performance Obstructs a Meaningful Life

Our evaluation of ourselves as a person is contingent upon our performance.

The trap of "I am what I do." Over-identifying with performance leads to a life where self-worth is constantly on the line. This creates a cycle of anxiety, pressure, and a diminished sense of self.

The search for acceptance. The drive to overachieve often stems from a deep-seated desire for acceptance and connection. However, the constant striving can paradoxically get in the way of forming genuine relationships.

Shifting the focus to values. A more fulfilling path involves shifting the focus from performance to living a meaningful life guided by personal values. This means prioritizing relationships, purpose, and enjoyment over external validation.

7. Rules Provide Certainty, But Flexibility Provides Freedom

Uphold your integrity but take chances. Be open to change and serendipity rather than being confined by a rigid set of rules.

The allure of rules. Rigid rules provide a sense of certainty and control in a chaotic world. However, they can also lead to inflexibility, resentment, and a diminished sense of autonomy.

The four types of families:

• Anxious rearing: Overprotective parents instill a preoccupation with correctness.
• Social expectations: Approval is contingent on achievement.
• Social reaction: Chaotic families lead to a need for control.
• Social learning: Perfectionistic parents model perfectionistic behavior.

Rewriting the Inner Rulebook. The key is to identify and challenge rigid rules, replacing them with more flexible guidelines that align with personal values. This involves questioning the necessity, realism, and context of each rule.

8. Mistakes Are Inevitable, Holding On Is Optional

Mistakes feel like personal failures; they indicate something negative about my character.

The peanut allergy to mistakes. Those with perfectionism often have an extreme reaction to mistakes, viewing them as personal failings rather than learning opportunities. This can lead to defensiveness, self-blame, and a reluctance to take risks.

The cringe attack. A special breed of mistake is fodder for the cringe attack, which is when our brains, without asking, decide to sucker punch us with a flashbulb memory of a past humiliating or awkward moment.

It's not you, it's your expectations. The problem isn't the mistakes themselves, but the unrealistic expectations that make them feel so devastating. Rethinking these expectations is key to developing self-compassion and resilience.

9. Procrastination Isn't About Time, It's About Emotion

Procrastination itself isn’t a diagnosis, but a meta-analysis of 284 different studies reiterated the link between perfectionism and depression, eating disorders, social anxiety, OCD, and non-suicidal self-injury.

Procrastination as emotion management. Procrastination is not primarily a time management issue, but a coping mechanism for dealing with negative emotions. Aversive tasks trigger feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, and self-doubt, which procrastination temporarily alleviates.

The procrastination parfait. The triggers for procrastination are as intricate as the Kardashian family tree. We stack additional layers on top, each one adding its own dose of negative emotion that requires repair before we get started.

Breaking the cycle. To overcome procrastination, it's essential to address the underlying emotions. This involves practicing self-compassion, breaking tasks into smaller steps, and connecting with one's future self.

10. Comparison Steals Contentment, Authenticity Fosters Connection

Comparing myself to people I know makes me feel separate or alone.

The inevitability of comparison. Social comparison is a natural human tendency, but it can become toxic when it fuels feelings of inadequacy or superiority. Social media exacerbates this problem by presenting curated versions of reality.

Upward and downward comparison. Upward comparison (comparing oneself to those perceived as better off) can lead to envy and insecurity, while downward comparison (comparing oneself to those perceived as worse off) can lead to smugness and disconnection.

From comparison to contentment. The key is to shift the focus from external validation to internal values. This involves cultivating self-acceptance, practicing gratitude, and focusing on personal growth rather than social standing.

11. Emotional Control Can Hinder Genuine Expression

If you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want will be the sacrifice.

The pressure to be "appropriate." Emotional perfectionism involves the belief that one should always feel or express certain emotions (e.g., happiness, control) and avoid others (e.g., sadness, anger). This can lead to suppression and a disconnect from one's authentic self.

The Nice Face and the Strong Face. Those who are hard on themselves often adopt a "Nice Face" (overly agreeable) or "Strong Face" (emotionally stoic) to project an image of competence and control. However, this can come across as disingenuous and hinder genuine connection.

From control to authenticity. The key is to allow oneself to experience and express a full range of emotions, even negative ones. This involves challenging the belief that certain emotions are "wrong" and embracing vulnerability as a pathway to deeper connection.

Last updated: March 8, 2025