Healing the Wounded Heart

1. Sexual Harm is Pervasive and Often Minimized

But sex is more than sex, and sexual harm is more than a mere violation.

Normalization of Abuse. Our culture often dismisses or minimizes various forms of sexual harm, including date rape, sexting, and unwanted advances, leading to a lack of recognition and support for victims. The insidious nature of this normalization makes it difficult for individuals to identify and address the abuse they have experienced.

Subtle and Extensive Harm. Sexual abuse is often far more subtle and extensive than most people realize, with many individuals experiencing some form of assault against their gender or genitalia. This can range from obvious and severe instances to subtle and normalized behaviors that are difficult to categorize as abuse.

Cultural Shift Needed. A cultural shift is needed to recognize the pervasive nature of sexual harm and to provide support and resources for victims. This includes challenging the normalization of pornography, addressing sexual harassment in schools, and promoting healthy attitudes toward sexuality and relationships.

2. Evil Intentionally Corrupts God's Design for Sex

Sex is God’s idea, and he delights in the sensual pleasure and soul intimacy that grow when one gives fully from the heart to pleasure and be pleasured by one’s covenant lover.

God's Delight in Sex. God created sex as a sacred and sensual gift, meant to be enjoyed within the context of a loving, committed relationship. It is a source of pleasure, intimacy, and connection that reflects God's own love for humanity.

Satan's Perversion. Satan, as God's enemy, despises sexual joy and actively seeks to corrupt and mar it through sexual abuse and exploitation. This is because sex has the power to touch the deepest dimension of what it means to be human and alive to God.

Combating Evil's Plan. To combat evil's plan, it is essential to reclaim a biblical understanding of sex as a sacred and pleasurable gift, while also recognizing and addressing the ways in which it has been perverted and exploited. This includes promoting healthy attitudes toward sexuality, challenging the normalization of pornography, and providing support for victims of sexual abuse.

3. Trauma Resides in the Body, Long After Abuse Ends

Mountains of evidence now demonstrate with unshakeable certainty that the body suffers from abuse and trauma well after it has ended.

Mind-Body Connection. The mind and body are intimately connected, and trauma from sexual abuse can have long-lasting effects on physical health. This includes chronic emotional upheaval, frequent illness, and even grave disease.

Physiological Dysregulation. Trauma can disrupt the body's natural stress response system, leading to chronic stress and dysregulation in various bodily systems, including the respiratory, digestive, metabolic, endocrine, cardiovascular, immune, and reproductive systems. This dysregulation can manifest as autoimmune diseases, inflammation, and accelerated aging.

Restoring Shalom. To restore shalom, or wholeness, it is essential to address the physical effects of trauma through practices such as sleep, healthy eating, exercise, sunlight, prayer, gratitude, kindness, social support, mindfulness, body work, aromatherapy, supplements, and medication. This requires a holistic approach that considers the interconnectedness of the body, mind, heart, and soul.

4. Unaddressed Shame and Contempt Perpetuate Harm

The abuser’s tactic is always the same: groom, arouse, shame, and condemn.

Cycle of Abuse. Abusers groom their victims by reading their desires and offering what is lacking in their lives. This leads to arousal, which is then followed by shame and condemnation, perpetuating a cycle of self-harm.

Shame and Hiding. Shame demands hiding and isolation, making it difficult for victims to seek help or to connect with others. It also leads to self-contempt, which is a form of spiritual, relational, and intrapsychic violence.

Breaking the Cycle. To break the cycle of abuse, it is essential to address the underlying shame and contempt through faith, hope, and love. This includes becoming more awake, articulate, and story-sensitive, refusing to participate in the repetitive reenactment of despair, and engaging the accusations of shame with courage.

5. Covert Abuse Leaves Insidious, Lingering Wounds

The more subtle the abuse (especially in a life with far more overt harm), the more likely it is ignored, denied, or minimized.

Subtlety and Denial. Covert forms of sexual abuse, such as emotional incest and exposure to pornography, are often ignored, denied, or minimized, making it difficult for victims to recognize and address the harm they have experienced. The normalization of these behaviors can lead to a sense of confusion and self-doubt.

Emotional Incest. Emotional incest involves boundary violations, enmeshed intimacy, and resentment from other family members. It can manifest as critical and demeaning behavior, dependence and fragility, sensual and sexualizing interactions, or infantilizing and hyperprotective actions.

Pornography's Impact. Exposure to pornography, whether through sexual drama, accidental discovery, or haphazard placement, can have a profound impact on children and young adults. It can lead to sexualization, desensitization, and a distorted view of sexuality and relationships.

6. Men Face Unique Challenges in Acknowledging Abuse

A true man is independent, in control, and masters his world; a true man is eager for and always bent on initiating sex; and a true man is logical, not emotional, and focused on the external world.

Societal Expectations. Men face unique challenges in acknowledging and addressing sexual abuse due to societal expectations that define masculinity as independent, in control, sexually assertive, and emotionally stoic. These expectations can make it difficult for men to admit vulnerability, seek help, or express their emotions.

Internalized Shame. Abused men often struggle with internalized shame, questioning their masculinity and fearing judgment from others. They may also experience confusion and guilt related to arousal during the abuse, leading to self-blame and self-contempt.

Breaking the Silence. To break the silence surrounding male sexual abuse, it is essential to challenge traditional notions of masculinity and to create safe spaces for men to share their stories and seek support. This includes addressing the unique challenges men face in relationships, sexuality, and addiction.

7. Reenactments Trap Victims in Cycles of Despair

Reenactment is being bound to a loop, a repetitive pattern of living out the unaddressed and unresolved harm of the past.

Repetitive Patterns. Victims of sexual abuse often find themselves trapped in repetitive patterns of reenactment, reliving the trauma in their relationships, sexual behaviors, and addictions. These reenactments serve as a way to manage the unaddressed harm of the past, but they ultimately perpetuate the cycle of despair.

Dissociation and Indulgence. Reenactments often involve dissociation, a deep inner disconnection from reality, and indulgence in addictive behaviors, such as substance abuse, overeating, or sexual acting out. These behaviors provide temporary relief from the pain of the past, but they ultimately lead to more shame and self-contempt.

Breaking the Cycle. To break the cycle of reenactment, it is essential to become more awake, articulate, and story-sensitive, refusing to participate in the repetitive patterns of despair. This requires challenging habitual reenactments with boldness, honesty, and kindness, and embracing the courage God has given us through the gift of the resurrection.

8. Kindness is the Catalyst for Healing and Transformation

It is the love of God that called Jesus to become the one to bear the full weight of all the accusations and debts claimed against us.

God's Kindness. The kindness of God is the central force that can break the power of evil and lead to healing and transformation. It is the love of God that called Jesus to bear the full weight of all the accusations and debts claimed against us.

Qualities of Kindness. Kindness is not merely niceness or politeness; it is a deep, transformative force that touches the heart, is unexpected, and is undeserved. It involves hospitality, welcoming with open arms, receiving with pleasure, and honoring the other with goodness.

Practical Application. To cultivate kindness, it is essential to become more awake, articulate, and story-sensitive, refusing to participate in the repetitive reenactment of despair, and engaging the accusations of shame with courage. This requires a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to receive the love and grace of God.

9. Blessing, Not Cursing, Reclaims Stolen Joy

Evil works to gain access to our heart through our desire to curse.

Evil's Strategy. Evil seeks to gain access to our hearts through our desire to curse, reversing the beauty of creation and turning every lovely green garden into a wasteland. This involves shaming our sexuality, fostering self-contempt, and leading us to make vows that bind us to the kingdom of darkness.

The Power of Blessing. To counter evil's strategy, it is essential to bless what God blesses and curse what he curses. This involves reclaiming our sexuality, embracing our bodies, and renouncing the shame and contempt that have been imposed upon us.

Practical Steps. To bless our lives, we must become more awake, articulate, and story-sensitive, refusing to participate in the repetitive reenactment of despair, and engaging the accusations of shame with courage. This requires a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to receive the love and grace of God.

10. Forgiveness Frees Victims from the Abuser's Grasp

We are to be clothed in the armaments of God in order to expose the schemes of the devil.

Breaking Bondage. Forgiveness is not merely a feeling or an act of will; it is a spiritual act that breaks the bondage that ties us to our abusers and to the kingdom of darkness. It involves releasing our resentment, anger, and hatred, and choosing to extend grace and compassion to those who have harmed us.

Authority Over Evil. As followers of Christ, we have been given authority over powers, authorities, and principalities. We are to use this authority to resist the devil and to loosen the bondage that weds us to our abusers through resentment and contempt.

Practical Steps. To forgive, it is essential to become more awake, articulate, and story-sensitive, refusing to participate in the repetitive reenactment of despair, and engaging the accusations of shame with courage. This requires a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to receive the love and grace of God.

11. The Kingdom of God Offers a Path to Wholeness

The kingdom of God is a good story that reverses expectation and reveals the surprising complexity and goodness of the coming King.

Reversal of Expectations. The kingdom of God is a good story that reverses expectations and reveals the surprising complexity and goodness of the coming King. It is a story of grace, mercy, and redemption that offers hope to those who have been broken and scarred by sexual abuse.

Prophetic, Priestly, and Kingly Roles. As followers of Christ, we are called to live out the kingdom in our own lives, becoming prophets, priests, and kings/queens in our own spheres of influence. This involves speaking truth, offering care, and exercising authority in ways that reflect the love and justice of God.

Practical Steps. To live out the kingdom, it is essential to become more awake, articulate, and story-sensitive, refusing to participate in the repetitive reenactment of despair, and engaging the accusations of shame with courage. This requires a commitment to honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to receive the love and grace of God.

Last updated: March 1, 2025