Forgiveness is a Choice

1. Forgiveness is a Choice, Not an Obligation

Forgiving is a risk, because we don’t always know what the results of our forgiveness will be.

Empowerment through choice. Forgiveness is not a mandate but a conscious decision, liberating the individual from the chains of resentment. It's a recognition of one's right to be treated with respect, acknowledging the pain caused by another's actions. This choice empowers the individual to reclaim control over their emotional well-being, rather than remaining a victim of past hurts.

Beyond societal expectations. While some religions or philosophies may advocate forgiveness, the ultimate decision rests with the individual. This freedom to choose allows for a more genuine and meaningful act of forgiveness, rather than a forced or insincere gesture. It's about personal healing and liberation, not adhering to external pressures.

Risk and uncertainty. The act of forgiving involves inherent risks, as the outcome is never guaranteed. The offender may not change, and the relationship may not be restored. However, the potential for personal transformation and freedom from anger makes the risk worthwhile.

2. Understanding Forgiveness: Beyond Excusing or Condoning

Forgiving means admitting that what was done was wrong and should not be repeated.

Distinguishing forgiveness from acceptance. Forgiveness is not about minimizing the offense or pretending it didn't happen. It's about acknowledging the wrong, validating the hurt, and choosing to release the resentment. It doesn't require accepting continued abuse or excusing the offender's behavior.

Forgiveness vs. forgetting. The human brain is wired to remember painful experiences, and forgiveness doesn't erase those memories. Instead, it changes the way we relate to those memories, diminishing their emotional power and preventing them from controlling our present.

A moral act, not a negotiation. Forgiveness is not a bargaining chip or a tool for manipulating others. It's a unilateral act of grace, offered without expectation of reciprocation. It's about freeing oneself from the burden of anger, not controlling the offender's actions.

3. The Healing Power of Forgiveness: Releasing Anger's Grip

Our hatred affects us emotionally more than it affects the one who hurt us.

Anger's destructive cycle. Unresolved anger and resentment can create a vortex of negative emotions, leading to depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behaviors. It can poison relationships, erode physical health, and prevent personal growth. Forgiveness offers a way out of this destructive cycle.

Benefits for the forgiver. Scientific studies have shown that forgiveness can reduce anxiety and depression, increase self-esteem and hopefulness, and improve overall psychological well-being. It's a gift to oneself, freeing the individual from the bondage of anger and resentment.

Breaking the chain of bitterness. Forgiveness can prevent the transmission of anger and bitterness to future generations. By choosing to forgive, individuals can break the cycle of resentment and create a more positive legacy for their children and grandchildren.

4. Uncovering Anger: The First Step Towards Freedom

The first step in forgiving is recognizing that you are angry and, surprisingly, for some people this may be the hardest step.

Acknowledging the emotion. The initial phase of forgiveness involves confronting and acknowledging the anger and resentment stemming from the offense. This can be a challenging step, as many people suppress or deny their anger, often due to guilt, shame, or fear of confrontation.

Defense mechanisms. People often employ defense mechanisms like denial, suppression, displacement, or regression to avoid dealing with their anger. These mechanisms may provide temporary relief, but they ultimately hinder the healing process.

Facing the depth of anger. Uncovering anger requires an honest assessment of its intensity, duration, and impact on one's life. It involves recognizing the specific ways in which anger has manifested, whether through self-destructive behaviors, strained relationships, or physical ailments.

5. The Journey of Forgiveness: A Four-Phase Process

Forgiveness is a process.

A structured approach. The forgiveness process is not a one-time event but a journey with distinct phases and guideposts. This structured approach provides a roadmap for navigating the complex emotions and challenges involved in forgiving.

The four phases:

• Uncovering Anger: Acknowledging and understanding the depth of one's anger and resentment.
• Deciding to Forgive: Making a conscious choice to embark on the path of forgiveness.
• Working on Forgiveness: Actively engaging in the process of understanding, empathy, and compassion.
• Discovery and Release: Experiencing the transformative effects of forgiveness, including freedom, meaning, and purpose.

Individualized experience. The forgiveness process is unique to each individual, and the order and emphasis of the guideposts may vary. It's a personal journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to adapt.

6. Gaining Perspective: Empathy and Understanding the Offender

By examining her mother’s background, Harriet was able to see that her mother, like everyone else, is “inevitably caught up in the effects of their experiences and possessed both good and bad qualities.”

Shifting the focus. A crucial step in the forgiveness process involves shifting the focus from oneself to the offender. This requires an attempt to understand the offender's background, motivations, and circumstances.

Empathy and compassion. By gaining perspective, it becomes possible to develop empathy and compassion for the offender, recognizing their humanity and acknowledging their own struggles and vulnerabilities. This doesn't excuse their actions, but it allows for a more nuanced understanding.

Separating the person from the act. It's important to distinguish between the offender and their offense. While the act may be reprehensible, the offender is still a human being worthy of respect and compassion. This separation allows for forgiveness without condoning the wrong.

7. The Gift of Forgiveness: Compassion, Benevolence, and Love

If you want to be free of anger and resentment, give the person who hurt you a gift.

Extending compassion. Forgiveness involves offering the offender compassion, benevolence, and love, even though they may not deserve it. This is not about condoning their actions, but about recognizing their shared humanity.

Choosing an appropriate response. The gift of forgiveness can take many forms, depending on the circumstances. It may involve refraining from disparaging remarks, offering a prayer for the offender, or simply wishing them well.

Conquering evil with good. By offering compassion and love, the forgiver can transform the relationship with the offender and break the cycle of resentment. This act of grace can lead to healing and reconciliation, both for the forgiver and the forgiven.

8. Reconciliation: Rebuilding Trust and Relationships

Forgiving is one step in the process toward reconciliation.

Forgiveness as a foundation. Reconciliation, the act of restoring a broken relationship, is often the ultimate goal of forgiveness. However, it's important to recognize that reconciliation is not always possible or desirable.

Trust and communication. Reconciliation requires a renewal of trust and open communication between both parties. It involves rewriting the contract of the relationship, establishing new boundaries, and addressing the underlying issues that led to the offense.

Mutual effort. Reconciliation is a two-way street, requiring effort and commitment from both the forgiver and the forgiven. If the offender remains unrepentant or unwilling to change, reconciliation may be impossible.

9. Helping Children Forgive: A Legacy of Healing

Without forgiveness there is no future.

Teaching forgiveness early. Instilling the values of forgiveness in children can help them develop emotional resilience and break the cycle of resentment. This involves teaching them about empathy, compassion, and the importance of letting go of anger.

Age-appropriate approaches. The way forgiveness is taught should be tailored to the child's developmental stage. Younger children may need concrete examples and stories, while older children can engage in more abstract discussions.

Modeling forgiveness. Parents can model forgiveness by asking for forgiveness when they have wronged their children and by openly forgiving others. This demonstrates the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions and extending grace to others.

10. Wanting to Be Forgiven: Humility and Redemption

All people have the capacity for good will and therefore are worthy to receive respect.

The other side of forgiveness. Just as important as forgiving others is the ability to seek forgiveness for one's own wrongdoings. This requires humility, remorse, and a willingness to make amends.

Confessing and making amends. Seeking forgiveness involves confessing one's faults and taking responsibility for the harm caused. It also involves making amends, where possible, to repair the damage and restore trust.

Freedom from guilt and remorse. Receiving forgiveness can be a liberating experience, freeing the individual from the burden of guilt and remorse. It allows for personal growth and a renewed sense of purpose.

Last updated: March 15, 2025