Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them

1. Everyone's Weird: Embrace Imperfection

Everybody’s normal till you get to know them.

Acceptance of Flaws. The core message is that everyone has flaws and imperfections; it's part of the human condition. The illusion of normalcy prevents genuine connection, as it sets unrealistic expectations. Accepting this truth is the first step toward building authentic relationships.

Biblical Examples. The book uses examples from Genesis to illustrate that even the most revered figures had significant flaws and dysfunctional families. Cain's jealousy, Noah's drunkenness, and Jacob's favoritism are all highlighted to show that imperfection is a constant throughout history.

Depravity Management. Because we know we are not supposed to be weird, we engage in "depravity management," hiding our flaws and pretending to be healthier and kinder than we are. Recognizing and accepting this reality is crucial for fostering genuine community.

2. The Fierce Longing: Connecting is Essential

Our need for community with people and the God who made us is to the human spirit what food and air and water are to the human body.

Yearning for Connection. Despite the inherent weirdness in everyone, the desire to connect and be loved is a fundamental human need. This longing drives us to seek community, whether through friendships, family, or faith-based groups.

Achievement vs. Connection. Society often prioritizes achievement, but true fulfillment comes from meaningful connections. The book argues that relational greatness leads to magnificent lives, while achievement without connection leaves bitter regrets.

The Human-Shaped Void. The Genesis story of creation emphasizes that even in a state of sinless perfection, humans are not meant to be alone. This "human-shaped void" can only be filled through community, highlighting its indispensable role in human flourishing.

3. The Fellowship of the Mat: Vulnerability Builds Community

Wherever human beings love and accept and serve each other in the face of weakness and need, there is the Fellowship of the Mat.

The Paralyzed Man. The story of the paralyzed man and his friends illustrates the power of community. The friends' determination to bring him to Jesus, even through unconventional means, demonstrates the depth of their commitment.

Everybody Has a Mat. Everyone carries a "mat," representing their brokenness and imperfections. True community emerges when people allow others to see their mats and offer support, fostering vulnerability and faithfulness.

Roof-Crashers. Great communities are built by "roof-crashers," those who go above and beyond to serve others. This involves noticing needs and taking action, often requiring a willingness to disrupt the status quo.

4. Unveiled Faces: Authenticity Fosters Intimacy

In confession the break-through to community takes place.

The Game of Peek-a-Boo. The game of peek-a-boo illustrates the tension between independence and connection. It teaches infants that they exist even when hidden, but also that they can reveal themselves and be known.

The Fall and Hiding. After the Fall, shame and guilt led to hiding, both from God and from each other. This marked the beginning of pretense and the fear of being truly known.

Levels of Openness. The book outlines three stages of openness: guarded communication, everyday authenticity, and deep disclosure. While guarded communication has its place, true community requires unveiling our faces and sharing our vulnerabilities with trusted friends.

5. Put Down Your Stones: Acceptance Heals

I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least.

The Woman Caught in Adultery. The story of the woman caught in adultery highlights the contrast between judgment and acceptance. The religious leaders, ready to stone her, represent the sins of the spirit, while Jesus offers her forgiveness and a new beginning.

Sins of the Spirit vs. Sins of the Flesh. The book contrasts sins of the flesh (lust, greed) with sins of the spirit (pride, judgmentalism), arguing that Jesus was more scandalized by the latter. Stone-throwing is a metaphor for the judgmental attitudes that destroy community.

The Divine Community. The author emphasizes that God's aim in human history is the creation of an inclusive community of loving persons. This community is rooted in the being of God, who exists as a Trinity of self-giving love.

6. The Art of Reading People: Empathy Connects

You say you know the inwardness of men, As well as of a hundred other things. Dare to speak out and tell me about myself.

Relational Education. The book suggests that relational intelligence is a skill that can be learned. Just as we learn to read road signs, we can learn to read the nonverbal cues that people send.

The Importance of Attunement. Attunement, the ability to read and respond well to someone's heart, is crucial for building meaningful relationships. This involves paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

Key Relational Signs. The book outlines several key relational signs, including "stop" signals, "sobriety check ahead" signals, "warning: construction zone" signals, "road closed" signals, and "shoulder work" signals. By recognizing and responding to these signs, we can navigate relationships more effectively.

7. Community is Worth Fighting For: Conflict Resolution

Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen.

Conflict is Inevitable. Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. The key is to manage it constructively, rather than avoiding it altogether.

Seven Steps for Resolving Conflict. The book outlines seven steps for resolving conflict, based on Jesus' teachings in Matthew 18:15: acknowledge conflict, own responsibility, approach the person, do it in private, discuss the problem, and aim for reconciliation.

The Importance of Forgiveness. Forgiveness is essential for resolving conflict and restoring community. It involves letting go of resentment and seeking the well-being of the other person.

8. Spiritual Surgery: Forgiveness Sets You Free

When you forgive someone, you are dancing to the rhythm of the divine heartbeat . . . God invented forgiveness as the only way to keep his romance with the human race alive.

The Law of Lamech vs. the Way of Forgiveness. The book contrasts the Law of Lamech (revenge) with the way of forgiveness, arguing that the latter leads to life while the former leads to death. Forgiveness is a choice to break the cycle of vengeance.

What Forgiveness Is Not. Forgiveness is not excusing, forgetting, or necessarily reconciling. It is a process that takes place within the heart of the forgiver, regardless of the other person's actions.

The Three Stages of Forgiveness. The book outlines three stages of forgiveness: deciding not to get even, seeing the other person in a new light, and wishing them well. These stages represent a journey toward healing and wholeness.

9. Breaking Down Barriers: Inclusion Enriches

Of all passions the passion for the Inner Ring is most skillful in making a man who is not yet very bad do very bad things.

The Inner Ring. The desire to be part of an exclusive group can lead to harmful behaviors. The book warns against the dangers of seeking status and prestige at the expense of others.

The Canaanite Woman. The story of the Canaanite woman illustrates Jesus' commitment to inclusion. Despite initial appearances, Jesus ultimately welcomes her and heals her daughter, challenging the disciples' prejudices.

The Importance of Bridging. The book emphasizes the importance of building bridges across social divides. By reaching out to those who are different from us, we can enrich our own lives and contribute to a more inclusive community.

10. Normal at Last: Heaven is Ultimate Community

All their life in this world . . . had only been the cover and title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.

Misconceptions About Heaven. The book challenges common misconceptions about heaven, such as the idea that it will be boring or that it will involve endless religious activities. Instead, it emphasizes that heaven is the place of ultimate joy and community.

Redemption of Creation. Heaven is not just about individual salvation; it is about the redemption of all creation. God loves this world and intends to make it right again, liberating it from bondage to decay.

The Fellowship of the Trinity. Heaven is the ultimate expression of the Fellowship of the Trinity, a community of self-giving love. It is the place where we will finally be fully known and fully loved, experiencing the joy of belonging and the delight of being in God's presence.

Last updated: March 13, 2025