Deeper Dating

1. Embrace Your Core Gifts to Attract Authentic Love

The amazing paradox is that the parts of our personality we think we must fix in order to find love are usually the keys to finding that love.

Authenticity over perfection. The qualities we often try to hide or fix are actually our "Core Gifts"—points of deep sensitivity that are essential to finding meaningful relationships. Instead of striving for an unattainable ideal, focus on honoring and expressing your innate gifts. This shift in focus changes everything, making you more magnetic to those who will truly appreciate you.

Core Gifts defined. Core Gifts are not talents or skills, but rather the qualities that make you uniquely you. They are found in the things that inspire you, touch you deeply, and even hurt you the most. These vulnerable parts of yourself are the "bullet train to authentic intimacy."

Personal magnetism. When you lead with your Core Gifts, your personal magnetism becomes stronger. You experience more passion and connection to yourself and others. Most importantly, you move closer to a love that empowers you and brings you joy.

2. Distinguish Between Attractions of Inspiration and Deprivation

The real search for love is about embracing our most authentic self, sharing that true self with the precious people who know how to honor it, and learning to offer others the same in return.

Two types of attractions. The single most important dating tool is distinguishing between "attractions of inspiration" and "attractions of deprivation." Attractions of inspiration lead to lasting love, while attractions of deprivation replay old, painful relationship patterns.

Attractions of deprivation. These attractions draw you in with intensity but ultimately lead to insecurity and pain. They often involve unavailable or emotionally damaging partners. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for breaking free from unhealthy cycles.

Attractions of inspiration. These attractions are characterized by kindness, respect, and a sense of well-being. They may not be as immediately intense, but they offer the potential for lasting, healthy love. Cultivating a taste for these attractions is key to finding a fulfilling relationship.

3. Cultivate Self-Love as the Foundation for Intimacy

It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or . . . worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.

Self-love through relationships. While the saying goes that you must love yourself before you can love another, the truth is that we often learn to love ourselves through the love and acceptance of others. Surround yourself with people who value your deepest nature.

The Gift-Wound-Defense Matrix. This model helps understand the connection between your defenses, wounds, and gifts. At the heart of every defense lies a wound, and at the heart of every wound lies a gift. By understanding this matrix, you can transform your defenses into skills.

Wiser self-protection. True protection comes not from building walls, but from honoring your gifts and choosing partners who are kind, giving, and accepting. Learn to outgrow your prepackaged defenses and interact with the world skin to skin.

4. Transform Defenses into Skills for Wiser Self-Protection

To the degree that we neglect our gifts, we are actually committing an act of quiet violence against ourselves.

From armor to endoskeleton. Defenses, while initially protective, can become brittle and self-limiting. The goal is to develop an "endoskeleton"—a strong inner framework of self-acceptance that allows you to interact with the world authentically.

Finding gifts beneath defenses. Every defense mechanism is rooted in a wound, and every wound surrounds a gift. By identifying the gifts that your defenses are trying to protect, you can begin to transform those defenses into skills.

Wiser self-protection. True protection comes from honoring your gifts and choosing relationships that support and nurture them. Learn to discriminate between those who deserve your vulnerability and those who do not.

5. Harness the Power of Your Gift Zone in Dating

Authenticity is your key to enter the Gift Zone. Compassion is what turns the lights on to let you see your gifts.

The Gift Zone. This is the inner circle of your being, where you are connected to your Core Gifts. It's the birthplace of intimacy and the source of your unique magic. Living more of your life in this zone is key to attracting love.

Accessing the Gift Zone. You can access your Gift Zone by noticing and honoring your feelings with compassion. Moments of inspiration, even small ones, are portals to this zone. The more you live from your Gift Zone, the more love you will have in your life.

The Zones of Intimacy. The target diagram has three concentric rings that represent the three main zones of intimacy: the Gift Zone, the Zone of Protection, and the Zone of Disconnection. The closer you are to the center, the closer you come to your most authentic self.

6. Navigate the Wave of Distancing to Build Lasting Connections

Of all the harmful myths we’re fed, one of the most insidious is the belief that longing for love is a weakness.

The Wave of Distancing. This phenomenon occurs when you push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing their worth. It's a common response to the fear of intimacy and can sabotage potentially great relationships.

Recognizing the Wave. Signs of the Wave include a sudden loss of affection, irritation with your partner, and a yearning for the excitement of the hunt. Understanding this phenomenon is crucial for navigating it effectively.

Handling the Wave. Remember that the Wave is temporary. Take space if needed, but don't flee. Focus on gratitude, connection, and open communication. By riding out the Wave, you can deepen your relationship and overcome your fear of intimacy.

7. Discover Your Sexual Core Gifts for Deeper Intimacy

To the degree that we treasure our Core Gifts (yes, treasure them; dispassionate acceptance isn’t enough) we attract caring, thoughtful people who are also (miracle of miracles) attracted to us.

Sexual gifts and wounds. Just as you have emotional Core Gifts, you also have sexual ones. These gifts are often intertwined with your deepest desires and vulnerabilities. Exploring and embracing your sexual gifts is key to deeper intimacy.

Two questions for sexual discovery. Ask yourself: What turns you on most in sex? What touches you most deeply in sex? These questions can unlock a deeper understanding of your sexual self and your unique needs and desires.

The Madonna-Whore Complex. Strive to integrate both your "Madonna" and "Whore" aspects—your capacity for tenderness and your capacity for wildness. By embracing both, you can create a richer, more fulfilling sexual experience.

8. Build a Supportive "Gift Circle" to Reinforce Your Worth

It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or . . . worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.

The power of reflection. We often struggle to see our own worth and beauty. A "Gift Circle" provides a mirror in which you can see yourself through the eyes of those who love and appreciate you.

Creating your Gift Circle. Invite four to six people who know you well and whose insights you value to participate in your Gift Circle. Ask them to describe the qualities they most respect and appreciate about you.

The benefits of a Gift Circle. This process can lead to profound insights about your Core Gifts, increase your self-worth, and strengthen your connections with loved ones. It's a powerful way to build a foundation of self-love and support.

9. Follow Your Guiding Insights to a Life of Love and Meaning

There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you?

Tuning into your inner wisdom. Guiding Insights are messages from your deepest self that have the power to transform your life. They compel you, resonate with your heart, and feel like marching orders from your soul.

Inviting Guiding Insights. Create a practice of asking yourself, "Right now, what is love asking of me?" Listen for the whispers of your intuition and act on the messages you receive.

The path to love and growth. By following your Guiding Insights, you'll be led to new opportunities, deeper connections, and a more authentic expression of yourself. This is the path to a life filled with love and meaning.

10. Practice Fierce Discrimination to Protect Your Tender Heart

Our tears are a great gift because they reveal what matters most to us.

Honoring your sensitivities. Your tears reveal what matters most to you. Understanding the pains that were once wordless and knotted within you—and then putting an explanation on them—is life changing.

Saying no to what feels wrong. To recognize what feels right, you need to know what feels wrong—and how to say no to it. Learn to listen to your own sensitivities and honor your feelings of discomfort.

Discernment, not negativity. Often, the opposite of gratitude is not ingratitude—it's discrimination. Ignoring your innate sense of what's wrong leads to debilitating self-doubt, not enlightenment.

11. Redefine Success in Dating as Personal Growth, Not Just Finding a Partner

The world keeps telling us we need tricks to find love. And yes, those tricks work if you’re looking for sex or a new relationship with a weak foundation. But they probably won’t bring you any closer to finding real love.

Beyond the "one." Shift your focus from finding "the one" to personal growth and self-discovery. Every date, every interaction, is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your needs.

New definitions of success. Instead of measuring success by whether or not you find a partner, celebrate your progress in embracing your gifts, setting boundaries, and cultivating self-love.

The journey, not the destination. The search for love is a journey, not a destination. Embrace the process, savor the small victories, and trust that you are moving closer to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

Last updated: March 12, 2025