Come Together

1. Pleasure, not desire, is the measure of sexual well-being

Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being—not how much you want it, how often you do it, with whom, where, what time of day, or even whether you have orgasms. It's whether or not you like the sex you are having.

Redefining sexual success. The traditional focus on sexual desire and frequency is misguided. Instead, the quality of sexual experiences, as measured by pleasure and enjoyment, should be the primary metric for sexual well-being. This shift in perspective allows for a more inclusive and satisfying approach to sexuality, accommodating diverse experiences and preferences.

Embracing individual differences. By centering pleasure, couples can move away from comparing their sex lives to societal norms or expectations. This approach recognizes that:

• Sexual satisfaction is highly personal
• There is no "normal" frequency or type of sexual activity
• Responsive desire is as valid as spontaneous desire
• Pleasure can be found in various forms of intimacy, not just intercourse

2. Context shapes sexual experiences and satisfaction

Pleasure is sensation in context—a sensation you experience in a stressful context may feel uncomfortable, while the same sensation in a great, sexy context may feel pleasurable.

Understanding the dual nature of context. Sexual experiences are profoundly influenced by both external circumstances and internal states. External factors include relationship dynamics, physical environment, and cultural influences. Internal states encompass emotional well-being, stress levels, and physical health.

Creating a pleasure-positive context. Couples can enhance their sexual satisfaction by actively shaping their context:

• Identify and minimize "brakes" (factors that inhibit arousal)
• Cultivate "accelerators" (factors that enhance arousal)
• Communicate openly about preferences and boundaries
• Prioritize relaxation and stress reduction
• Experiment with different settings and scenarios

3. Emotional floorplans guide sexual connection

Your emotional floorplan includes pleasure-favorable spaces—lust, seeking, play, and care—and pleasure-adverse spaces—fear, rage, and panic/grief.

Mapping emotional landscapes. Understanding one's emotional floorplan provides insights into personal patterns of arousal and inhibition. This knowledge allows individuals and couples to navigate their emotional states more effectively, especially in relation to sexual experiences.

Leveraging emotional awareness. By recognizing their current emotional state and its proximity to "lust," individuals can:

• Identify pathways to transition from adverse to favorable spaces
• Communicate more effectively about emotional needs and barriers
• Develop strategies to cultivate pleasure-favorable states
• Practice moving through difficult emotions without judgment
• Collaborate with partners to create mutually satisfying experiences

4. Confidence and joy transform sexual relationships

Confidence is knowing what's true, and joy is loving what's true.

Embracing authenticity. Confidence in one's sexual self and joy in one's experiences are transformative forces in relationships. This mindset allows individuals to move beyond societal expectations and personal insecurities, fostering genuine connection and pleasure.

Cultivating confidence and joy. Practical steps to enhance these qualities include:

• Educating oneself about sexuality and relationships
• Challenging internalized negative beliefs
• Practicing self-compassion and body acceptance
• Celebrating personal and shared sexual discoveries
• Focusing on pleasure and connection rather than performance
• Communicating openly about desires, boundaries, and experiences

5. Trust and admiration are foundational for lasting intimacy

Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term are different from each other in myriad ways, but in one way they are all the same: They collaborate to create a context that makes pleasure easier to access, not least by turning toward each other's whole, authentic selves with confidence, joy, and calm, warm curiosity.

Building relational strength. Trust and admiration form the bedrock of enduring sexual connections. These qualities create a safe space for vulnerability, exploration, and growth within the relationship.

Nurturing trust and admiration. Couples can strengthen these aspects by:

• Practicing emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement
• Acknowledging and appreciating each other's positive qualities
• Supporting each other's personal growth and aspirations
• Maintaining open and honest communication
• Demonstrating reliability and consistency in actions
• Respecting boundaries and individual needs

6. Curiosity is key to overcoming sexual challenges

Calm, warm curiosity is the most important tool for solving problems.

Embracing a growth mindset. Approaching sexual challenges with curiosity rather than judgment or frustration opens up possibilities for learning, adaptation, and deeper connection. This attitude helps couples navigate difficulties with openness and compassion.

Practicing curious exploration. Couples can cultivate curiosity by:

• Asking open-ended questions about each other's experiences
• Exploring new sensations, fantasies, or activities together
• Reflecting on personal reactions and triggers without judgment
• Seeking to understand rather than to fix or change
• Approaching differences with genuine interest and respect
• Experimenting with new approaches to pleasure and intimacy

7. The gender mirage obstructs authentic sexuality

The gender mirage is just somebody else's opinion about how to live in your body. You never asked for their opinion, and you have no obligation to agree.

Recognizing societal constraints. The gender mirage refers to the restrictive and often harmful societal expectations placed on individuals based on their assigned gender. These expectations can significantly limit sexual expression and satisfaction.

Dismantling gender stereotypes. To move beyond the gender mirage:

• Question internalized beliefs about gender roles in sexuality
• Explore personal desires and boundaries without gender-based limitations
• Communicate openly with partners about gender expectations
• Support each other in authentic sexual expression
• Educate oneself about diverse gender identities and expressions
• Challenge societal narratives that reinforce harmful stereotypes

8. Heterosexual relationships face unique challenges

Women complain about men following the Winner rules. Men complain about women not following the Giver rules.

Navigating gendered expectations. Heterosexual couples often grapple with deeply ingrained societal norms that can create tension and misunderstanding. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial for building equitable and satisfying relationships.

Overcoming heteronormative challenges. Strategies for heterosexual couples include:

• Identifying and challenging internalized gender roles
• Practicing equal emotional labor and household responsibilities
• Communicating openly about sexual needs and preferences
• Supporting each other's personal growth and autonomy
• Addressing power imbalances in the relationship
• Seeking out diverse relationship models and resources

9. Erotic wisdom unlocks profound intimacy

The magic trick surfaces the erotic wisdom inside you and creates a context that allows your erotic wisdom to merge with others.

Tapping into erotic potential. Erotic wisdom refers to a deep, embodied understanding of one's sexuality and capacity for pleasure. Accessing this wisdom can lead to transcendent sexual experiences and profound connection.

Cultivating erotic wisdom. Practices to develop this capacity include:

• Mindful body awareness and exploration
• Breath work and conscious movement
• Tantric or spiritual sexual practices
• Exploring fantasy and imagination
• Practicing presence and full engagement during intimacy
• Cultivating a sense of play and curiosity in sexual experiences
• Engaging in regular, intentional sensual practices (alone or with a partner)

Last updated: November 24, 2024