Big Friendship

1. Big Friendships are chosen, intimate bonds that transcend life phases

BIG FRIENDSHIP is a bond of great strength, force, and significance that transcends life phases, geography, and emotional shifts.

Defining Big Friendship. Big Friendship is a deep, enduring relationship characterized by mutual investment, emotional intimacy, and the ability to adapt to life changes. Unlike casual acquaintances or situational friendships, Big Friendships are actively chosen and maintained over time.

Characteristics of Big Friendships:

• Reciprocal and mutually supportive
• Influential in shaping identity and personal growth
• Resilient in the face of challenges and life transitions
• Often serve as chosen family, providing emotional and practical support

Big Friendships require intentional effort and commitment from both parties. They are not immune to conflicts or misunderstandings but are characterized by a willingness to work through difficulties and prioritize the relationship.

2. Shine Theory: Mutual investment in each other's success

I don't shine if you don't shine.

Collaborative success. Shine Theory is the practice of actively supporting and celebrating your friends' achievements, recognizing that their success doesn't diminish your own. It's a rejection of competition in favor of collaboration and mutual empowerment.

Key aspects of Shine Theory:

• Sharing resources, contacts, and opportunities
• Offering emotional support and encouragement
• Advocating for each other in professional and personal contexts
• Recognizing that a rising tide lifts all boats

Practicing Shine Theory creates a supportive network that benefits all involved. It's particularly powerful for marginalized groups, helping to combat systemic barriers and create new opportunities. By investing in each other's growth and success, friends practicing Shine Theory can achieve more together than they would alone.

3. Stretching is crucial for friendship growth and adaptation

Stretching is being challenged, in a way that is both difficult and rewarding at the same time.

Embracing change. Stretching in friendship involves adapting to changes, differences, and challenges that arise over time. It's a necessary process for maintaining and deepening Big Friendships as individuals grow and life circumstances evolve.

Types of stretches in friendship:

• Adapting to physical distance or changes in availability
• Navigating differences in opinions, values, or life choices
• Supporting each other through major life transitions
• Addressing and working through conflicts or misunderstandings

Stretching requires effort and can be uncomfortable, but it's essential for the long-term health of a friendship. It involves being willing to step outside of comfort zones, communicate openly, and make compromises. Successfully navigating stretches can strengthen the bond between friends and lead to personal growth for both individuals.

4. The friendweb: A complex network of interconnected relationships

Like a spiderweb, a friendweb can be quite delicate or exceptionally strong.

Interconnected bonds. The friendweb refers to the complex network of relationships that extend beyond a single friendship. It encompasses connections between friends of friends, shared social circles, and the ripple effects of individual relationships on larger group dynamics.

Characteristics of the friendweb:

• Overlapping social circles and shared connections
• Potential for both support and conflict
• Influence on individual friendships and group dynamics
• Opportunities for new connections and relationship growth

Understanding and navigating the friendweb requires social awareness and consideration of how individual actions and relationships affect the broader network. While it can provide a sense of community and extended support, it can also introduce complications when conflicts arise or relationships change.

5. Race and privilege can create challenges in interracial friendships

Even if these white people decide they will confront racism every day, it's guaranteed they will sometimes screw up and disappoint the Black people they know.

Navigating differences. Interracial friendships can face unique challenges due to differing lived experiences, societal inequities, and unconscious biases. These friendships require ongoing effort, open communication, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about race and privilege.

Key considerations in interracial friendships:

• Acknowledging and discussing racial differences and experiences
• Recognizing and addressing microaggressions and unconscious biases
• Supporting each other in confronting racism and promoting equity
• Balancing the need for education with avoiding emotional labor

Successful interracial friendships involve a commitment to ongoing learning, self-reflection, and growth. They require both parties to be willing to have difficult conversations, acknowledge mistakes, and actively work towards creating a more equitable relationship and society.

6. Digital communication affects friendship dynamics and perceptions

The wider the gap gets between private digital communication with a friend and public communication about a friendship, the more potential there is for miscommunication and misinterpretation to happen.

Virtual connections. Digital communication has transformed how friendships are maintained and perceived. While it offers new ways to stay connected, it can also create challenges in authenticity, depth of connection, and public perception of relationships.

Impacts of digital communication on friendships:

• Increased ability to maintain long-distance connections
• Potential for misinterpretation due to lack of nonverbal cues
• Pressure to present idealized versions of friendships on social media
• New opportunities for misunderstandings and comparison

Navigating friendships in the digital age requires awareness of how online interactions differ from in-person connections. It's important to balance digital communication with meaningful offline interactions and to be mindful of the gap between public presentations of friendships and private realities.

7. Overcoming friendship breakdowns requires active effort and communication

Repair is a choice that two people have to make.

Choosing to reconnect. When Big Friendships face serious challenges or breakdowns, active effort and intentional communication are necessary for repair. This process requires both parties to be willing to acknowledge problems, express vulnerabilities, and work together towards solutions.

Steps for repairing a friendship:

• Acknowledging the breakdown and its impact on both parties
• Open and honest communication about feelings and needs
• Willingness to take responsibility for one's role in the conflict
• Collaborative problem-solving and setting new expectations
• Patience and commitment to rebuilding trust over time

Repairing a friendship can be a challenging and uncomfortable process, but it can also lead to a stronger, more resilient relationship. It often involves confronting deep-seated issues and may require outside help, such as therapy or mediation.

8. Long-term maintenance of Big Friendships involves ritual, assurance, and openness

Friendship can definitely survive, simmering on the back burner, in a way that some other relationships can't. But not indefinitely.

Sustained connection. Maintaining Big Friendships over the long term requires intentional effort and practices that reinforce the importance of the relationship. This involves creating shared experiences, expressing commitment, and maintaining open lines of communication.

Key practices for maintaining Big Friendships:

• Establishing rituals and traditions specific to the friendship
• Regularly expressing appreciation and commitment to the relationship
• Maintaining open and honest communication, especially during challenges
• Adapting to changing life circumstances and evolving needs
• Prioritizing quality time and shared experiences

Long-term maintenance of Big Friendships requires a balance between consistency and flexibility. It involves recognizing the friendship as a priority and being willing to invest time and energy into its continued growth and adaptation.

9. Big Friendships provide resilience and support throughout life's challenges

Friendship is a real-deal insurance policy against the hurricanes of life.

Emotional bedrock. Big Friendships serve as a crucial support system throughout life's ups and downs. They provide emotional resilience, practical assistance, and a sense of belonging that can help individuals navigate challenges and celebrate successes.

Ways Big Friendships provide support:

• Offering emotional comfort and understanding during difficult times
• Providing practical help during crises or major life transitions
• Serving as a sounding board for important decisions
• Celebrating achievements and milestones together
• Offering perspective and grounding during periods of change or uncertainty

The long-term nature of Big Friendships allows for deep understanding and shared history, making them uniquely positioned to provide meaningful support. Investing in these relationships creates a network of care that can sustain individuals through various life stages and challenges.

Last updated: January 22, 2025