And Then They Stopped Talking to Me

1. Middle School Memories Shape Adult Perceptions

Just say the words “middle school,” and the whole atmosphere in the room changes.

Lasting Impact. Middle school experiences, whether positive or negative, often leave an indelible mark on individuals, shaping their perceptions, insecurities, and behaviors well into adulthood. These memories can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events, transporting adults back to the emotional landscape of their early adolescence.

Pop Culture Reinforcement. Popular culture often portrays middle school as a period of intense awkwardness, cruelty, and social hierarchy, further solidifying negative associations. This portrayal contributes to a shared cultural narrative that reinforces the belief that middle school is a universally miserable experience.

Adult Triggers. The intensity of middle school memories can lead to "secondary trauma" for parents, who relive their own past experiences through their children's struggles. This can result in over-involvement, anxiety, and a blurring of boundaries between parent and child.

2. The "Middle School Feeling" is a Universal Experience

That feeling—the middle school feeling—was one of excruciating awkwardness, painful self-consciousness, and crippling insecurity in the face of harsh and unforgiving peer judgment; a sense of being alone, on the outside, and unacceptable.

Core Emotions. The "middle school feeling" encompasses a range of negative emotions, including awkwardness, self-consciousness, insecurity, and a sense of not belonging. This feeling often stems from harsh peer judgment and the pressure to conform.

Personal Fable. Despite the universality of these emotions, individuals often believe their middle school experiences are unique and isolating. This belief, known as the "personal fable," can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and alienation.

Long-Term Effects. The "middle school feeling" can persist into adulthood, influencing relationships, career choices, and overall self-esteem. Some individuals may develop coping mechanisms, such as obsessive-compulsive behaviors, to manage the anxiety and insecurity stemming from their middle school experiences.

3. Historical Context Reveals Middle School as a Modern Construct

There were no middle schoolers before there were middle schools, which there were not in the United States until the 1960s.

No Ancient Origins. The concept of middle school as a distinct phase of life is a relatively recent invention, emerging in the United States in the 20th century. Prior to this, children transitioned directly from elementary school to high school or entered the workforce at a young age.

Puberty's Changing Role. While puberty has always existed, its significance and timing have varied throughout history. In earlier eras, puberty was seen as a welcome transition to adulthood and increased productivity, rather than a period of social and emotional turmoil.

Economic Factors. Before industrialization, children were often sent to work outside the home at a young age, limiting their exposure to peer pressure and parental anxieties. The rise of industrialization and compulsory education laws led to children spending more time in school and at home, creating new opportunities for social and emotional development.

4. Industrialization and Shifting Ideals Created the "Middle Schooler"

Out of that new closeness, in a burst of mutual irritation, the child we now know as the modern middle schooler was born.

New Family Dynamics. Industrialization shifted work outside the home, leading to a new emphasis on the home as a sheltered space. This increased the amount of time children spent with their parents, particularly mothers, intensifying family dynamics.

Class Anxiety. The rise of a new middle class created anxieties about social mobility and the need for children to acquire the education and skills necessary to maintain or improve their social standing. This placed additional pressure on parents to ensure their children's success.

Changing Views of Childhood. A shift in societal views of children, from inherently wicked to innocent and impressionable, led to increased efforts to protect them from negative influences and provide them with a nurturing environment. This further extended the period of childhood and adolescence.

5. G. Stanley Hall Defined Adolescence as a Time of "Storm and Stress"

Psychoses and neuroses abound in early adolescent years more than at any other period of life.

Hall's Influence. G. Stanley Hall's work, particularly his book "Adolescence," played a significant role in shaping the modern understanding of adolescence as a period of "storm and stress." Hall's theories, though controversial, popularized the idea that adolescence is a time of emotional upheaval, hormonal changes, and social challenges.

Recapitulation Theory. Hall's theory of recapitulation, which suggested that individual development mirrors the evolution of the species, further emphasized the "savage" and "primitive" nature of adolescence. This perspective contributed to a negative view of middle schoolers as inherently difficult and challenging.

Public Reception. Despite criticism from academics, Hall's ideas resonated with the public, particularly middle-class mothers who were struggling to understand and manage their adolescent children. His work provided a framework for understanding the unique challenges of this developmental stage.

6. The Junior High School Emerged to Manage Pubescent Energies

The schools, reformers said, should be staffed by teachers specially trained in adolescent development, who could provide knowledgeable support and individualized instruction.

Addressing Educational Needs. The junior high school emerged as a response to the perceived inadequacies of the traditional K-8 elementary school system. Reformers argued that a separate institution was needed to address the unique educational and developmental needs of early adolescents.

Controlling Sexual Energies. Concerns about the "vita sexualis" and the potential for moral corruption also played a role in the creation of junior high schools. Reformers believed that a cloistered environment could help channel adolescents' sexual energies into productive activities.

Limited Success. Despite its initial goals, the junior high school often failed to provide the individualized attention and specialized instruction that reformers had envisioned. The institution often replicated the worst aspects of high school, including a focus on athletics and popularity over academic achievement.

7. The Sexual Revolution Complicated Middle School Dynamics

Adults must recognize that the youngest teen-agers are the uncomfortable inheritors—perhaps the victims—of the sexual revolution.

Shifting Social Norms. The sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s brought about significant changes in social norms and attitudes towards sexuality. This created new challenges for middle schoolers, who were increasingly exposed to mature themes and content.

Lolita Fantasy. The release of Stanley Kubrick's "Lolita" in 1962 contributed to a disturbing trend of sexualizing young girls in popular culture. This created a climate in which pubescent girls were viewed as both sexual objects and seductresses.

Parental Confusion. The sexual revolution left many parents feeling confused and ill-equipped to navigate the changing social landscape. They struggled to balance the desire to protect their children with the need to prepare them for a more sexually permissive world.

8. Parental Anxieties and Competition Exacerbate Middle School Misery

Middle school should come with a trigger warning for parents.

Parental Regression. The challenges of parenting middle schoolers can trigger a regression to their own adolescent experiences, leading to over-involvement, anxiety, and a blurring of boundaries. This can create a toxic environment for both parents and children.

Status Obsession. In affluent communities, parental anxieties about social status and competition can further exacerbate middle school misery. Parents may become overly invested in their children's popularity and achievements, creating a high-pressure environment.

Social Media's Role. Social media amplifies these anxieties, providing parents with constant access to their children's social lives and creating new opportunities for comparison and competition. This can lead to stalking, gossip, and a further blurring of boundaries.

9. Neurobiology and Evolutionary Psychology Explain Middle School Behavior

Middle schoolers are in many ways captives to the lives we construct for them.

Brain Development. Recent advances in neuroscience have revealed that the brain undergoes significant changes during early adolescence, making this a critical period for development. These changes affect emotions, social cognition, and decision-making.

Evolutionary Imperatives. Evolutionary psychology suggests that many middle school behaviors, such as the desire for social acceptance and the formation of hierarchies, are rooted in ancestral survival instincts. These instincts, though adaptive in the past, can create challenges in modern society.

Mismatch. The combination of neurobiological changes and evolutionary pressures can create a mismatch between middle schoolers' brains and their environment. This can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and social difficulties.

10. Schools and Parents Can Cultivate Kindness and Resilience

We need to heal and move on.

Creating Supportive Environments. Schools and parents can play a crucial role in creating supportive environments that foster kindness, empathy, and resilience. This involves setting clear expectations for behavior, promoting inclusivity, and providing opportunities for social and emotional learning.

Teaching Social Skills. Explicitly teaching social skills, such as communication, conflict resolution, and empathy, can help middle schoolers navigate the complexities of their social world. This can also involve deconstructing harmful stereotypes and promoting positive social norms.

Promoting Perspective-Taking. Encouraging middle schoolers to consider different perspectives and challenge their own assumptions can help them develop empathy and understanding. This can involve activities such as community service, peer mentoring, and discussions about social justice issues.

11. Re-Evaluating Middle School Memories Can Heal and Empower

We don’t want to stay in seventh grade forever.

Challenging Narratives. Re-evaluating middle school memories and challenging negative narratives can be a powerful tool for healing and personal growth. This involves recognizing the limitations of memory and considering alternative interpretations of past events.

Finding Compassion. Developing compassion for oneself and others, including former bullies, can help break the cycle of negativity and promote forgiveness. This involves recognizing that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have.

Moving Forward. By rethinking the middle school years, we have the opportunity to become better and happier adults. This involves letting go of past hurts, embracing new perspectives, and focusing on creating a more positive future for ourselves and our children.

Last updated: March 9, 2025