Ambitious Like a Mother

1. Ambition is a complex, gendered concept for mothers.

“The truth—that striving for success in the workplace has the potential to make women better mothers, not worse ones—remains controversial.”

Double standard. Ambition, a positive trait in men, is often viewed negatively in women, especially mothers. This double standard forces women to downplay their achievements and prioritize their roles as mothers above all else, creating a no-win situation.

Internalized bias. Many women, even those who are highly successful, struggle to embrace the label of "ambitious," often attributing their achievements to luck or circumstance rather than their own hard work and talent. This internalized bias stems from societal expectations that women should be modest and self-effacing.

Challenging the norm. The book challenges the notion that ambition is a dirty word for women, arguing that it is a vital force that drives them to achieve their full potential, both professionally and personally. It encourages women to own their ambition and to stop apologizing for wanting more than just motherhood.

2. The "cult of motherhood" creates unrealistic expectations.

“This woman is a fiction. She’s an unrealistic example of perfection that makes other women feel inadequate when they pursue and can’t achieve that impossible standard.”

Intensive mothering. Society often promotes an idealized version of motherhood that is impossible to achieve, demanding that mothers be constantly present, self-sacrificing, and utterly devoted to their children. This "cult of motherhood" sets an impossibly high bar, leading to feelings of guilt and inadequacy among working mothers.

Social media pressure. Social media amplifies these unrealistic expectations, showcasing seemingly perfect mothers who effortlessly juggle careers and family life, further contributing to the pressure and self-doubt experienced by many women.

The myth of "having it all." The idea that women can "have it all" – a successful career, a fulfilling family life, and a perfect home – is a myth that sets women up for failure. The book argues that it's time to let go of this impossible ideal and embrace a more realistic and sustainable approach to motherhood.

3. Working mothers often face a "second shift" at home.

“For all of us to thrive, or even function, my mother had to treat the domestic sphere as a second job—and that meant she worked very hard and seemingly nonstop.”

Unequal division of labor. Despite the increase in women's participation in the workforce, they often continue to bear the brunt of domestic responsibilities, including childcare, housework, and emotional labor. This "second shift" adds to the already heavy burden of working mothers, making it difficult for them to advance professionally.

Lack of support from partners. Many men, even those who consider themselves progressive, fail to fully share the domestic workload, often expecting their wives to take on the primary responsibility for managing the home and children. This unequal division of labor creates resentment and contributes to the stress and burnout experienced by many working mothers.

The need for shared responsibility. The book emphasizes the importance of partners sharing the domestic workload equally, arguing that it is not only fair but also essential for the well-being of both parents and children. It calls for a shift in mindset that recognizes domestic work as a shared responsibility, not a woman's burden.

4. Societal structures and biases hinder working mothers.

“Entrenched gender bias in the workplace, including sexual harassment, sexual assault, and the ‘motherhood penalty,’ presents barriers to advancement.”

Workplace discrimination. Working mothers often face discrimination in the workplace, including the "motherhood penalty," which refers to the negative impact that motherhood has on women's career advancement and earning potential. This bias, combined with other forms of discrimination, creates significant barriers to success for working mothers.

Lack of institutional support. The United States lags behind other developed countries in providing support for working families, including affordable childcare, paid parental leave, and flexible work arrangements. This lack of institutional support makes it even more difficult for working mothers to balance their professional and personal lives.

Need for systemic change. The book argues that individual efforts are not enough to address the challenges faced by working mothers. It calls for systemic changes, including policy reforms and a shift in cultural attitudes, to create a more equitable and supportive environment for working families.

5. Love for work is a valid and important part of a mother's identity.

“It isn’t selfish to want to feed your brain or your soul. It isn’t wrong to think that doing so requires something more than being a mother.”

Beyond motherhood. The book challenges the notion that motherhood should be a woman's sole source of identity and fulfillment. It argues that women have a right to pursue their passions and ambitions outside of the home and that doing so can make them better mothers.

Professional fulfillment. For many women, work is not just a means of earning a living; it is a source of joy, purpose, and intellectual stimulation. Denying women the opportunity to pursue their professional goals is not only unfair but also detrimental to their overall well-being.

Role models for children. By pursuing their careers with passion and dedication, working mothers can serve as powerful role models for their children, teaching them the importance of independence, resilience, and the pursuit of one's dreams.

6. Imbalance is inevitable; striving for "perfect balance" is futile.

“The Work-Life Balance and the Selfless Mother are false gods.”

The myth of balance. The book argues that the concept of "work-life balance" is a myth that sets women up for failure. It is impossible to perfectly balance all aspects of life, and striving for this unattainable ideal only leads to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Embracing imbalance. Instead of striving for perfect balance, the book encourages women to embrace the inevitable imbalance of life, recognizing that there will be times when work takes priority and times when family takes priority. The key is to find a rhythm that works for you and your family, even if it doesn't look like the idealized version of balance.

Flexibility and adaptability. The book emphasizes the importance of flexibility and adaptability in navigating the challenges of working motherhood. It encourages women to be willing to adjust their plans and priorities as needed, recognizing that life is not a linear path.

7. Redefining motherhood requires a cultural and personal shift.

“We need to change the conversation. Too many women face the same impediments to success that confronted our mothers and grandmothers.”

Challenging stereotypes. The book calls for a cultural shift that challenges the outdated stereotypes of what it means to be a "good mother." It argues that it's time to move beyond the narrow definition of motherhood that demands self-sacrifice and instead embrace a more inclusive and empowering vision of what it means to be a mother.

Personal responsibility. In addition to cultural change, the book emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility. It encourages women to let go of the guilt and shame that often accompany working motherhood and to embrace their own unique path.

Creating a new narrative. The book is a call to action for women to tell their stories out loud and with pride, creating a new narrative of working motherhood that is both empowering and realistic. It encourages women to stop apologizing for their ambition and to embrace their full potential.

8. Children of ambitious mothers are often resilient and independent.

“Choosing professional opportunities, prioritizing your career—not all the time, but some of the time—models valuable lessons for your children, including independence, resilience, and the importance of using one’s talents and abilities to help other people.”

Positive role models. The book argues that working mothers can serve as powerful role models for their children, teaching them valuable lessons about independence, resilience, and the importance of pursuing one's passions. Children of working mothers often develop a strong work ethic and a sense of self-reliance.

Adaptability and problem-solving. Children of working mothers often learn to be more adaptable and resourceful, developing problem-solving skills as they navigate the challenges of having a parent who is not always available.

Appreciation for work. Children of working mothers often develop a greater appreciation for the value of work and the importance of contributing to society. They see firsthand the positive impact that their mothers' work has on the world, both inside and outside of their homes.

9. Financial independence is crucial for a mother's freedom.

“For some of us, work means having the economic freedom to leave unhappy relationships or radically reframe them, to weather divorces, economic downturns, disease, and even widowhood, knowing we can provide for ourselves and our children.”

Economic security. The book emphasizes the importance of financial independence for women, arguing that it is essential for their ability to make choices about their lives and relationships. Financial security allows women to leave unhappy marriages, weather economic downturns, and provide for their children without relying on others.

Breaking free from dependence. Financial independence empowers women to break free from dependence on their partners, giving them the freedom to pursue their own goals and ambitions. It also allows them to make decisions about their lives without fear of financial repercussions.

Long-term security. The book argues that financial independence is not just about short-term security; it is also about long-term financial stability, including the ability to save for retirement and provide for their children's future.

10. Support systems and community are vital for working mothers.

“Mothers shouldn’t go it alone; we should bring our families (in all of their iterations) and our partners (in all of their iterations) as we stride forth, clear and confident about our value and purpose in life.”

The importance of community. The book emphasizes the importance of community for working mothers, arguing that they cannot and should not try to do it all alone. Support from family, friends, and other working mothers is essential for navigating the challenges of balancing work and family life.

Building a network. The book encourages women to build a strong support network, including partners who are willing to share the domestic workload, friends who understand the challenges of working motherhood, and mentors who can provide guidance and support.

Seeking help when needed. The book also emphasizes the importance of seeking help when needed, whether it's hiring a babysitter, asking for help from family members, or seeking professional support. It argues that it's okay to ask for help and that doing so is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

Last updated: January 22, 2025